Monday 28 December 2009

A bit of randomity is always good.

We live in a world, where everybody can be themselves

Yet people choose to live the lives of someone else
Fake names, fake image, real games & real lies
They don't realize that eventually...the game gets old.
The mask wears down, the truth comes out
So what're you left with ?
You can't pretend forever
Eventually who you are starts breaking out
Your personality starts to show, before you know it there you are...
& when the day comes, how do you explain ?
What reason do you have for acting this way ?

As for me...I choose to be me
Sit in the beauty of who I am
Show myself off & the way my God created me
Flaws & all, truths and all my mistakes
Living my life for you, for me, so we know
That there's no one out there who can do me better than me
The same way no one can be you better than you
So why would you try & be somebody else ?
& put yourself in a position where you're stripped down
Watered down, empty & without shape
So if you're not you, then who are you ?
As for me, I'm me...I'm as me as they come.

- Pookie.

I was singing to no particular beat, melody or anything & then this happened and I wrote down what I could remember... yes, I know it has no solid flow nor does it make much sense but it's a work in progress. The first time I got it down on paper it was actually much messier than this & a whole lot longer but I'm working on it...it's not lyrics or a poem...I don't even know what to call it, but eventually I'll turn it into something anyway.

xoxo

Friday 25 December 2009

Merry Christmas everyone <3

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I didn't wanna be cliche' & post the picture of a tree, so ya know.
Anyway merry christmas to everyone, hope you all had an amazing day :o)
Being the birthday girl [yesss my birthday is on christmas day *throws my neeky glasses on that I teefed from the cinema when I went to see Avatar 3D* so I did infact have a good day today...I can't post any pics due to the fact that I can't find my USB link for my camera...hard times...but I'm sure theres 1 or 20 pics of me on facebook of me SLIPPIN' in my pyjama's again.

Love all my readers, even you silent ones <3

xoxo

Thursday 17 December 2009

I'm good.

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Tonight me & my girl skipped down memory lane, but this time down my memories.
Every now and then we have a lil session like this, where we just sit back & laugh about our past stupidness & embarrassing behaviours but today we talked about something that had originally caused me pain.
I can say for the most part that I am extremely happy that I was able to laugh about it. This is a situation that for the longest while I'd refrained from talking about or mentioning with anyone nor had I ever gotten as deep into the memories as I did tonight. However today I went...well...almost all out [I say almost because we're tired now & need to sleep] so we had to cut it short at a certain point... but I had so much fun.
It was silly lol, and it was good to laugh about how silly I've been in the past when it came to my actions and my state of mind. I was nowhere near as angelic as I made out or people thought I was, I wasn't thinking or as wise as I thought I was at the time...& the way I seriously went all out...it was quite hilarious, so for the past hour it's just been pure giggles and "oh my gosh's" at my own stupidity.

The point of this whole blog is...I thought that in this situation I'd never be at a place where I could laugh about it the way I did tonight and it means a lot to be. Even though at the time I thought that it'd be too delicate for me to ever talk about as well as me thinking that I wouldn't ever be able to get over it, tonight proved me wrong. I was touching on areas I thought I'd long dusted under the rug or forced myself to forget, I was laughing about things that would've any other time brought tears to my eyes, all this shows me just how far I've come...because I don't hurt anymore even though the situation was so painful.
Fair enough, I still struggle for peace of mind sometimes, it's a shame how things turned out and there were certain parts that I seriously could've avoided but at the end of the day...now I'm laughing...and I'm glad.
I also wanted to use this as a time to encourage someone who's going through their own hurts and probably don't think they'll ever be able to come out of it & laugh about it. Trust me when I say you will, it may take a while...you'll cry a lot and for a while you'll be a brick but trust me, eventually when a person is fully able to let go of something & move on despite the outcome of a situation, eventually it falls into the category of things that are just the past. We're all human, we're all hurt, but as long as we're still standing we can move on.

Sending all my love

-xoxo


Tuesday 15 December 2009

More Changes.

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What's goodie ?

So today, I thought of a few changes that need to be made in my life. & no. I'm not on this "2010 I'm gonna start doin this & this" business, my changes are gonna start from now.
I had a lot of fun with my hair today, so I decided for about a year or so I'm gonna keep it short, I'm in no rush to grow it out at all plus it suits the look I'm goin' for...so no more braids of weave for a looooong time.
I've also decided to get three more piercings. This was inspired by the fact that the back of my top piercing closed up today & I'm too chicken to push through the covered skin with the stud on my own...I mean...that CAN'T be safe can it ? *shudders thinking about it* no no no no no. I decided I was gonna take my ass to Claire's tomorrow and see what I can do about it...& while I'm at it why not get three more ? This will mean in total I have about...8 ? Yes some family members may have a stroke seeing THAT and YES I am crazy for piercing the other side of the top of my ear knowing how much it KILLED last time...but who cares ? Once it heals it'll look great. Plus I don't plan on piercing anywhere on my face...belly button or anything...so I just want to enjoy this alright ?! *Rolls my eyes at the thought of family reactions* Cheeyz man it's not like it's my nipple or anything.
I've also decided I'm gonna push out a few more people from my life. Making the decision to switch from Art to music and seeing who supported me through it really made me realize who my friends are, those who believe in my dreams and those who think I'm wasting my time...at least now I know who I value and who believes in me.
Better yet still, I've discovered, if not for the fact that it's so cold outside, that I LOVE to be outside. Of course, I'm not a "road gyal", I won't be outside aimlessly doing nothing...but I like going places, I love to be busy. I've realized when I sit at home and I'm not doing much [if I'm not practicing] I get irritated...I need to be OUT somewhere doing something productive. Sure enough every once in a while you need the day to just relax and be you in your pjamz watching cartoons & eating things that'll spoil you from the inside out...but I just love it when I come home late and I'm too tired to do anything else and then just sleep, it's awesome times cause I know I'm one step closer to where I need to be. So I've decided to throw myself into a bunch of things that'll keep my weekdays as full as ever, now that I'm on a gap year I can pretty much do whatever I want...so I'm gonna use that time to better myself.
Finally, I'm considering going to America for uni...it's been pushed in my face so I figure I should take it right ? It's a big risk and a big change but it could also bring great things. It would mean a fresh start...which I know I need...it would mean a clean slate, not that I have anything to run from but it would be a "forward ever" kinda thing...I dunno, I just see big opportunities. Plus as a musician it would be great for me to really flourish properly there would it not ? I know I need to step my game waaay up before then, but still thinking of how much I could learn, grow and enjoy myself over there just makes me want to be there more and more. The only thing holding me back is that I wouldn't want to miss out on anything here, but as it stands right now there isn't anything I would be SERIOUSLY leaving behind that I wouldn't be able to start again once I get there sooo.....SAT exams ? Yes ?

All these thoughts were inspired by the fact that I went to get new glasses today, my eyes are getting better so they gave me a different prescription & I got to pick new glasses :o)

Till next time

xoxo

P.S - I'm back on Twitter...I dunno how the hell this happened but find me here
-xo

Saturday 12 December 2009

Great day, thoughtful evening.

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Hey all, I'll start off first by saying I had an amazing day today. Went up to Nottingham & performed with my choir at the SDA church. Was it an amazing performance ? Best believe mate. Soprano's we're doin this as usual [dun know], alto's sounded amazing, tenors were on this...altogether it was great & we did what we were supposed to do anyway which was glorify God. Despite the few dirty stares from the old ladies due to our clapping, dancing and raising of hands, it was a really good night. I had a hell of a lot of fun, will definitely post pics tomorrow.
So, the reason I chose to write this blog was because I was reading one of my girl's one that she made to vent her feelings and frustrations prior to her recent breakup & I've never seen her get so bare and real in all the time I've known her. She was actually very open and honest with herself and those who may come across it [this is actually one of the best ways to deal with a breakup as lying to yourself never gets you anywhere & the hurt only digs itself in deeper] and I think she was being very brave in doing so. This then set me back to thinking about my own...well the closest thing I've ever had to a break up, it reminded me of one of my favourite lines from Sara Bareilles - Between the lines [yeah we all know I'm a fan] and it goes:

"I tell myself, all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until, the conversation doesn't stay on
'Wait for me I'm almost ready'...when he meant let go"

It's the last line exactly that used to hit the hardest. This is due to the simple fact that people make it a habbit of leading other people on and I'm just like...why ? what exactly are you getting out of it ? All you're really doing is giving yourself unnecessary headache plus stress AND setting the other party involved up for some serious heartbreak. If you don't love someone, why say it ? If you fall OUT of love with someone why don't you tell them ? I mean why play games ? Thing is, it makes things a hell of a lot easier to be honest, it really does, it may not look that way at the time but it makes it a million times worse when you get FOUND OUT than when you come clean. You aren't going to die after telling the truth neither will the other party involved, but at least then you can walk away knowing you were honest.
To this day I really don't understand it, it's ridiculous...I've seen this happen to so...SO many people time and time again & it's just so...soo UNNECESSARY. If you know someone likes you a hell of a lot more than you like them & you're not on it then you give it to them straight then you bounce, simple as. People will argue with me that it's not that easy but it honestly really is, unless you really didn't care in the first place...in that case you're just clearly on a madness.
It puts you in a painful place to know that you loved someone with everything you had yet they never loved you in the first place, but what's worse is that they pretended like they did.
In my opinion now, a person should only allow themselves to fall in love with someone ONCE. Falling in love more than one time aint what they make it look like in films. Because at the end of the day when you love someone that you have no real future with you completely disregard the fact that one day you guys are going to break up & after you've finished making that person your everything & giving them your heart...when they leave you're left with all this pain & a piece of your heart missing that you will never get back. I know people say "you can't help who you fall in love with" and believe me I know...but I beg you be smart about the decision, no one should give their heart to anyone unless they know for a damn fact what they're doing...there is NOTHING wrong with playing hard to get or keeping your guard up, because it's when a person is willing to take away the shield and be like "Look, I'm here, I aint goin' nowhere so you might as well drop this nonsense & let me have you" that you know they're the real deal.

I know this blog probably makes little sense, & it's a bit random...but my hand has been on my chin a lot this evening...so I thought I'd share, even though it sounds more like a rant lol.

-xoxo

Monday 30 November 2009

Butterflies on the cross.

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So today I drew this. This was inspired when I was listening to Carolinexoxo as she was singing "Turn your lights down low" [ her earlier version ] and as she was making her riffs and runs I felt the need to draw, so I did.
But I've dropped the pencil now.
Meaning I'm no longer a Graphic Design student.
A lot of people have asked me why I've decided to drop Art & Design as my major & it's for these reasons here.
- I like Art, don't get me wrong I really do. I love to draw...just not the way universities demand from you. I was trying to kid myself for a while that it's what I'm passionate about and I love it but that's not the case & lying to yourself only throws you into a deeper whole. Art & Design [ specifically graphic design because that's what I was doing ] is a course that demands a hell of a lot of your time and patience, you need to literally BREATHE the subject if you're going to really excel in it, have dreams about it at night and allsorts cause it needs to be IN you...& i'm just not like that about it at all [ It took me going up to a Nottingham Trent University open day to realize this ].

- So from there I thought....omdz... I actually have a serious problem cause I've just realized I don't want to do Graphic design anymore...but then I had a talk with Hope & she asked me what I'm passionate about and what I see myself doing, at that moment I looked over at my piano and I said...."this....". Then we ended up launching into like an hours discussion about me changing my whole career aspects and what it is I want to do with my life & the goals that would be necessary for me to reach in order for me to get there. This was about...a month ago or so and at the time everything she was saying looked damn near impossible...so I was still stuck.

- 2 weeks later and after seeking council from a lot of the loved ones in my life, I decided to go for it. Now a month later here I am, sending off my application form to take my grade exams in Piano & vocal, filling out my UCAS on my own, finding references and reviewing how the hell I'm gonna structure my personal statement. Part of a brand new choir [ The shebach choir, performing in Nottingham on the 12th of Dec ], Getting CONSTANT links into the gospel industry through my girl Mabel a.k.a May [ if you don't know her, get to know her, shes a dime ] & last night I think was one of the most amazing nights I've had in a long time. Nothing special happened, but May took me to her youth church she usually sings at [ where I was really really blessed so to speak ] & I met so many amazing people who are in love with this side of the creative arts too. I met actors, dancers, spoken word artists, singers, songwriters & musicians and I was just absolutely blown away by them, the fact that I fit right in shifted something in me.
I'm now involved in a hell of a lot of projects & workshops that I'm gonna be constantly in from now till September, I'm still always in training especially cause I'm quite new to this...I came up with the "Butterflies on the cross" thing because of my new-ness. See, May calls those who are up and coming " Butterflies" so I was branded as a butterfly yesterday & the cross thing signifies in my life that everything I'm doing I'm doing it for my God, because I owe it all up to him. I wouldn't even be where I am today if not for him. I've been so ill for the past month or so but in the midst of all that I've somehow found the strength to not STAY down, realize my dreams ARE in reach and make the necessary movements & set the necessary goals to reach them.

[ Also, I just want to make it clear. I do not repeat DO NOT want to be in the mainstream music industry. Oh no. The industry is a HOT MESS and I would never ever place myself in the midst of all that. I know where I'm going and I know what I want to be. I'm just doing what I need to do in order to get there ]

I'm currently working towards taking my grade 6 Piano exam and my grade 8 vocal exam, I'm scared as hell but I know I can do it if I focus.
I'm gonna be part of a bunch of courses from January, all contributing towards my training in the necessary areas, so my foundation year has to go.
My weeks are very busy, and my schedule is always full but I love it that way. I love it because it's productive AND I'm enjoying it, it's what I'm passionate about. I never ever in a million years thought I would get to where I am now...I have a life. A life that's mine and no one else's, A life where it's just me & God & where I no longer care about silly things like having a boyfriend or unnecessary friends, I'm trying to keep it relevant, I can thankfully say I'm on a "Wasteman get behind thee" movement [ courtesy of Kanika Ess ] & I can hold my own for as long as I need to.

As the year is almost over, I realize just how far I've come in the space of 12 months. I'm almost 20 & I've finally got me back. I know there's still a lot I need to learn, still so much more I need to grow and my road is still long, but I can get there, I know I can... no BODY can ever try tell me otherwise.


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Have a good night all

xoxo

Thursday 19 November 2009

Hmm...cuuuuuuuuuurious...

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Ok question :


Do you think there's one select person made out there for all of us ? Or do you think love is what you make it ?

I'm on the fence. I think that love is what you make it, but then again if you can make it work with someone and the relationship ends up perfect for you then doesn't that mean that person is right for you and no one else ? The bone of your bone ? Your Adam/Eve ?
I think people are too quick to jump into relationships then end up hurt due to lack of patience, but if it's done right, if you're both on the same page, you obviously feel so strongly about this person & you seem to just fit in a way that you can spend the rest of your life with that person....then that's you right there right ?
I think as usual it's all a waiting game, but when you've found that person that you know is perfect for you as in DON'T GET NO BETTERRRRR & you dun know you won't ever wanna be with anybody else...then that's your one.

Just a thought.


xoxo

Write me a letter, not an email.

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Ahhhh, love letters. Love letters. Lurrrv letters. I love them. I love them because they mean so much more recieving a letter that took time to write than taking the 20minutes to punch in a few keys on the computer. I love it when you see all the cross outs, the underlines, the chicken scratch handwriting cause they eventually got tired...that means more than any email in my books.
I dunno if I'm the only person who still loves the idea of love letters, but if I am so be it.

I was reading Christiana's blog earlier on today [ I refer to her so casually because I'm sure you all know of her already ] and I was reminded of an earlier blog she wrote called "Bringing back natural interactions" [ at least I think it was called that anyway ]. This blog stirred something in me, cause I've always been a big fan of letters, post it's, notes, lunch dates etc.
Even though I have no problems with calling someone because sometimes it really is necessary I just think sometimes a visit is more appropriate...a lunch date... go see a movie together...something ? All these things over time have been so slyly replaced by :
- Texts
- BBm & iChat
- Facebook/Myspace/Twitter
- Phone calls
- Voicemails even @_@
- Skype etc etc
Even though I'm guilty of using these...very guilty actually because some people you just DON'T want to see face to face, you should never get no wrapped up in it that you get addicted so you have virtually no time for yourself or end up spending no REAL time with anybody else.
[ This used to be one of my biggest problems, but over the course of this year I've come to realize life begins to literally pass you by, even when you're in the presence of other people you're still possibly texting someone else, or your phone rings, or your BB messenger goes off or something ].

I dunno, call me old fashioned, but I just find it means so much more to go that extra mile, you know ?

xoxo

Wednesday 18 November 2009

Forgiveness ? Necessary ?

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So I was reading a blog by Christiana [ Christiana Rants ] called "Forgiveness & Bowties" & I was all noddin' away with what she was sayin, shaking my head at the necessary points & what not until I got to the end where she asked all readers for our opinion. I was pretty sure what I was going to say until I started typing it. At first I was all like "Yeah, I agree man trust, forgiveness is essential, you have to forgive & let go cause it's healthy for YOU bla bla bla" so sure about what the hell I was saying, until I got to the middle of my lil paragraph and started to disagree with myself...I weren't like "If a person doesn't deserve it then just let go" but I was thinking...how far can you go with forgiveness ?
If someone does you wrong of course the first thing that's gonna come to your mind is that you can't forgive them, because it's hard, real talk it is, forgiveness isn't something that comes as naturally as it should, it takes time and a whole lot of hurt & releasing to be able to REALLY let go, but is that person worth all of that is my question. I know we have to forgive, not even for them but for us, it's essential because it's healthier for us [ plus you're gonna be the ones loosin' sleep at night and not the other party involved ] but sometimes do they really deserve it ? & how far are you expected to go ?
Some think forgiveness means letting the person who hurt you back into your life no matter what circumstance. I say it depends. If it's a small issue that with time you know you'll get over/ it was an accident and the person didn't intentionally hurt you or something then I see no issue with [ in due time ] allowing the person back into your life. HOWEVER. I question whether it's okay to let a person back into your life who after hurting you showed no real remorse but then suddenly decided to find a conscience and apologize somewhere down the line, but it could depend how deep the hurt runs.
It's hard man, let me not lie.
It's hard to let go of what's broken you and say you forgive someone, because you know for a damn fact while you're struggling to do so they're carrying on with life as normal while you're trying to pick up the pieces.
But I guess you're doing it for you, not them.

xoxo


Tuesday 17 November 2009

Goodnight love.

"Goodnight love, because tomorrow's another day. Thank you for today though, because when I asked you to make me smile, you did."

xoxo

Monday 16 November 2009

My christmas wishlist

I saw a status that made me laugh on my facebook about what they want for Christmas, so for kicks I decided to write my own list [ don't laugh ]:

1. An iPhone, I had the opportunity to buy this last year, I don't know what possessed me to NOT get it. The new one just looks so beautiful, mines, I want
2. New glasses. As crazy as it may sound I want the proper big neeky glasses, just cause they're different lol
3. New Pj's
4. A big teddy bear, I've wanted one since I was like 16
5. A pair of Gladiator heels [ Now, don't get me wrong. Me wearing heels is a RARE cosmic event, however I love the look of them & I will throw them on for special occasions ]
6. Yes, another notebook
7. Heroes, Supernatural AND 24 box set's
8. Moneys please tanx
9. Flat shoes in every colour
10. Nail polish in every colour [ HA ! Like I paint my nails on the regular. Still. Would be good to have ]
11. Cook book please !
12. Studs in every colour
13. New iPod. Preferably the iPod touch :o)
14. A new sketchbook ? Maybe ?
15. All the CS3 series
16. A book, any book, that can jump start me into learning guitar until I've got time for lessons
17. A wheat bag [ don't ask ]
18. Big earphones
19. Pretty pens.
20. Socks. Yes I said socks. I don't like walking around my halls barefoot

xoxo

Saturday 31 October 2009

Progress.

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This is my darling that sits in my mama's house. I had to take a picture of this beauty the other day because she & I were having such good times.
I composed the first part to "Fix me" on friday. It was a bit of a challenge and it took a while but I did it. Hope helped me by dropping the main chords for the chorus and helpin' me come up with a consistant melody, but it was my job to come up with the first verse and the bridge.
I felt really proud of myself because I was able to do so, in only the space of 2 months I'm already able to read music & play songs, it was one of my biggest achievements to be able to play one of my favourite songs "Love song" by Sara Bareilles, so now the fact that I'm actually growing more and being able to compose makes my heart...swell lol. Even though the chords are a lil basic at the moment, it's still progress right ? I've only been at this for 2 months & I think I'm doing pretty damn well, all by God's grace.
I'm unfortunately sick again, plus under a hell of a lot of pressure because of my coursework load & my choice of which choir I want to join and where I'm gonna stay grounded and where I'm gonna officially start my degree etc etc...it's all a lil much at the moment but I don't doubt that I'll end up where I'm supposed to be.
However, it's 3am in the morning, I'm procrastinating watching super nanny & drinking aero hot chocolate (yum =] ), I really do need to start some experiments.
I'll try & see if I could drop a blog tomorrow, but before I do I wanna leave by saying something that has been pressed onto me in the past...3 days or so ?
Grudges aren't nor will they ever be worth it, it's important to let go. When you hold onto things that someone did for you, use them as excuses and drag them out no one is loosing out except you ? I'm not saying this like it's easy, I know how tough it is, but make it a goal, make it a mindset not to keep grudges especially when it's unnecessary. This does NOT mean forgive anybody that's ever wronged them and then begin to build a relationship with them again so they can come & hurt you again after. No. This means forgive & let it go...that's it.

Ok I'm done.

xoxo

Tuesday 27 October 2009

Early morning blues

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*Frowns*

Morning all, I'm up extra early to finish my coursework...I should've been up earlier [ 5:00am actually ] but I couldn't do it, I couldn't bring myself to wake up at that ridiculous time especially since I fell asleep at 1:00am...so now I'm up at 8:00am & i'm feeling weird...I'm not used to it...waking up earlier than necessary is not the one :o(

Anyway. I thought I'd write a blog quickly before I get started on my work [ or do anything else for that matter ] about patience which is something I've noticed I'm severely lacking, it seems that the time you need it most is when it becomes the most annoying factor in your life ; to have to wait...and wait...and wait...while sometimes not even knowing what exactly you're waiting for. Unfortunately you need patience for everything. You need to be patient about your goals, you need to be patient about your healing, you need to be patient when your waiting in line to get that Chicken bake from Greggs when your damn starving & the queue is a mile long because it's lunch time *breathes in*...you need to wait for everything ! but my notion is that anything that's worth it takes time, so as long as your not wasting your time on something or someone who's not worth it then you're good to go.
It's really important that as people we spend our time properly, time is precious & we don't have a lot of it, so we need to spend it on the right things especially since most of the things we wait for are out of our hands...I mean... we can't exactly speed up our success so that we suddenly get what we want faster ? we can't exactly fast forward time so that that right person walks into our life before we're ready can we ? & more importantly we can't make people that are slow do what we want ; what we need to do in that time of patience is we need to invest.
For example, a lot of people get really impatient when it comes to gettin' married or being with someone, they don't wanna wait to find that right person so they jump ahead of themselves & then they end up settling or being with someone that aint right for them when if they had just waited a little longer the right person would've come their way. Hell singleness is a blessing, in the time when you're single and you're waitin' on that time of singleness to come to an end you need to be patient & invest that time in yourself. Grow as a person, learn more things about yourself, do the things you've always wanted to do & do the necessary to achieve your goals, really spend time on yourself & more importantly recognize what you want out of the next relationship to come so you don't end up wasting your time.
Even in things like makin' money, I know a lot of dudes who get impatient and then go about it in the wrong way, what's wrong with waiting & then strategizing properly ? If you have dreams invest properly in your time so it's easier for you to reach them, for example don't sit there and be like " I wanna play basketball professionally" yet you're sittin' at home on your ass all day, not making attempts to train or join a team or anything that's necessary for you to get there then start complaining when the dream aint happening...you're just wasting your time & more importantly my time because I'm sitting there having to listen to you complain when I could be doing something ELSE.

Patience is something we all have to deal with, and it does get hard let me not lie, especially since I lack so much of it, but it takes time. Biggest time waster is people who'll ask me for advice, I give it to them [ after hours of listening to their life story & then spending another 30mins to give them the solution ], then 5mins later they go and do the OPPOSITE of what I said then come back later to complain about the situation, I get so pissed off & 99% of the time I give up, but I guess if everyone was like me then everyone would be givin' up on everybody.
The essense of this blog is just a reminder to me & I guess anyone else who's readin this that there's nothing wrong with a lil' patience, just make sure you're investing your time properly.

xoxo

Friday 23 October 2009

"Friends"

Hello all, I'm back so long as I have space :o)

My life's been a madness since I last sat down to properly blog on here, who knew my foundation year would be so intense ? I've really had to get myself together and prioritize so this barely leaves me with any time for myself, however when I do find time for myself I'm found writing, practising the piano or just being.
I'm involved in a lot of stuff this year so I'm always busy, but in the midst of my busy-ness I have been able to stop...and stare, this meaning taking the time to sit down and actually evaluate my life and those around me. In these times theres always something new I'm learning or finding.
Honestly speaking, a lot of my "friends" have dropped from my life like flies, is this a bad thing ? no not really, you need to shed off the unnecessary and categorize your friends...it took me a while to learn that not every friend you have is necessarily going to be good for you, you need to realize who fits where and until you notice this your actually quite pissed.

You have your first set of friends, which are never usually more than 1 or 2 people, I call it best friends, others call it blood..whatever you choose to call it. These are the people who'll stick with you no matter what, who'll stand by you no matter what stupid thing you did yesterday or the foolish thing you said the day before. They'll standardly get in your face and tell you when your acting like a moron for the sole purpose that they care about you...simply put when you mess up they'll still be there. If you have even one of these types of people in your life consider yourself more than blessed.

The second set of friends are the fake ones. With these types all you need is ONE common ground with them, be it the interest in a male/female, the fact that you both like to go out raving, an ex, a particular person your pretending to like but you really can't stand them...anything...that one common ground is enough for a purpose to be in your life and stick with you like they're one of your best friends when the reality is that one common ground is the only reason why you are friends and once it's gone you have no real reason to even be around that person. A lot of people get confused and think these type of people are gonna be around for life because they "click" [ we've all fallen into this category at some point in our lives ] but once the common ground dies out & you go your seperate ways you end up heartbroken thinking you've lost a true friend, when they were never a true friend to begin with. Recognise this type of friend and keep them at your fingertips.

The third type of friends are the mood killers...well that's what I call them anyway. Them ones that every time you talk to them your mood is swayed [ mostly in a bad direction ], they don't even have to say anything, just the way their facial expression is set about something you're talking about is enough to put you off. They don't like what you like but they'll dislike what you dislike and you may think this is enough of a reason to keep them around...but it's really not. They're self absorbed, uncompassionate and their heads are so far gone up their backside they can't tell left from right let alone be a proper friend to you. They'll either keep you as a friend so they can make themselves look and feel better or they're using you until someone else comes along that they can ditch you for...so the only reason they ever started talking to you was to see what they could get out of you, not so you could benefit anything from them. Simply put friends like these deserve airtime.

Then of course, you get the haters, who'll smile in your face but behind your back it's a different story...you're always gonna have these, don't be surprised, the only way you can effectively deal with them without hurting yourself is to shake it off and go about your business, remember, they're the one loosing sleep over YOUR success, so don't get hurt when you hear someone who's supposed to be your friend has been talking about you behind your back, it's usually because they're the ones with the problem.

Then finally, you have the ones who are "just there". These are the type that if you decided to become dead to the world for a few days and suddenly come back they wouldn't even know you had gone. They aren't really in your life for any reason of significance, they just add to the number of unnecessary friends that you don't need. Everytime you friendship detox, at least two of these types of friends need to go.

I felt the need to write this because I recently realised how so very blessed I am to have some of the people I have in my life be there, for every bad friend you have another good friend can replace, so don't ever feel like your loosing out when you loose a friend who was never really good to you. It took me a while to learn this & it took a lot of pain before the message really settled in, it's a message not everyone is willing to comprehend but it needs to be said, as people we all need each other but your never ever going to need anyone who isn't good for you.


xoxo

Thursday 8 October 2009

Gosh man...

The way I've been absent from this place is terrible ! My bad.

My facebook addiction is flaring back up again... need to stop that.
I've had uni, I've had workshops, I've been ill, I've had drama on Halls, I've had issues, I've been eating way too much junk food...ok no seriously...
I'll try & start droppin' blogs a bit more frequently again if I can, I actually do have proper stuff to write about...I swear, but already coursework is breakin' my back & I'm gettin' a little run down just trying to organize myself, but I will most deff get back on track.

I have a few things to get off my chest anyways.

xoxo

Thursday 17 September 2009

Open Book.

Is it possible for me to put down the book without real end ?

The last chapter in the book still left unread
Or is there more to the story ? A part 2 or 3 ?
Too scared to look, too impatient to wait and see
Trust isn't something so freely given
Yet I'm lost in words & lies, told & written
Sitting in the centre of the world of make believe
Flipping through pages in hopes I can achieve...
The kind of fairy tale that I've always dreamed
Writing the definition of love, changing it, so it seemed
Eyes flying across the words of the story that you wrote
Becomming all too familiar with your lines & quotes
If it's possible to rewrite the book believe me I would
Change it so that it's for MY greater good
But the book's already written, the book without real end
The last chapter still very much left unread

- Pookie.

I wrote this pretty early this year, although a lot of you may not know what the hell I'm on about, it may be all over the place and there's no constant flow; the words and meaning behind it have great significance to me so I thought I'd post it up here. When I wrote it I was crying, an emotional wreck and had no sense of direction, so now reading it back I realize just how far I've come from that place. The closure I was so greatly seeking when I wrote this I no longer need nor do I want it,I realize that I did manage to rewrite the end of the book & the book just as it is all DID work for my greater good. I've grown.

xoxo

Thursday 10 September 2009

Moved out.

Okay..okay. It's been a million years since I last blogged about anything, don't get me wrong I've meant to...I've got like 3 blogs waiting to be published that I haven't been able to finish.
It's just the past couple of weeks have been so overly busy.
First off, I moved into my halls of residence this week in Elly & Castle. My first impressions weren't good, I was lonely, hungry, PMSing & tired as hell cause I hadn't slept the night before. Plus I didn't know anyone, I had met one Tenant [ Cassie ] & she seemed alright [pics soon come] but that didn't take away from the fact that I felt so awkward & homesick. No tv, no food [ ok...I had food but there was no proper seasoning & for me I'd rather not eat than eat food thats dry as hell ], no internet, no nothing...so my first thought was, "what the hell am I doing here again?".
It's now been like...2 days ? & I've settled in a whole lot better, I've met & jammed with a couple more people from my floor & the floors up & downstairs, they aint really what I'm used to but they're really nice people; we went out yesterday night lol... very interesting night, but that's a story for another day.

I'll upload pics soon...when I have the time. I'm going home today just to spend some time with the fam...I really surprisingly do miss them a hell of a lot <3 one train away seems too far lol & also of course...my piano *love heart sign* I never thought I'd fall in love with it as much as I have...*sniffs*...just proof that in my 2nd year I'll have to get a place of my own so I can buy one to practice on a regular.
I'm now in a choir too...sorta...i'll explain later lol.

xoxo

Saturday 29 August 2009

Is love really THAT blind ?

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This picture just says it all, in the sense that sometimes...we're the ones blinding ourselves.

Everyone likes the feeling of love, being in love.
The good morning texts.
The "I just wanted to let you know how much I miss you" emails/inboxes.
The snuggle times.
The kisses.
The feeling of knowing someone feels the same way about you that you do them.

But no one thinks about the consequences.

The consequences that the person you're falling for just may not be worth the love that you're giving to them.
Being mentally/physically abused, having the foundations of your peace of mind shaken, loosing who you are & your life, the risk of your whole being becoming about that person then the relationship becomes unhealthy.
Why ?
Because we're not smart.
I know so many girls who are so in love with the idea of falling in love, they're willing to dive into anything no matter how painful it is just so they can experience it. They obviously have no idea what they're on about... but for those of us who have been in love before, isn't it really worth it to just take things that bit slower ?
Rushing as I've learned only ever leads to hurt you could've avoided if you were smarter, I mean, what's wrong with spending a little more time with each other just as friends ? [ I almost said "mate"...oh my daze @_@ ] without all the messy stuff like sex & feelings & time limits, why not take it that little bit slower to really KNOW the person you're about to give your heart too. It's not about "longin it" as some people like to call it, it's about taking the time to really get to know someone, before you willingly give up your peace of mind & wholeness of heart to someone else to keep.

I recently made up my mind that if a guy is ever in the picture, it would have to be a month + before I even make up my mind that I like them as a FRIEND let alone start to allow myself to have feelings for them, because if that aint the case you get idiots tellin you after 1 week how much they like you, how great they supposedly think you are & all this other foolishness that belongs in the bin. The purer the foundations the better.
Although...people say there is the problem of when you have a good friendship with someone & you get into a relationship with that person, if you break up with them there's a strong chance that it'll be harder to salvage the friendship after. Sometimes it is but sometimes it isn't. People make the mistake of not giving each other space after they break up, when I say space I mean REAL space, space enough so they can think about their ex being with someone else & it's practically no skin off their nose, that's when they know they're ready enough to start their friendship again from the top.
Trust me when I say I'm ready to take things as slow as possible out here, cause that guy who is the truth WILL stand the test of time.
It's better to be smart about these things than to wrecklessly go in & by the end of it be several pieces of your heart short because some looser still has bits of it in his pocket.

xoxo

*Yawns* Just a quick update.

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I'm so jealous.
I've had the longest weekend, I've had barely any rest the whole week so I really just wanna collapse into my bed [its got that fresh bed sheet feelin` goin on too] & let sleep drown me.
However I can't.
Cause I'm being forced to watch final destination 3.
So I though before I konk out let me drop a blog.
Ahem.
It's been a really long week too...but thankfully this week has all been about personal growth for me. I've been spending a lot of time in the kitchen cooking [ I was surprised to learn that I actually am a good cook] & I baked cookies on friday with Cindy. I made them by 5:00pm & by the time I got back downstairs by 7:00pm my family had demolished them. I was too proud of myself to get irri over it, hell, I thought I'd bun cookies if I ever baked them on my own but I didn't & u knowwwww this maynnnnnnnnnn.

Also, my Piano & music theory is getting a hell of a lot better :o). In terms of my vocals ...erm...confidence & creativity is my biggest problem right now. I can adlib & sing all I want on my own, but once I get up infront of a croud I freeze up [as proved last week thursday...I'd rather not talk about it thanks]. It was some seriously emotional times, I cried after & Cindy and my vocal coach scolded me like never before...it's not like I were seriously singing in a concert, I was ministering in a church & I got waaay more nervous than I should have allowed myself to cause I weren't prepared, plus I'd let a bad comment get to my head & shattered my confidence.
However, I ministered again last night to my own church & it went a hell of a lot better...I was still nervous as hell but I handled it better. I guess this is just another hurdle I have to overcome & I know with time I will. In terms of the song I'm writing I unfortunately haven't been paying as much attention to it as I should have been, so I plan to use the next couple of days to really get some stuff down.

Plus, I move out next sunday. Am I shittin' bricks ? Hell yes. I have NO idea what's in store for me in terms of who I'm living with and the experience life is about to throw at me. I don't know anyone in the uni, I don't have any idea where to even start...& I'm spending so much money this year which is KILLING me...I hope it's all worth it.


xoxo

Monday 24 August 2009

A lot of love for...

Sara Bareilles <3

A lot of people may not see it, but her lyrics & music are a stroke of pure genius.
The definition of original, n even though this song sounds like somethin` you'd hear on an advert I love the meaning behind it.
Her album = G.O.A.T
.



xoxo

Always be.

"I don't wanna hear "I'll be your superman" cause we both know that you can't fly...all the same..I'll accept you takin` the train to come & save me".
- Pookie.

My lil` quote there is me simply expressing the importance of being yourself...so you get the real gist of what you're dealing with.
Why quack like a duck when you're a dog ?
If you know you're ONLY Clark Kent, then tell me, n' take the train/bus to come & find me...I'll still appreciate that you came.
Allow me, I'm having a random moment, blame late night music.

xoxo

Sunday 23 August 2009

Family times = Good times.

Today was a nice day. My 2 fav cousins are down from Nigeria & my nephew, so today was family day.
Full of Nando's, fanta & plentyful jokes.


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I don't really get why people say me & this chicken look like twins, it's so blatant that she's my younger sister...

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This is Roro [a.k.a Papa], he's such a naughty boy & a troublemaker but I love him to bits...I notice I act really immature around kids...he's passed the age where hes too cute to look for his trouble. I had just given him a bath in that pic & he was so tired, plus I look a hot mess & probably smelled like soap but we still had a lot of fun.

It's all love

xoxo

Saturday 22 August 2009

Tinsel town pt 1

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Nice night out ladies, we were rollin'

[ Courtesy of Abby, Lauz, Fatz & Nabz ]

xoxo

Thank you..

Your advice enabled me to school uneducated eggheads like Keppi on how to brush up on their game...

Dunno where I'd be without it

:o)

xoxo

Tuesday 18 August 2009

I'm having a nerd moment.

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Right.
I want to dedicate this blog to my darlingest Jacob Black *does a love heart sign a million times over*.
Now I read this book ages ago, but I felt the need to express the love for my fav character 'cause people underestimate his greatness.
Jacob Black is everything Edward Cullen should be & everything Bella want's but cause shes so caught up on Edward's looks she fails to realize this. Canyewimagine.
People say it's all about Edward just because he'd protect Bella & look after her & put all her interests first & bla bla bla *rolls eyes* as if Jake wouldn't do that too & more. Jake would do everything Edward can & do it better. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I dislike Edward but ever since he left Bella for a year + in "New moon" he just proved to be not on point.
I loved that the 2nd book was all about Jake...& for once Bella was able to really be her own person. When Edward's around, all Bella is is Edward. All she talks about is Edward. All she thinks about is Edward. The only person she's ever around is Edward [ & maybe Alice but again with Alice comes EDWARD], Edward this, Edward that, for goodness sake man she has NO mind when Edward is around. Her stupid infatuation that she calls "love" for Edward which is solely based on his looks is what's made me put down the last book & read another book instead, shes so ghey & :| ... Someone isn't supposed to come & take away your sense of self so you get so lost in them. No. You're supposed to both add to each other lives, not they come along & become your whole damn life I mean wdf ? So when they for one reason or another have to leave what are you gonna do then ? You're gonna be left with nothing that's what which is clearly what happened in book 2 & then you were depressed out of your mind, damn near suicidal until Jacob came. This girl shes such an idiot. Never have I read about such foolishness.
But when it's all about JAKE. Bella's free to do whatever she wants, be around whoever she wants to be around, live her life & have her dreams the way SHE wants to. Plus he's her best friend, her partner in crime & her rock, Jake is the WHOLE package & a bag of chips, I don't understand why she can't see this. Sure Jacob is slightly immature, a bit wreckless & has temper problems but isn't that what it's all about ? growing together ? being with someone who makes you whole & loves you the way you are ? she was damaged goods & still in love with some bloodsucker who left her cause he's chupid & Jacob came along and stitched her back up...in my opinion how she repaid him was not on par at all.

All I can say is this. If Jacob Black was real you'd have to pry me off him with a crowbar.
I'd be a wolf girl anyday.

xoxo

Sunday 16 August 2009

Anonymous.doc

[Test]

Dear anonymous,


Whoever's out there & is coming into my life next, there are a few things about me that you need to know before you decide to ride this progressing train.
I mean c'mon, if you're gonna be my partner in crime there needs to be some ground rules first.
First of all, in the words of Kelly Clarkson, "I do not hook up, I fall deep" meaning we take it slow...& I'm not talkin "linkin" for a few months & then decide to be together. No. I'm talking "Musiq soulchild - Buddy" or "Musiq Soulchild - Just friends" style...hell....Musiq had the whole idea. We either do it that way to begin with or no way at all & you will just remain my associate forever. I take things slow for a reason, if you rush me it won't be nice for either of us.
Secondly, I will not believe you if you tell me you like me just after a couple of weeks/one month...that's rubbish. I will not believe you if you tell me you want to spend ridiculous amounts of money on me when you barely know me, that's how you know crap is just sitting heavy behind your words. I won't listen to you if you repeat lines to me I heard on the movie I watched the previous day, or you tell me what you think you know about me, because I'll just look at you, and then I'll laugh.
Thirdly, don't play games. I'm not into that. I'll walk out upon any signs of that. I'm not in for any type of emotional stress or excess hassle from someone who's just as human as I am. If you keep it 100% real with me I'll keep it real with you...I'll prob like you even more for being so upfront with me anyway.
Also.
Laugh with me when I eat messy, tolerate the fact that I go crazy when I see sweeties or a pix & mix stand. Know that when I tell you to read a book because you'll like it...I know for a damn fact you really would like it. Get used to the fact that I'm talkative...& most of it is rubbish...you have to listen to the rubbish too. I'm aff...know that eventually you'll have to understand whats comin out of my mouth...I'm not saying you have to speak it, but make attempts to understand & accept it the way I will do for whatever culture you're coming from. Know that sometimes I like to cuddle just because. Watch cartoons with me in the morning & jam with me to in video gospel. Let me know when I'm being an idiot, it may sting but I'll appreciate it later. We're not having sex so dont ask. I can go from snap music to adlibbing to alicia keys to air guitaring to Evanescansce to jumping around to Smokie Norful to chillaxin & writing along to some Maxwell...my taste in music runs wide & deep...I'm not saying you have to like it but be accepting. Have deep conversations with me. Don't underestimate me or insult my growing intelligence...you'll regret it later. Respect my beliefs & when I ask you to pass me the remote...give it.
My list runs a mile long, but you have to learn the rest along the way. I can't reveal all the secrets can I ?

Love Uwie


P.s...just for the record...it's not like I won't give back 110%. Trust me when I say I will.

Why did I write this ?
I was reading a book earlier about how demanding we as people are with what we want from others. This made me wonder about just how much I'd be asking for from the next person...so I was thinkin about it n I decided to put it down in the best form I know, writing.
To be honest before I wrote this I didn't think I was demanding at all, but I realise I'm asking for an awful lot of someone who's just as human as I am and struggling to get through life the same way that I am. I guess it's a lot when I lay it out like that...but I do know my worth & I do know what I will & won't stand for. That being said doesn't mean that I don't have a lot of work to do on myself before I start telling someone else what to expect and take from me.
For the past few days I've been on this "why should I give my heart out to someone when they're just gonna trample on it ? bun dat" flex...& my friend pointed out to me the other day that I may well just be the one trampling next...because I am a human & it's what we humans do best.

This all makes me think about just how much acceptance & patience you need to have to be able to be with someone else, how much of their baggage you need to take on without a hint of complaint...& you'd do it because you love them. Babysitting.
...
Yeah that patience & acceptance part...I'm working on that.

xoxo

My dahlink.

So I walked into "Herga Music" the other day & saw one of the most beautiful things I've ever encountered in my life.

There he stood.

Skin a light olive oil colour.
Strong looking & well built.
Made especially for women.
Fit perfectly into my arms.
I couldn't resist & I had to have him.


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Isn't he beautiful ? & mines. For all knowing purposes his name is Jubba so if you see his name in future blogs know who I'm talking about.

All his brothers had been sold & he was the only one left, so I took him there & then. Finders keepers, losers weepers.

He sounds beautiful too.

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Lol. We're gonna have a lot of fun together.

xoxo

Friday 14 August 2009

Pookie got a haircut.

Sorry about my recent absence...I've been overly busy hence my disappearance on my blog.

However.

One thing I reckon I should let you know isss....I cut my hair :o)


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Did I die when they took the first few snips of my hair ? Hell yez. But I got over it as the style progressed...it's gonna take some getting used to but I do quite like it :o) It's a big change from the past year of braids, weave on's & afro's...so I'm just gonna be natural for a lil while.

I move out in 3 weeks.
I start uni in 4 weeks.
I'm job hunting.
I'm involved in a lot of activities at my church.
I'm still sailing through the mabel project and my vocal lessons.
Found a guitar teacher, gonna properly start learning once I get myself a job.
I'm on a quest for self sufficiency.

Do I have time for this ? No. Do I have time for anything nowadays ? No.

xoxo