Butterflies on the cross.

So today I drew this. This was inspired when I was listening to Carolinexoxo as she was singing "Turn your lights down low" [ her earlier version ] and as she was making her riffs and runs I felt the need to draw, so I did.

But I've dropped the pencil now.

Meaning I'm no longer a Graphic Design student.

A lot of people have asked me why I've decided to drop Art & Design as my major & it's for these reasons here.

- I like Art, don't get me wrong I really do. I love to draw...just not the way universities demand from you. I was trying to kid myself for a while that it's what I'm passionate about and I love it but that's not the case & lying to yourself only throws you into a deeper whole. Art & Design [ specifically graphic design because that's what I was doing ] is a course that demands a hell of a lot of your time and patience, you need to literally BREATHE the subject if you're going to really excel in it, have dreams about it at night and allsorts cause it needs to be IN you...& i'm just not like that about it at all [ It took me going up to a Nottingham Trent University open day to realize this ].

- So from there I thought....omdz... I actually have a serious problem cause I've just realized I don't want to do Graphic design anymore...but then I had a talk with Hope & she asked me what I'm passionate about and what I see myself doing, at that moment I looked over at my piano and I said...."this....". Then we ended up launching into like an hours discussion about me changing my whole career aspects and what it is I want to do with my life & the goals that would be necessary for me to reach in order for me to get there. This was about...a month ago or so and at the time everything she was saying looked damn near impossible...so I was still stuck.

- 2 weeks later and after seeking council from a lot of the loved ones in my life, I decided to go for it. Now a month later here I am, sending off my application form to take my grade exams in Piano & vocal, filling out my UCAS on my own, finding references and reviewing how the hell I'm gonna structure my personal statement. Part of a brand new choir [ The shebach choir, performing in Nottingham on the 12th of Dec ], Getting CONSTANT links into the gospel industry through my girl Mabel a.k.a May [ if you don't know her, get to know her, shes a dime ] & last night I think was one of the most amazing nights I've had in a long time. Nothing special happened, but May took me to her youth church she usually sings at [ where I was really really blessed so to speak ] & I met so many amazing people who are in love with this side of the creative arts too. I met actors, dancers, spoken word artists, singers, songwriters & musicians and I was just absolutely blown away by them, the fact that I fit right in shifted something in me.

I'm now involved in a hell of a lot of projects & workshops that I'm gonna be constantly in from now till September, I'm still always in training especially cause I'm quite new to this...I came up with the "Butterflies on the cross" thing because of my new-ness. See, May calls those who are up and coming " Butterflies" so I was branded as a butterfly yesterday & the cross thing signifies in my life that everything I'm doing I'm doing it for my God, because I owe it all up to him. I wouldn't even be where I am today if not for him. I've been so ill for the past month or so but in the midst of all that I've somehow found the strength to not STAY down, realize my dreams ARE in reach and make the necessary movements & set the necessary goals to reach them.

[ Also, I just want to make it clear. I do not repeat DO NOT want to be in the mainstream music industry. Oh no. The industry is a HOT MESS and I would never ever place myself in the midst of all that. I know where I'm going and I know what I want to be. I'm just doing what I need to do in order to get there ]

I'm currently working towards taking my grade 6 Piano exam and my grade 8 vocal exam, I'm scared as hell but I know I can do it if I focus.

I'm gonna be part of a bunch of courses from January, all contributing towards my training in the necessary areas, so my foundation year has to go.

My weeks are very busy, and my schedule is always full but I love it that way. I love it because it's productive AND I'm enjoying it, it's what I'm passionate about. I never ever in a million years thought I would get to where I am now...I have a life. A life that's mine and no one else's, A life where it's just me & God & where I no longer care about silly things like having a boyfriend or unnecessary friends, I'm trying to keep it relevant, I can thankfully say I'm on a "Wasteman get behind thee" movement [ courtesy of Kanika Ess ] & I can hold my own for as long as I need to.

As the year is almost over, I realize just how far I've come in the space of 12 months. I'm almost 20 & I've finally got me back. I know there's still a lot I need to learn, still so much more I need to grow and my road is still long, but I can get there, I know I can... no BODY can ever try tell me otherwise.

Have a good night all

xoxo