A bit of randomity is always good.

We live in a world, where everybody can be themselves

Yet people choose to live the lives of someone else

Fake names, fake image, real games & real lies

They don't realize that eventually...the game gets old.

The mask wears down, the truth comes out

So what're you left with ?

You can't pretend forever

Eventually who you are starts breaking out

Your personality starts to show, before you know it there you are...

& when the day comes, how do you explain ?

What reason do you have for acting this way ?

As for me...I choose to be me

Sit in the beauty of who I am

Show myself off & the way my God created me

Flaws & all, truths and all my mistakes

Living my life for you, for me, so we know

That there's no one out there who can do me better than me

The same way no one can be you better than you

So why would you try & be somebody else ?

& put yourself in a position where you're stripped down

Watered down, empty & without shape

So if you're not you, then who are you ?

As for me, I'm me...I'm as me as they come.

- Pookie.

I was singing to no particular beat, melody or anything & then this happened and I wrote down what I could remember... yes, I know it has no solid flow nor does it make much sense but it's a work in progress. The first time I got it down on paper it was actually much messier than this & a whole lot longer but I'm working on it...it's not lyrics or a poem...I don't even know what to call it, but eventually I'll turn it into something anyway.

xoxo

Merry Christmas everyone <3

I didn't wanna be cliche' & post the picture of a tree, so ya know.

Anyway merry christmas to everyone, hope you all had an amazing day :o)

Being the birthday girl [yesss my birthday is on christmas day *throws my neeky glasses on that I teefed from the cinema when I went to see Avatar 3D* so I did infact have a good day today...I can't post any pics due to the fact that I can't find my USB link for my camera...hard times...but I'm sure theres 1 or 20 pics of me on facebook of me SLIPPIN' in my pyjama's again.

Love all my readers, even you silent ones <3

xoxo

I'm good.

Tonight me & my girl skipped down memory lane, but this time down my memories.

Every now and then we have a lil session like this, where we just sit back & laugh about our past stupidness & embarrassing behaviours but today we talked about something that had originally caused me pain.

I can say for the most part that I am extremely happy that I was able to laugh about it. This is a situation that for the longest while I'd refrained from talking about or mentioning with anyone nor had I ever gotten as deep into the memories as I did tonight. However today I went...well...almost all out [I say almost because we're tired now & need to sleep] so we had to cut it short at a certain point... but I had so much fun.

It was silly lol, and it was good to laugh about how silly I've been in the past when it came to my actions and my state of mind. I was nowhere near as angelic as I made out or people thought I was, I wasn't thinking or as wise as I thought I was at the time...& the way I seriously went all out...it was quite hilarious, so for the past hour it's just been pure giggles and "oh my gosh's" at my own stupidity.

The point of this whole blog is...I thought that in this situation I'd never be at a place where I could laugh about it the way I did tonight and it means a lot to be. Even though at the time I thought that it'd be too delicate for me to ever talk about as well as me thinking that I wouldn't ever be able to get over it, tonight proved me wrong. I was touching on areas I thought I'd long dusted under the rug or forced myself to forget, I was laughing about things that would've any other time brought tears to my eyes, all this shows me just how far I've come...because I don't hurt anymore even though the situation was so painful.

Fair enough, I still struggle for peace of mind sometimes, it's a shame how things turned out and there were certain parts that I seriously could've avoided but at the end of the day...now I'm laughing...and I'm glad.

I also wanted to use this as a time to encourage someone who's going through their own hurts and probably don't think they'll ever be able to come out of it & laugh about it. Trust me when I say you will, it may take a while...you'll cry a lot and for a while you'll be a brick but trust me, eventually when a person is fully able to let go of something & move on despite the outcome of a situation, eventually it falls into the category of things that are just the past. We're all human, we're all hurt, but as long as we're still standing we can move on.

Sending all my love

-xoxo

More Changes.

What's goodie ?

So today, I thought of a few changes that need to be made in my life. & no. I'm not on this "2010 I'm gonna start doin this & this" business, my changes are gonna start from now.

I had a lot of fun with my hair today, so I decided for about a year or so I'm gonna keep it short, I'm in no rush to grow it out at all plus it suits the look I'm goin' for...so no more braids of weave for a looooong time.

I've also decided to get three more piercings. This was inspired by the fact that the back of my top piercing closed up today & I'm too chicken to push through the covered skin with the stud on my own...I mean...that CAN'T be safe can it ? *shudders thinking about it* no no no no no. I decided I was gonna take my ass to Claire's tomorrow and see what I can do about it...& while I'm at it why not get three more ? This will mean in total I have about...8 ? Yes some family members may have a stroke seeing THAT and YES I am crazy for piercing the other side of the top of my ear knowing how much it KILLED last time...but who cares ? Once it heals it'll look great. Plus I don't plan on piercing anywhere on my face...belly button or anything...so I just want to enjoy this alright ?! *Rolls my eyes at the thought of family reactions* Cheeyz man it's not like it's my nipple or anything.

I've also decided I'm gonna push out a few more people from my life. Making the decision to switch from Art to music and seeing who supported me through it really made me realize who my friends are, those who believe in my dreams and those who think I'm wasting my time...at least now I know who I value and who believes in me.

Better yet still, I've discovered, if not for the fact that it's so cold outside, that I LOVE to be outside. Of course, I'm not a "road gyal", I won't be outside aimlessly doing nothing...but I like going places, I love to be busy. I've realized when I sit at home and I'm not doing much [if I'm not practicing] I get irritated...I need to be OUT somewhere doing something productive. Sure enough every once in a while you need the day to just relax and be you in your pjamz watching cartoons & eating things that'll spoil you from the inside out...but I just love it when I come home late and I'm too tired to do anything else and then just sleep, it's awesome times cause I know I'm one step closer to where I need to be. So I've decided to throw myself into a bunch of things that'll keep my weekdays as full as ever, now that I'm on a gap year I can pretty much do whatever I want...so I'm gonna use that time to better myself.

Finally, I'm considering going to America for uni...it's been pushed in my face so I figure I should take it right ? It's a big risk and a big change but it could also bring great things. It would mean a fresh start...which I know I need...it would mean a clean slate, not that I have anything to run from but it would be a "forward ever" kinda thing...I dunno, I just see big opportunities. Plus as a musician it would be great for me to really flourish properly there would it not ? I know I need to step my game waaay up before then, but still thinking of how much I could learn, grow and enjoy myself over there just makes me want to be there more and more. The only thing holding me back is that I wouldn't want to miss out on anything here, but as it stands right now there isn't anything I would be SERIOUSLY leaving behind that I wouldn't be able to start again once I get there sooo.....SAT exams ? Yes ?

All these thoughts were inspired by the fact that I went to get new glasses today, my eyes are getting better so they gave me a different prescription & I got to pick new glasses :o)

Till next time

xoxo

P.S - I'm back on Twitter...I dunno how the hell this happened but find me here

-xo

Great day, thoughtful evening.

Hey all, I'll start off first by saying I had an amazing day today. Went up to Nottingham & performed with my choir at the SDA church. Was it an amazing performance ? Best believe mate. Soprano's we're doin this as usual [dun know], alto's sounded amazing, tenors were on this...altogether it was great & we did what we were supposed to do anyway which was glorify God. Despite the few dirty stares from the old ladies due to our clapping, dancing and raising of hands, it was a really good night. I had a hell of a lot of fun, will definitely post pics tomorrow.

So, the reason I chose to write this blog was because I was reading one of my girl's one that she made to vent her feelings and frustrations prior to her recent breakup & I've never seen her get so bare and real in all the time I've known her. She was actually very open and honest with herself and those who may come across it [this is actually one of the best ways to deal with a breakup as lying to yourself never gets you anywhere & the hurt only digs itself in deeper] and I think she was being very brave in doing so. This then set me back to thinking about my own...well the closest thing I've ever had to a break up, it reminded me of one of my favourite lines from Sara Bareilles - Between the lines [yeah we all know I'm a fan] and it goes:

"I tell myself, all the words he surely meant to say

I'll talk until, the conversation doesn't stay on

'Wait for me I'm almost ready'...when he meant let go"

It's the last line exactly that used to hit the hardest. This is due to the simple fact that people make it a habbit of leading other people on and I'm just like...why ? what exactly are you getting out of it ? All you're really doing is giving yourself unnecessary headache plus stress AND setting the other party involved up for some serious heartbreak. If you don't love someone, why say it ? If you fall OUT of love with someone why don't you tell them ? I mean why play games ? Thing is, it makes things a hell of a lot easier to be honest, it really does, it may not look that way at the time but it makes it a million times worse when you get FOUND OUT than when you come clean. You aren't going to die after telling the truth neither will the other party involved, but at least then you can walk away knowing you were honest.

To this day I really don't understand it, it's ridiculous...I've seen this happen to so...SO many people time and time again & it's just so...soo UNNECESSARY. If you know someone likes you a hell of a lot more than you like them & you're not on it then you give it to them straight then you bounce, simple as. People will argue with me that it's not that easy but it honestly really is, unless you really didn't care in the first place...in that case you're just clearly on a madness.

It puts you in a painful place to know that you loved someone with everything you had yet they never loved you in the first place, but what's worse is that they pretended like they did.

In my opinion now, a person should only allow themselves to fall in love with someone ONCE. Falling in love more than one time aint what they make it look like in films. Because at the end of the day when you love someone that you have no real future with you completely disregard the fact that one day you guys are going to break up & after you've finished making that person your everything & giving them your heart...when they leave you're left with all this pain & a piece of your heart missing that you will never get back. I know people say "you can't help who you fall in love with" and believe me I know...but I beg you be smart about the decision, no one should give their heart to anyone unless they know for a damn fact what they're doing...there is NOTHING wrong with playing hard to get or keeping your guard up, because it's when a person is willing to take away the shield and be like "Look, I'm here, I aint goin' nowhere so you might as well drop this nonsense & let me have you" that you know they're the real deal.

I know this blog probably makes little sense, & it's a bit random...but my hand has been on my chin a lot this evening...so I thought I'd share, even though it sounds more like a rant lol.

-xoxo