November update

So what gives me joke is the fact that one of my eyebrows is perfect and the other looks like it got hacked by a blind man.

Never again will I get my eyebrows threaded in ealing.

Is it ever really worth the risk ?

So, yet again Christiana has written yet another inspiring blog post about "How to get over someone" and of course she had me doin' my "church nod" and "harmony hands" but she also got me thinking.
She raised a lot of good points about the time period it takes to get over someone, how everyone heals in their own time and how you just have to get on with it rather than thinking you should be over it too early on then getting frustrated when you're not [relapses are not the one].
However.
One point she had stuck with me and made me think. She basically said that when we're over it and we've dusted off our shoulders, we vow to never love again as hard and as wrecklessly as we did but as soon as the next mr smooth comes along all of that flies away like the wind. We find ourselves taking the risk and most of the time allowing ourselves to fall in love knowing that it could ever make us to break us, and I'm thinking... mate... is it really worth the risk ? Because more often than not, it's not.
See, I think it's foolishness to get into a relationship and give your all knowing full well it may not be permanant, but then at the same time if you never take the risk to fall in love with someone, how will you ever know if they're yours ?
It's all just so messy, because at the same time no one wants to be the bag lady who keeps all her walls up and refuses to love a perfectly good man properly because of the mistakes of the last fool, the problem is though how can we be damn sure that the person we're with is gonna bring us undeniable happiness ? things are ALWAYS rosy and beautiful in the beginning, but how do we know that's going to last ?
This is my problem.
I don't want to give myself away to someone who's on some dr jekyll mr hyde garbage and in the end I'm left with someone else havin' a piece of my heart in their pocket, it's not even that time of day out here. But I also don't want to miss out on someone special because of my fear of getting hurt and being left with nothing, it's all so beautiful to want to love with your all and really drown in the love of someone else, so what are we to do ? For someone like me who's single, this is torture, because you're forever scared, cautious and wondering. If a man is playing games it all eventually comes out on it's own, but the games always come out just when you're starting to get a 'lil excited and giggly about someone, there's only so many times you can take this happening before you decide to snap.
My whole thing is, not to put all my eggs in one basket until I see a ring, but sometimes even when you see a ring a whole lot of mess can still happen. All in all, you're always going to be hurt by the one you love, always, even when you're married, I think we just have to try and make sure we're being hurt by the right person and not permanantly damaged by the wrong one.

- xoxo

Neglect.

I'm so so sorry that I haven't been blogging for the LONGEST time. Best believe, my life has been crazy since I last dropped anything.
Family issues, school issues, issues EVERYWHERE.
I'm moving out on the 18th and I'm trying to be positive about the type of people I'm possibly going to meet, Lord knows my last halls experience wasn't the best. 
I'm overly excited about my course, I'm a lil' scared due to my lack of skill but I'm going there to learn right ? I'm looking forward to what I'm about to dive into anyway.
Also, I've decided to move away next year, but I'll discuss that more once I look into it.
My life right now is crazy, and no I'm not in a good place, but I'm trying.
The little things keep me smiling everyday, so as long as I'm still breathing I guess I'm taking each day one step at a time.


Oh. I also went to Houston, Tx and let me tell you the experience I had was enough to make me want to never go back ever again. It's not that I don't like Houston, the people are lovely and I've met some good people out there... but my auntie...well... boi...


Anyway, I'll make more of a conscious effort to post more, even though I'm on tumblr more something about blogspot makes me like <33333333


My hair's growing :o)


xo

Ramblings & RANT. [reblogged from my tumblr account]

It's been one HELL of a long time, so I thought I'd give you guys some lovely insight as to what's vexing me at this particular point in time.


Man.
Today was NOT ON. It was such a BEAUTIFUL day outside, absolutely gorrrrrrrrrgeous...
and I stayed in.
Can you believe it, I.stayed.in. :|


:|


Now it's not like I'm some HOODRAT child who roams on road for no apparent reason, no that's not nor has it ever been me. But I've been hyping about a day like today was for soooooooo long, ever since winter came along & was making me CONSTANTLY sick I've been waiting patiently for summer. I vowed once it was here I would enjoy and be out almost EVERYDAY that it was hot. 


But today I stayed in.


My "friends" are so ghey. NO ONE wanted to do anything. Best believe I was READY. As soon as I came out of the shower, my playsuit was just looking at me like "wear me" & I was soooo on it, but there was nowhere to go :o(

Someone suggested I go to the park and write, which was great... but then I remembered there are too many insects and I'm not on any of them "accidentally" flying into my mouth.
Then someone suggested I take a stroll, but that wasn't good enough because I wanted to be out and stay out until evening breeze came.
Then someone was like "Why don't you go hyde park?" and I almost keeled over. Hyde park ? Please. The amount of goons and waste cadets that pack themselves into hyde park during the summer, no thanks, it's just an excuse for idiots to vex my life. 
So instead I spent the day on the piano, singing and disturbing my little sister - which I guess was fun, but not productive enough for me or in anyway as edifying as I would've liked. Jam session ? Yes please.


After talking to my friend, I established that I need brand new people in my life. I need, not necessarily people that'll overwhelm me with extreme intelligence and music genius, oh no. I just need people who are jokes enough to make me blow snot bubbles on a regular.


Random: Snot bubbles are MY thing. I don't blow them, I haven't done so since I was like 10, but like, it's what I'll say when I'm trying to emphasize how funny something is/isn't/should be.


I was reading a blog by this lady the other day, and she was talking about how she doesn't go raving much because of how people behave all up in the club [bare unnecessary touching] and how she prefers when people get together and dance OLD SCHOOL. & I couldn't agree with her more ! Call me old fashioned, but all the whinin & grindin business with someone that aint your man/you've never met has never ever been my thing. Nowadays no one barely wants to break into a simple skank & just shack out together, everyone's either on daggering or all that mad foolishness that's just a waste of my time. I'm not stuck up, I just would prefer if some fool weren't all rubbin' up on me when I'm simply tryna enjoy my night out. Old school dances and things like the "cha cha slide" or "cupids shuffle" may be a lil' too much, but thats my idea of just crackin' pure joke on the dance flo' unless it's for joke with friends. Standard. 


Raving is dead out and over rated anyway.


WHERE ARE ALL THE LIKE MINDS ?!
In general as I've expressed before, I need for something NEW to happen in my life.
I need big big BIG change.
I need to get in with people who share similar interests, goals and aren't afraid to break into damb song & dance in public when they know they're CHOON is playin in the store or wherever they're at like YES. Random, silly, unnecessary moments are MY KIND OF MOMENTS ALL THE TIME <3


I mean, I went on a date the other day & all I can say is :|.
Without slagging this person off, I'll say, I could've had a better time by my self.My idea of a perfect date real talk is, I don't mind where you take me be it to the cinema, out to eat, somewhere random that I'd never usually go I don't mind, as long as you can get me to be comfortable, have fun & laugh a hell of a lot I'm SOLD. Spending unnecessary money to go somewhere flashy won't make me bat an eyelid. Lots of talking + stitches + food + comfortableness = perfection !
This is not what I got the other day.


Plus, it looks like for the next FOUR [yes not three, four] years I'm gonna be at uni.
This is not what I had planned at ALL. I wanted to be done by three years tops, but this is evidently not going to be the case. 


*sigh* my life.
But I thank God, because I don't have any hardcore problems, I'm relatively the healthiest I've been in a long time, I'm going on holiday soon AND I've gotten into the uni I wanted... maybe the long way but I still got in.


All this *points upwards*... all this is just all so very annoying.
I need to do another self evaluation and re-organize my priorities, plus I need a plan of action, because the way things are right now aren't exactly cutting the cheese. 
That is all.
xo

Black Birdie.

http://blackbirdieblogs.blogspot.com/


This blog, is the hugest dose of reality I've gotten in a long time. The always lovely Christiana posted up the link on twitter to the blog, apparently the author is bipolar, so this blog is a look into her mind.
It's things like these that make me remember, life is so much bigger than me. But my life is mine.


God bless her man, I really applaud her for being able to be so honest & real about her feelings.


xoxo

Ramblings.

The other day I had a gig with my choir "The shabach singers". It was the second one this month actually & I overly enjoyed myself on both occasions.
However, upon being back and having had fun at both gigs, my mind, as always, is left in a state of mess.
The first issue comes from the fact that all of last week and a little bit of the week before, I was crushing on someone... as in my mind was not successfully able to just STAY on me - I really didn't like this, but I knew it'd pass. Now that it's over, the side of me that wants to fall in love, has woken up, and it's wrestling with the part of me that doesn't.


Problem.


I still have such a long way to go, this setback of "I wanna fall in love" isn't doin' it for me. At all. I know I'll be over it in a few days, but the fact that I feel like this right now is gettin' to me. I know all the reasons why I need to be single right now, and these reasons are enough for me to stay single until someone worth my time comes along. Until this event happens, I'm desperate to keep chasing my dreams, keep my eyes on God & continue to love and get to know myself, I don't have time for no foolishness.


Next issue. After an interesting conversation with my friend tonight, my mind was thrown back into my past. I was reminded of how naive I was three years ago and how I reaped the consequences of this naivety for over a year afterwards. Every lady has her own moments of weakness and mine happened to come in the form of a man. I cared about him way too much and never gave a second thought on how to consider myself first. I didn't love myself enough to say no, but I loved him enough to say yes... to everything. I feel no bitterness, because what almost diminished who I was completely has made me bloom and I only went upwards from there. When you hide behind the pretense of being someone else, you never really discover who "you" is, you never really learn what's great about you so that other's can learn it too. I don't have any regrets, because once the pain was over I was left with valuable lessons that I wouldn't have learned any other way. Instead, I'm left with a few questions and a whole lot of memories... some of the memories good, some bad, but they all contribute to make me and my experiences. I'm free of it, and that's where I aimed to get to.


Sometimes though I can't help but wonder. I can't help but wonder about the face behind all my pain, I wonder if they stayed the same or if they tried to do better too.


You know it's nights like these, I'm glad I have antihistamines because I know when I wake up in the morning I won't give a damn about any of this.


xoxo 

Cheeyz.

Go read my tumblr blog, I think I like that one more than I like this one.

I recommend all of you to get on that, it doesn't provide nearly half as many problems as blogspot does.

www.natureal-music.tumblr.com

I ramble a 'lil but more on there.. but it's more me.

Love you guys

xoxo

Am I shallow/Asked out/Cindy says/I want your input.

Alright so, for those of you who don't know, Cindy a.k.a Cynthia is my best friend. She has been since year 10, she's the jack daniel to my ribs, the cotton to my candy, the sock to my sockS.
So.
Next wednesday I have a date, and I was tellin' her about it on the phone today. I was ranting on and on to her about how I suspect that one of the reasons this guy asked me was because he liked me which already puts us on different pages because I'm going because I want to get to know him [he seems so lovely so far] and in hopes that I can get a really good friend in this time [as mentioned before, single and happy]. So I continued to tell her how I don't mind going on this date but I'm going for different reasons to him & how I don't even know him well enough to know if I like him as a person and blah blah blah.
She then proceeded to tell me to shut up and that if I look at the bigger picture I should realize he's asked me out with him because he wants to get to know ME too and see if I have the qualities to become a great friend, NOT because he wants to slyly put his arm up my skirt in the dark or nothin' and I should realize the type of guy I'm dealing with.
I agreed.
She then just told me to see how everything flows and then after a few more conversations and time well spent at the cinema and when I see him around, I can then begin to assess. After some more small talk about the situation she goes to me. "Anyways, knowing you he would remain just friends with you anyway because you won't allow it to progress." I was like "what...SORRY ?!" because I knew what she was implying. She was touching on the string that she believes is my unshakeable shallowness.
I straight away began to argue my case, I was like "I'm sorry, but you can't be tryna call me shallow after you've SEEN the type of males I have gone for in the past, don't even try it my friend". I launched a full scale attack about how in the past I've gone for some males who have CLEARLY not been my type without giving a damn, so she can't tell me I won't let it progress because of things like how he looks, that the only time I got someone who was beautifulized in my books was the last time.
She stopped me by the time I got to that part and was like "YES ma. The last one was the one that has set the standard for what you will and will not allow now. Ever since him you've made it so that you've set your eyes on your type and if they're not your type then they'll only ever sit in the friend box. This guy [the guy I'm going out with on wednesday] isn't your type, so you'll be more reluctant to let it progress than if he was so don't even try argue".
I was almost stunned into silence. ALMOST. A part of me knew she was right.
I know what my type is... tall [above 6ft please], teddy bear-ish type build [basically the body type that means every time you go to hug them, you're receiving a bear hug], adorable in face, a lil "nerd-like" in dress sense [when I say nerd-like I mean Pharell type nerd], clean looking, nice facial hair and all that good stuff. I know I love a loud personality, a creative mind [preferably a music one too, but this is not a must] and someone who's not afraid to be different i.e break into song and dance with me in the middle of westfield and feel NO shame about it.
That kinda sums up my type, I hope I painted some nice pictures in your mind.
I know that if someone who were my type was to approach me, have a few conversations with me and ask me out to get to know me and enjoy my company, whether or not it would progress in future would definitely cross my mind more than once... now I'm not saying it would be the main focus but I wouldn't mind the thought because they check a lot of my boxes.
Someone who isn't my type may have to work a lil bit harder if they want to move into the "my future" category. That's just me being real. I don't like to think of myself as a shallow person, I'm not the type to completely shun a guy if he doesn't look or act the way I like, I'll always ALWAYS give them a chance and I'll always be friendly... it's just a bit harder for me to think about them moving into the future box if I feel like I'm not compatible with them in many areas. This more touches on the personality aspect rather than the looks aspect... I mean... I can't be there actin' a fool and you're jus' lookin at me smilin, no you need to JOIN IN. Compatibility is important to me and always has been, but the whole point of this blog post is to highlight the fact that in my mind I'm so set on "I just wanna get to know him as a friend, forget that other side first" whereas I know if the guy ticked the majority of boxes of my 'type' there would be a lot of "imagine if's" and "maybe's" running through my mind.
Can you imagine.
And I know I aint the only one.
I know after a while, especially as I mature, 'type' will begin to matter less and less and just how well I get on with them and how much of a great person they are to me will begin to matter more. This is something I know I need to aim at working on changing and I think the same goes for everyone.


But, does having a type make me shallow ? I mean... everyone has a type, it's not wrong is it ? Everyone has what they think their ideal husband or boyfriend will be like in their mind.... but I know this is something I need to do away with and throw in the bin.
Realistically, as a woman grows older her type begins to change and she begins to discover what she really wants in a man... being 20 I'm still quite young so maybe it'll change I dunno...


Thoughts please, tell me if I'm dead ass wrong or if I'm right in having a set type of man and holding the standard ! I've seen many women coming from both side saying things like "It's things like having a 'type' that'll stop you from truly being happy" and I've seen others say things such as "Know what you want in a man and don't settle for less, when you see what you want GRAB IT, aint nothin' wrong with havin' a type and stickin' to it to get the man you want".


I'd love to know what you guys think !


xoxo

Just one day [unfinished]

"Can I get a day in your life ?

Where for a moment your story and mine

are the same.

I'd take on the role of your best friend, maybe even

your girl.

Your life and mine would become our lives,

I'll be that part of you that's female.

Forever your partner in crime, so let me know the day that I

can walk in."

- Keez a.k.a Pookie.

xoxo

One of my favourite songs at the moment.

Alicia keys - Unthinkable (written by Drake)




This song touches nerves... especially the first verse. I love it.


"Moment of Honesty
Someone's gotta take the lead tonight
Who's it gonna be ?
I'm gonna sit right her and
Tell you all that comes to me
If you have somethin' to say, you should say it right now"


Speak to me.


xoxo


P.S - My own cover coming soon.

20 Random Facts About Me. [ +2 ]

1. I have sickle cell anaemia. This never really was a serious problem for me until I turned 18, life started stressing me out and stuff. There came a point where I was at hospital once a week but I'm slowly learning to manage it. It's painful, it's annoying and I hate the amount of pills I have to pop every day but other than that it doesn't bother me too much. Don't know what it is ? Look it up :o)

2. I love food. I am the definition of an undercover fat fat fatty, the only reason I don't really put on serious weight is because the sickle cell doesn't allow me to. I'll eat anything and I mean aaaaaaaaanything as long as it tastes good, try me. I especially love sweet things like candy, cake etc etc, I won't drink anything unless it tastes sweet [except water, I love water] especially with alcoholic drinks... yuck. I'm sorry I don't understand how people can enjoy the taste of things like vodka and wine and all that hooha.

3. I play 2 instruments, the acoustic guitar and the piano; I only started learning to play the piano last year and the acoustic guitar in January. Very soon the base guitar is going to join up the list.

4. As you've probably read if you're a loyal reader, I love me. I am always going to come before you :o) Don't be shocked, this should be the case for everybody, if you love yourself enough it's harder for idiots to step on you.

5. I'm a believer in Jesus Christ, full blown, so don't be surprised by my random outbursts of my love for him in my posts. I'm not an unreasonable person and I'm very respective of the beliefs of other people, so if you don't trash my beliefs, I'll say nothing on your own unless asked.

6. I'm single and I love it. I'm surprised because last year you couldn't have paid me enough money to say this but it's surprisingly now the truth... I'm very happy with where I am right now and my plans for my life, finding out who I am and taking this journey to become a better me... I don't need anyone to hold my hand along the way just now.

7. I love being outside. I mean, unless I'm practicing or there's stuff I need to be doin' then what am I doing at home ? Long walks and places to go are my thing [ Except it's winter... during the winter you'll NEVVVVVVER catch me outside unless I have to be, it's cold and depressing..allow. ]

8. I've got a very childish personality. I love cartoons, teddy bears bring plenty of excitement and such things. If I saw a spongebob duvet and a well designed one in the same store, I'd probably end up buying the spongebob one.

9. I hate the conceited... but you probably already know this. All I ask is that you have brains and character to back up your good looks, it's not hard is it ?

10. I hate eggs... and fish. Whoever had the idea of eating such things was obviously gassed upon gassed.

11. Man... I love music, but this should be OBVIOUS by now. Music is just...YES. 

12. I have confidence issues when it comes to singing. At home, I'll sound fine but when I get outside oooh Lord. I'll get over it though, and when I do I'll let you know :o)

13. I used to keep a diary... I think it's wise for everybody to do so you know, because trust me when you look back oh my goodness the JOKES.

14. I struggle with patience... I mean, if something can be done as quickly as possibly why just not DO IT ? why LONG OUT THE PROCESS ?

15. I've been in love before, it really is a beautiful thing if it's right but my story was just SO wrong.

16. When I was 6 years old I was hit by a car in the face, landed on my leg and broke it. I couldn't walk for like 3 months, couldn't run for 6. It completely re-arranged my face and my teeth and for the longest while I was so insecure because of it. When everything healed over I still had the mentality I had back then... however, now I think I'm quite beautifulized :o) 

17. One of my legs is shorter than the other due to said accident, but you will NEVER notice it plus I think it's cool, so shame.

18. I am a GREAT listener... yes I said GREAT. People used to take advantage of this in the past, but being repeatedly taken for an idiot has taught me when and when not to tune out.

19. Writing is my 3rd love next to Music. I write in a very conversational way [the same as when I sing] which may seem a bit weird to other people, but hey.

20. I'm a full blown Nigerian girl. Born and raised in the UK but I'll always scream for Nigeria first before the UK.

21. I love to cook when I'm bothered, however I don't want to be one of those girls that ONLY knows how to cook African food, I want to learn to cook everything from Spanish food to Indian food, I think it'll be great plus it'll give me great variety. So, if anyone's willing to send me a cook book, I'll be more than happy to accept.

<3

xoxo 

Curl Obsession ?

Isn't she gorgeous ???
I love her side fro-hawk kinda thing....but that's not the point.


I was reading a post on the "Black girl long hair" blog where a girl pointed out that people nowadays are far too obsessed with curl pattern, then she asked who agreed with her. Several did, several didn't.
I until then hadn't thought about this issue. At all
For those who don't know what I'm on about, every black girl who's hair is unrelaxed has a curl pattern, usually you'll find this curl pattern for black women ranges between loose jeri curl type curls and kinkier than kinky kinks with barely any type of curls just a lot of "z's" in their hair. 
At the time when I decided to go natural, I wasn't really thinkin' about what my curl pattern would look like, I had hoped at the time it would come out as bouncy, defined curls but then when I saw my mama take out her weave and wash her hair I saw her Z curl pattern and assumed that was what mine would be like too [it was beautiful though, and very soft...bless her and her few grey strands]. I had then decided that if I wanted a curly look in my hair I would just use twist outs or whatever product would help me get more of what some people call "mixed girl curl".
However, once my hair actually started to grow out [pictures/video up soon] I noticed my hair weren't like hers. My hair has loose wavy curls at the front, its more tightly curled at the back but at the sides it might as well be straight and it might as well be more Z-ish like my mama...so I'm dealin' with like 3 different textures. I then noticed that until I had realized what my natural curl pattern was and thought it was gonna be a Z pattern, I immediately started thinking about ways I could define my curls more, give myself some curl pattern and get the mixed girl curl I was looking for; that was my main concern and I completely forget about my love for big kinky fro's in the first place. 
After much deliberation, I decided that the girl who made the comment was right. On youtube I see countless videos of women who will spend up to almost 40 dollars on ONE product to give them some curl pattern then turn around and tell a somebody "Dude, I'll never ever spend so much money on weave ever again pschhhh I'm free from the creamy crack [hair relaxer] burnin' out my money bla bla bla" when at the end of the day, they're spending almost just as much on product to give themselves some curl that they don't have.
What's wrong with kinky hair ? It's ours, we should embrace it. If your hair does not have springy bouncy curls or doesn't curl up the way you want it to then don't force or manipulate your hair too much by spending a crazy amount of money, countless hours and develop "curl envy" because you don't have it. Embrace them Z curls, they're beautiful too ! I went on ONE product haul to find out what works good for my hair, now I know the things I'm probably gonna be using for the rest of my life [unless I come across some of the ones I've been feenin for in the states i.e carols daughter products]. I was mad enough to buy "Kinky curly curling custard" because I was recommended it by a friend however I haven't tried it yet, I want a bit more length first... however I know that unless I have careless money, I won't be buying it again & I'll use something else [probably Ecostyler] as an alternative... you can't beat that price dude.
Another issue that was brought to my attention is that apparently some feel that women who are carrying natural hair feel they are better than women that aren't e.g women that wear weaves, braids, relaxers, texturizes etc etc. This needs to stop.
Being natural is a PERSONAL choice. I have seen some women with relaxed hair that are SO beautiful, I've seen some women carry texturized hair like it's gold. I was in so much danger of falling into this category of "If your hair aint relaxed then your hair aint on point' when it's not even that time of day at all. If a woman chooses to relax her hair then it's her personal decision, no one aint got to push her into it and she shouldn't be looked down on for it either because 99.9% of us who decided to stop using it were all natural before... so shame. That being said, nobody should try push anybody who's trying to go natural into NOT doing it either, discouragement is a big no-no; as said in Bambi "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all" SIMPLE AS.


That being said...men who are relaxing their hair...please...put it down slowly.


For the record: I don't want to put down women who DO do twist outs, use curling custards, IC's, Buttercreme's and hair puddings to define curl. I'm just saying it shouldn't be done in an overboard manner neither should one feel insecure when they're forced to rock their kinky afro's. Curly hair is beautiful in ALL it's forms. This whole curl seperation 4a 3b 2c whatever nonsense is even the cause of problems in the first place because it further problems. Hair is beautiful as hair is...so sometimes let your hair breath and embrace your bad hair days.

That is all


xoxo


P.s - for those of you out there who say that curly hair is not natural hair...you're not serious.

My blog post set aside for my maker.

For those of you who aren't aware, I'm a christian. I'm in church every sunday, I sing in not one but two choirs, I read my bible every day, I am a big lover of gospel music and I commit just about everything I do to God. This doesn't make me radical, this makes me a woman after God's own heart.
I just wanted to take this time to write this blog post to thank God for how awesome he is, for those of you who are reading this and you aren't christian, or you don't believe in such things therefore don't want to read...by all means don't. I'm not forcing anyone to read this, infact [at the risk of sounding like the hoodrat children you find in places like facepic] the [x] is right there at the top of the page...click it and be on your way if the idea of me speaking about God detests you so much...but otherwise feel free to read.
It's not even like anything spectacular has happened in my life right now, I'm in the same place I was yesterday, at the risk of tomorrow being the worse day of my life...I just want proudly declare how amazing God is just because of who he is... how much he's done for me, the way he's kept me...the way he's helped me find myself more and more each day. It's not even feeling like I'm having this big burst of happiness either, I just finished reading Kanika's blog and her blog post just made me feel this...insane love for God because of where I am, where I'm going and the fact that he's the reason for all of it.
When I think about my life, my WHOLE life, from my family issues to the car accident to the whole of my primary school/high school experience and every other big or small thing that has somehow effected me in life...& then I think about where I am now, I'm in such awe of where he's brought me too.
What inspired me to write this is just me thinking about how much I love myself now, how he showed me how to love myself and showed me how to really be comfortable in who I am, which is something I didn't really know how to do before. I'd thought in such a negative way about myself all my life, never ever thought I could become anything and after the accident left me looking like a gremlin between the ages of 7 to 17 I didn't even know how to call myself pretty. I never ever aimed for anything that I felt I couldn't reach and I gave up at the first sign of a challenge...this just became who I was and became fixed into my mind for the longest time, I called myself "average" for years and everybody who knew me knew this is what I thought of myself.
Even when I fell in love, my perceptions about myself didn't change. People around me would always tell me what they felt but of course as you all know change starts in the mind and I wasn't allowing myself to change....I almost felt guilty if I ever allowed myself to think well of who I was or how I looked so I stayed negative. I'd also for a long time had the perception that when you fall in love with someone they need to come and "complete" you when this is not the case. So in late 2007 I laid pretty much all of who I was on one soul who didn't even know how to handle their own properly...at the time I didn't know this, not the real depths of it until the middle of '08 and even when it did begin to show I didn't care because I thought we could "fix each other" but how can you try and fix somebody when you're broken yourself ? Who I was was a complete mess. I was deeply insecure, depressed for many reasons one of them being I didn't know what I wanted for my life, my LACK of a life, realizing I was slowly loosing who I formerly knew as myself and I had absolutely nothing going for me; I hated my course at college but was in denial about hating it plus the fact that apart from college I weren't really doing anything else. I didn't go out, I slowly started to care less and less about the things I'd cared about before and the only thing which I really did care about [the guy I was emotionally involved with at the time] was slyly one of the reasons why I had no peace of mind but I wasn't sure why so I held on.


Sidebar: Remember, I was tryin' to help "fix" him therefore I didn't want to let go of him. Everything I thought about was him, his issues, how I could help him out, what was going on etc...completely forgetting about how to care about myself in the process.


When he eventually left, I had nothing left because he was the only thing I'd really cared about for the past year and a half that I'd known him, so when he left he took with him my peace of mind, who I was and my insecurity dove even deeper...that was when I got depressed and learned that I literally had to start again by finding myself, finding who I am and learning to love and accept who I am. Believe me, this is an ongoing process, but ever since I started mine God has been the hand holding me through everything. He's the person that eased my wounds and gave me the compassionate heart to even thinking about forgiving the dude who left and managed to show me how to seperate being IN love with them and still loving them. He's the one who fixed it up that somehow my vocal coach started teaching me again, he gave me a piano for free so it was there and ready for me when I started to learn how to play [long story] but most of all he started to show me I was beautiful without nobody even telling me. Of course, you get the odd man here and there tellin' you you're gorgeous and what not, but that not nor has it ever shook me so all such comments counted as irrelevant...plus it's not what people say that should determin whether you think you're beautiful [not only because people are jam foolish & lyin' all the time] a woman should know she's beautiful in her own right and in her own way.
I started to learn how to love who I am, how to accept who I am and to really bask in your beautifulness, this is something I think every woman needs to learn how to do...I'm not sayin' go around thinkin' your too nice no....NO. Don't EVER do that. But a lady needs to know her worth as a woman, know the things about her that make her unique and get comfortable in it.
But I digress.
I remember when we were first going into 2010 I cried. I cried because 2009 had been such a horrible year and such a fight for me, when really 2009 was in it's own way one of the best years of my life because the amount of growth that passed through my body in 2009 has given me so much wisdom. Sure it hurt, sure at least once a month I cried and definitely had to deal with relapses...but I stand so much stronger now because of it. This year so far, not everything I want to happen may not have happened yet, but I know it will when it's supposed to and I'm well on my way.
From being a woman who was insecure, naive, didn't put myself first, had no real goals or values about life or herself; I'm now a young woman who's very comfortable in her own skin, knows her worth, will always put herself first and am working towards my goals so hard, going back to my first love [music] played a big part in shaping who I am because it also broke me, humility is key when it comes to chasing your dreams or else your lost. I'm determined more than ever to tick off every goal I've set for myself. 
I know the type of woman I am, I know the type of woman I want to be and I know what I want out of life. 
Again, I wanna thank God for being at the forefront of all of this, for all the times he's had to tell me about myself for my own stupidity, all the times he's silently corrected me when I've done something I know I shouldn't have...and for each time he's reminded me that even though I've been feeling at my worst I am still a diamond.
The fact that he orders my steps, the fact that he reminds me all my trauma's are gonna work together for his good, the fact that I can find myself in his word...he's just too much. He's given me so many ephiphany's in the past 6 months, I can't let them go un-aired. 
 For those who actually did read this to the end remember:
With God, you most definitely can believe, achieve and then begin to RECIEVE. He is love for real and he's been the smile on my face on my darkest days. 
He's bringing me my perfect peace and I'm more than ever clinging onto the necessary.
I love you more and more each day, for every hurt, every tear I shed, everytime I feel like giving up...because I know where I am, I know where I'm going.




xoxo

Goals.

Meet Leah Smith:





Her song "Beautifully Made" excites my spirit. Her tone, the technique in which she uses her voice and the strength behind her lyrics all give me something to look forward to when I pick up my own pen.


Also meet Lydia Paek:





She's not an established artist, I only know her due to videos on youtube, but damn...my girl has got it goin' on. Her voice and technique are nothing short of brilliant, she knows her style and she knows how to use it well. I love it.


Lately, discouragement has been my biggest problem, and it's been overall these two ladies who have made me want to get better each time I listen to them sing. 
They make me want to touch my dreams more than ever. I've been doubting myself a lot lately, whether I can really do this and whether what I'm reaching for is for me simply because there's so many kinds of different talent out there and so many big voices, so I struggle to find where a voice like mine would fit...but I'm slowly gaining some perspective and direction.


It's time for me to stop shrinking back everytime a hurdle comes and tackle it head on.





Leah Smith - Beautifully made.





Lydia Paek - Turn your lights down low (cover)
See more of her stuff on www.youtube.com/JUUKKES


xoxo

A random word of advice.

To all my ladies out there...
If you ever come across a man who says to you the following lines:


"I don't deserve you" - [NOT "How did I get so lucky", that's different.]
"I don't wanna hurt you/ I'm scared I'll hurt you"
"You're too good for me"


FLEE.
FLEE like you've never FLED in your LIFE.
I'm being serious as hell !! Experience has taught me and I've learned from too many that when a man says that, he genuinely means it and there is a 9 out of 10 chance that by the end of the "love story" your gonna be left crushed. It's either said man is a pathological liar, he's cheating, he has a history of cheating, he doesn't really know himself and needs to get to know himself...I dunno...but it always means something is definitely wrong. He's crying out for something and you need to listen and find out what that something is because there is a deep underlying PROBLEM for you and for him.
Sometimes the man can tell you what that problem is, sometimes he can't in which case he needs to search/check himself, you can help him do so, but I would advise you to do it from the "friend" bench otherwise you'll end up gettin' cut up on the inside and trust me it's not even that time of day.
Sometimes however, the man will also tell you this because he needs you, he needs you to help him sort out his damn self & in such cases whatever it is he needs you to do for him emotionally/mentally you need to do without loosing your peace of mind in the process. 


Being there for somebody...loving them more than you love yourself, it's not an easy job, so if you're just about ready to pass your heart over and you hear those words, hold up the red light & find out the ways in which your honey man needs to fix up.
That is all.


xoxo

I tumble over.

Tumblrrrr had to eventually get some love too.


www.natureal-music.tumblr.com


<3

Do you REALLY care what skin tone they are ?

Again, another conversation quite nicely provoked this blog post, I went on a full blown rant by the end of it, so I was encouraged to blog about it.
Now...I have quite a few things I wanna bring up under the topic of "interracial dating". Anyone who knows me knows I've always been a fan, I think it's beautiful when you see people of completely different races walking hand in hand, not just the typical "black male, white female" couple but "black female, asian male" type couples, they bring big smiles to my face; however in the ignorance of today's society not everyone feels the same, so I have a few things I wanna touch up on whilst making my point known.


1. The "Darkskin VS Lightskin" topics.
I cannot believe...in all honesty how long this stupidity has been going on for, the question I always find myself asking is "No but seriously doe WHO CARES ?!" because I know for a damn fact that I don't. Light skinned or dark skinned at the end of the day it's SKIN TONE, to say "Light skinned people look better than dark skinned people" and vice versa is absolute madness ! Not only is it over generalizing but it's just pure foolishness. Have you seen ever light skinned/dark skinned person in the world out there to make an assumption like that ? HELL NO so what's the DEAL ? honestly I'm so BAFFLED sometimes when I see trending topics on twitter talkin about such stupidness, bare debates on facebook, bare debates in college about "Has light skin gone out of fashion ?" WDF ?! How can you even begin to say that ? Since when is it fashionable to be a certain skin colour ?! Look yeah...at the end of the day NO ONE CARES. I have come across some of the most BEAUTIFUL dark skinned AND light skinned individuals, in my state of CORRECT thinking I will never over generalize and say one tone looks better than the other because it's so damn fool, skin tones are beautiful and different for a reason. Get off that rubbish it's 2010.


Sidebar: All such individuals who think they're hot cakes BECAUSE they're a certain skin tone are not excused either. I sit back in awe when I hear girls/boys talking about how they know they can get any guy they like because of their skin tone...seriously ? Shut up, sit down, close your mouth then go home. Such ignorance is needed here...bare foolishness.


2. Preference and ignorance shouldn't be in the same sentence.
It's okay to have preference, I have more than once on this blog expressed that. To say that you prefer a certain race/ look over another is fine, but when you then become ignorant about said preference is when there's a problem. Comments like "Sorry I couldn't ever be with someone who weren't dark skinned choc'lit scrumdillyumptiousness" is mad... I've heard a girl utter those exact words and then a year later her mouth was shut NICELY when she found herself chasing after some vietnamese boy in her college. You can't be ignorant. Beauty/good looks doesn't fall under ONE category, you get good looking people in all races and you have to acknowledge that, you can't shun a girl/man who's absolutely breath taking in the looks department AND their personality is on P just because they aren't your first choice of preference in race, it's ridiculous and it's stupidity like that that'll stop you from ever finding real happiness. Stereotypes and over generalizing don't belong in the mind, so get rid of it and keep the mind open to new possibilities. 


3. Mindset.
Keep your mindset fresh, I've said this from day one. If you're broken, fix yourself...yes fix yourself. Seek help where you need it [Church/The counsellors office/Rehab] re-evaluate yourself and know what you want. Oh, while you're doing so also weigh up the things that matter and the things that don't matter. Whether or not a girl's ass/breast is big enough, whether her hair is long enough or whether she's thick or tall/short won't make you happy when push comes to shove, skin colour let alone looks won't be the thing bringing you true happiness at the end of the day, yeah sure your wife/husband will be eye candy but we all know that that isn't enough. I've always said that the best looking person isn't necessarily going to be the one to love you the best, if a woman/man loves you for who you are, satisfies your needs, can hold it down for you for the rest of your days, supports you and your dreams/compliments your dreams,be all you could ever need, your best friend AND partner in crime, then what more is it that you're lookin' for ? I aint sayin' go marry a woman/man that looks like Nanny Mcphee/Shrek and disregard physical attraction completely...but it's not the most important thing. If a person can really be all you've ever needed and satisfy your mind, heart, body and soul for the rest of your days then what else do you WANT ? If you turn down such a person because they don't seem to meet your supposed "criteria" in the looks department or they're not a certain race then shame on you, SHAME I tell you.




I've always loved my hispanics, my asians, my liteys, my whites and any others among lovin' choc'lit men. I'll never discriminate on the type of man I want to be with just because of his skin colour, you really don't get to experience a nice slice out of life if you do. I'm lookin' for a man that can love me in the way that I need to be loved and I know his skin tone aint gonna hinder that...all stereotypes and hear-say out the door, I know what I want, I know what I prefer but I'm not limited to my preferences at all.


To all of you who are reading this, what say you about interracial dating/ the issue of the light skinned/dark skinned debate ?


I have a lot of friends who disagree with me on certain areas of these issues, we're all allowed to have an opinion...but no ignorance...ignorance gets airtime.


xoxo