Butterflies on the cross.

So today I drew this. This was inspired when I was listening to Carolinexoxo as she was singing "Turn your lights down low" [ her earlier version ] and as she was making her riffs and runs I felt the need to draw, so I did.

But I've dropped the pencil now.

Meaning I'm no longer a Graphic Design student.

A lot of people have asked me why I've decided to drop Art & Design as my major & it's for these reasons here.

- I like Art, don't get me wrong I really do. I love to draw...just not the way universities demand from you. I was trying to kid myself for a while that it's what I'm passionate about and I love it but that's not the case & lying to yourself only throws you into a deeper whole. Art & Design [ specifically graphic design because that's what I was doing ] is a course that demands a hell of a lot of your time and patience, you need to literally BREATHE the subject if you're going to really excel in it, have dreams about it at night and allsorts cause it needs to be IN you...& i'm just not like that about it at all [ It took me going up to a Nottingham Trent University open day to realize this ].

- So from there I thought....omdz... I actually have a serious problem cause I've just realized I don't want to do Graphic design anymore...but then I had a talk with Hope & she asked me what I'm passionate about and what I see myself doing, at that moment I looked over at my piano and I said...."this....". Then we ended up launching into like an hours discussion about me changing my whole career aspects and what it is I want to do with my life & the goals that would be necessary for me to reach in order for me to get there. This was about...a month ago or so and at the time everything she was saying looked damn near impossible...so I was still stuck.

- 2 weeks later and after seeking council from a lot of the loved ones in my life, I decided to go for it. Now a month later here I am, sending off my application form to take my grade exams in Piano & vocal, filling out my UCAS on my own, finding references and reviewing how the hell I'm gonna structure my personal statement. Part of a brand new choir [ The shebach choir, performing in Nottingham on the 12th of Dec ], Getting CONSTANT links into the gospel industry through my girl Mabel a.k.a May [ if you don't know her, get to know her, shes a dime ] & last night I think was one of the most amazing nights I've had in a long time. Nothing special happened, but May took me to her youth church she usually sings at [ where I was really really blessed so to speak ] & I met so many amazing people who are in love with this side of the creative arts too. I met actors, dancers, spoken word artists, singers, songwriters & musicians and I was just absolutely blown away by them, the fact that I fit right in shifted something in me.

I'm now involved in a hell of a lot of projects & workshops that I'm gonna be constantly in from now till September, I'm still always in training especially cause I'm quite new to this...I came up with the "Butterflies on the cross" thing because of my new-ness. See, May calls those who are up and coming " Butterflies" so I was branded as a butterfly yesterday & the cross thing signifies in my life that everything I'm doing I'm doing it for my God, because I owe it all up to him. I wouldn't even be where I am today if not for him. I've been so ill for the past month or so but in the midst of all that I've somehow found the strength to not STAY down, realize my dreams ARE in reach and make the necessary movements & set the necessary goals to reach them.

[ Also, I just want to make it clear. I do not repeat DO NOT want to be in the mainstream music industry. Oh no. The industry is a HOT MESS and I would never ever place myself in the midst of all that. I know where I'm going and I know what I want to be. I'm just doing what I need to do in order to get there ]

I'm currently working towards taking my grade 6 Piano exam and my grade 8 vocal exam, I'm scared as hell but I know I can do it if I focus.

I'm gonna be part of a bunch of courses from January, all contributing towards my training in the necessary areas, so my foundation year has to go.

My weeks are very busy, and my schedule is always full but I love it that way. I love it because it's productive AND I'm enjoying it, it's what I'm passionate about. I never ever in a million years thought I would get to where I am now...I have a life. A life that's mine and no one else's, A life where it's just me & God & where I no longer care about silly things like having a boyfriend or unnecessary friends, I'm trying to keep it relevant, I can thankfully say I'm on a "Wasteman get behind thee" movement [ courtesy of Kanika Ess ] & I can hold my own for as long as I need to.

As the year is almost over, I realize just how far I've come in the space of 12 months. I'm almost 20 & I've finally got me back. I know there's still a lot I need to learn, still so much more I need to grow and my road is still long, but I can get there, I know I can... no BODY can ever try tell me otherwise.

Have a good night all

xoxo

Hmm...cuuuuuuuuuurious...

Ok question :

Do you think there's one select person made out there for all of us ? Or do you think love is what you make it ?

I'm on the fence. I think that love is what you make it, but then again if you can make it work with someone and the relationship ends up perfect for you then doesn't that mean that person is right for you and no one else ? The bone of your bone ? Your Adam/Eve ?
I think people are too quick to jump into relationships then end up hurt due to lack of patience, but if it's done right, if you're both on the same page, you obviously feel so strongly about this person & you seem to just fit in a way that you can spend the rest of your life with that person....then that's you right there right ?
I think as usual it's all a waiting game, but when you've found that person that you know is perfect for you as in DON'T GET NO BETTERRRRR & you dun know you won't ever wanna be with anybody else...then that's your one.

Just a thought.

xoxo

Write me a letter, not an email.

Ahhhh, love letters. Love letters. Lurrrv letters. I love them. I love them because they mean so much more recieving a letter that took time to write than taking the 20minutes to punch in a few keys on the computer. I love it when you see all the cross outs, the underlines, the chicken scratch handwriting cause they eventually got tired...that means more than any email in my books.
I dunno if I'm the only person who still loves the idea of love letters, but if I am so be it.

I was reading Christiana's blog earlier on today [ I refer to her so casually because I'm sure you all know of her already ] and I was reminded of an earlier blog she wrote called "Bringing back natural interactions" [ at least I think it was called that anyway ]. This blog stirred something in me, cause I've always been a big fan of letters, post it's, notes, lunch dates etc.
Even though I have no problems with calling someone because sometimes it really is necessary I just think sometimes a visit is more appropriate...a lunch date... go see a movie together...something ? All these things over time have been so slyly replaced by :
- Texts
- BBm & iChat
- Facebook/Myspace/Twitter
- Phone calls
- Voicemails even @_@
- Skype etc etc
Even though I'm guilty of using these...very guilty actually because some people you just DON'T want to see face to face, you should never get no wrapped up in it that you get addicted so you have virtually no time for yourself or end up spending no REAL time with anybody else.
[ This used to be one of my biggest problems, but over the course of this year I've come to realize life begins to literally pass you by, even when you're in the presence of other people you're still possibly texting someone else, or your phone rings, or your BB messenger goes off or something ].

I dunno, call me old fashioned, but I just find it means so much more to go that extra mile, you know ?

xoxo

Forgiveness ? Necessary ?

So I was reading a blog by Christiana [ Christiana Rants ] called "Forgiveness & Bowties" & I was all noddin' away with what she was sayin, shaking my head at the necessary points & what not until I got to the end where she asked all readers for our opinion. I was pretty sure what I was going to say until I started typing it. At first I was all like "Yeah, I agree man trust, forgiveness is essential, you have to forgive & let go cause it's healthy for YOU bla bla bla" so sure about what the hell I was saying, until I got to the middle of my lil paragraph and started to disagree with myself...I weren't like "If a person doesn't deserve it then just let go" but I was thinking...how far can you go with forgiveness ?

If someone does you wrong of course the first thing that's gonna come to your mind is that you can't forgive them, because it's hard, real talk it is, forgiveness isn't something that comes as naturally as it should, it takes time and a whole lot of hurt & releasing to be able to REALLY let go, but is that person worth all of that is my question. I know we have to forgive, not even for them but for us, it's essential because it's healthier for us [ plus you're gonna be the ones loosin' sleep at night and not the other party involved ] but sometimes do they really deserve it ? & how far are you expected to go ?

Some think forgiveness means letting the person who hurt you back into your life no matter what circumstance. I say it depends. If it's a small issue that with time you know you'll get over/ it was an accident and the person didn't intentionally hurt you or something then I see no issue with [ in due time ] allowing the person back into your life. HOWEVER. I question whether it's okay to let a person back into your life who after hurting you showed no real remorse but then suddenly decided to find a conscience and apologize somewhere down the line, but it could depend how deep the hurt runs.

It's hard man, let me not lie.

It's hard to let go of what's broken you and say you forgive someone, because you know for a damn fact while you're struggling to do so they're carrying on with life as normal while you're trying to pick up the pieces.

But I guess you're doing it for you, not them.

xoxo

Goodnight love.

"Goodnight love, because tomorrow's another day. Thank you for today though, because when I asked you to make me smile, you did."

xoxo

My christmas wishlist

I saw a status that made me laugh on my facebook about what they want for Christmas, so for kicks I decided to write my own list [ don't laugh ]:

1. An iPhone, I had the opportunity to buy this last year, I don't know what possessed me to NOT get it. The new one just looks so beautiful, mines, I want
2. New glasses. As crazy as it may sound I want the proper big neeky glasses, just cause they're different lol
3. New Pj's
4. A big teddy bear, I've wanted one since I was like 16
5. A pair of Gladiator heels [ Now, don't get me wrong. Me wearing heels is a RARE cosmic event, however I love the look of them & I will throw them on for special occasions ]
6. Yes, another notebook
7. Heroes, Supernatural AND 24 box set's
8. Moneys please tanx
9. Flat shoes in every colour
10. Nail polish in every colour [ HA ! Like I paint my nails on the regular. Still. Would be good to have ]
11. Cook book please !
12. Studs in every colour
13. New iPod. Preferably the iPod touch :o)
14. A new sketchbook ? Maybe ?
15. All the CS3 series
16. A book, any book, that can jump start me into learning guitar until I've got time for lessons
17. A wheat bag [ don't ask ]
18. Big earphones
19. Pretty pens.
20. Socks. Yes I said socks. I don't like walking around my halls barefoot

xoxo