Ramblings.

The other day I had a gig with my choir "The shabach singers". It was the second one this month actually & I overly enjoyed myself on both occasions.
However, upon being back and having had fun at both gigs, my mind, as always, is left in a state of mess.
The first issue comes from the fact that all of last week and a little bit of the week before, I was crushing on someone... as in my mind was not successfully able to just STAY on me - I really didn't like this, but I knew it'd pass. Now that it's over, the side of me that wants to fall in love, has woken up, and it's wrestling with the part of me that doesn't.


Problem.


I still have such a long way to go, this setback of "I wanna fall in love" isn't doin' it for me. At all. I know I'll be over it in a few days, but the fact that I feel like this right now is gettin' to me. I know all the reasons why I need to be single right now, and these reasons are enough for me to stay single until someone worth my time comes along. Until this event happens, I'm desperate to keep chasing my dreams, keep my eyes on God & continue to love and get to know myself, I don't have time for no foolishness.


Next issue. After an interesting conversation with my friend tonight, my mind was thrown back into my past. I was reminded of how naive I was three years ago and how I reaped the consequences of this naivety for over a year afterwards. Every lady has her own moments of weakness and mine happened to come in the form of a man. I cared about him way too much and never gave a second thought on how to consider myself first. I didn't love myself enough to say no, but I loved him enough to say yes... to everything. I feel no bitterness, because what almost diminished who I was completely has made me bloom and I only went upwards from there. When you hide behind the pretense of being someone else, you never really discover who "you" is, you never really learn what's great about you so that other's can learn it too. I don't have any regrets, because once the pain was over I was left with valuable lessons that I wouldn't have learned any other way. Instead, I'm left with a few questions and a whole lot of memories... some of the memories good, some bad, but they all contribute to make me and my experiences. I'm free of it, and that's where I aimed to get to.


Sometimes though I can't help but wonder. I can't help but wonder about the face behind all my pain, I wonder if they stayed the same or if they tried to do better too.


You know it's nights like these, I'm glad I have antihistamines because I know when I wake up in the morning I won't give a damn about any of this.


xoxo 

Cheeyz.

Go read my tumblr blog, I think I like that one more than I like this one.

I recommend all of you to get on that, it doesn't provide nearly half as many problems as blogspot does.

www.natureal-music.tumblr.com

I ramble a 'lil but more on there.. but it's more me.

Love you guys

xoxo

Am I shallow/Asked out/Cindy says/I want your input.

Alright so, for those of you who don't know, Cindy a.k.a Cynthia is my best friend. She has been since year 10, she's the jack daniel to my ribs, the cotton to my candy, the sock to my sockS.
So.
Next wednesday I have a date, and I was tellin' her about it on the phone today. I was ranting on and on to her about how I suspect that one of the reasons this guy asked me was because he liked me which already puts us on different pages because I'm going because I want to get to know him [he seems so lovely so far] and in hopes that I can get a really good friend in this time [as mentioned before, single and happy]. So I continued to tell her how I don't mind going on this date but I'm going for different reasons to him & how I don't even know him well enough to know if I like him as a person and blah blah blah.
She then proceeded to tell me to shut up and that if I look at the bigger picture I should realize he's asked me out with him because he wants to get to know ME too and see if I have the qualities to become a great friend, NOT because he wants to slyly put his arm up my skirt in the dark or nothin' and I should realize the type of guy I'm dealing with.
I agreed.
She then just told me to see how everything flows and then after a few more conversations and time well spent at the cinema and when I see him around, I can then begin to assess. After some more small talk about the situation she goes to me. "Anyways, knowing you he would remain just friends with you anyway because you won't allow it to progress." I was like "what...SORRY ?!" because I knew what she was implying. She was touching on the string that she believes is my unshakeable shallowness.
I straight away began to argue my case, I was like "I'm sorry, but you can't be tryna call me shallow after you've SEEN the type of males I have gone for in the past, don't even try it my friend". I launched a full scale attack about how in the past I've gone for some males who have CLEARLY not been my type without giving a damn, so she can't tell me I won't let it progress because of things like how he looks, that the only time I got someone who was beautifulized in my books was the last time.
She stopped me by the time I got to that part and was like "YES ma. The last one was the one that has set the standard for what you will and will not allow now. Ever since him you've made it so that you've set your eyes on your type and if they're not your type then they'll only ever sit in the friend box. This guy [the guy I'm going out with on wednesday] isn't your type, so you'll be more reluctant to let it progress than if he was so don't even try argue".
I was almost stunned into silence. ALMOST. A part of me knew she was right.
I know what my type is... tall [above 6ft please], teddy bear-ish type build [basically the body type that means every time you go to hug them, you're receiving a bear hug], adorable in face, a lil "nerd-like" in dress sense [when I say nerd-like I mean Pharell type nerd], clean looking, nice facial hair and all that good stuff. I know I love a loud personality, a creative mind [preferably a music one too, but this is not a must] and someone who's not afraid to be different i.e break into song and dance with me in the middle of westfield and feel NO shame about it.
That kinda sums up my type, I hope I painted some nice pictures in your mind.
I know that if someone who were my type was to approach me, have a few conversations with me and ask me out to get to know me and enjoy my company, whether or not it would progress in future would definitely cross my mind more than once... now I'm not saying it would be the main focus but I wouldn't mind the thought because they check a lot of my boxes.
Someone who isn't my type may have to work a lil bit harder if they want to move into the "my future" category. That's just me being real. I don't like to think of myself as a shallow person, I'm not the type to completely shun a guy if he doesn't look or act the way I like, I'll always ALWAYS give them a chance and I'll always be friendly... it's just a bit harder for me to think about them moving into the future box if I feel like I'm not compatible with them in many areas. This more touches on the personality aspect rather than the looks aspect... I mean... I can't be there actin' a fool and you're jus' lookin at me smilin, no you need to JOIN IN. Compatibility is important to me and always has been, but the whole point of this blog post is to highlight the fact that in my mind I'm so set on "I just wanna get to know him as a friend, forget that other side first" whereas I know if the guy ticked the majority of boxes of my 'type' there would be a lot of "imagine if's" and "maybe's" running through my mind.
Can you imagine.
And I know I aint the only one.
I know after a while, especially as I mature, 'type' will begin to matter less and less and just how well I get on with them and how much of a great person they are to me will begin to matter more. This is something I know I need to aim at working on changing and I think the same goes for everyone.


But, does having a type make me shallow ? I mean... everyone has a type, it's not wrong is it ? Everyone has what they think their ideal husband or boyfriend will be like in their mind.... but I know this is something I need to do away with and throw in the bin.
Realistically, as a woman grows older her type begins to change and she begins to discover what she really wants in a man... being 20 I'm still quite young so maybe it'll change I dunno...


Thoughts please, tell me if I'm dead ass wrong or if I'm right in having a set type of man and holding the standard ! I've seen many women coming from both side saying things like "It's things like having a 'type' that'll stop you from truly being happy" and I've seen others say things such as "Know what you want in a man and don't settle for less, when you see what you want GRAB IT, aint nothin' wrong with havin' a type and stickin' to it to get the man you want".


I'd love to know what you guys think !


xoxo

Just one day [unfinished]

"Can I get a day in your life ?

Where for a moment your story and mine

are the same.

I'd take on the role of your best friend, maybe even

your girl.

Your life and mine would become our lives,

I'll be that part of you that's female.

Forever your partner in crime, so let me know the day that I

can walk in."

- Keez a.k.a Pookie.

xoxo

One of my favourite songs at the moment.

Alicia keys - Unthinkable (written by Drake)




This song touches nerves... especially the first verse. I love it.


"Moment of Honesty
Someone's gotta take the lead tonight
Who's it gonna be ?
I'm gonna sit right her and
Tell you all that comes to me
If you have somethin' to say, you should say it right now"


Speak to me.


xoxo


P.S - My own cover coming soon.

20 Random Facts About Me. [ +2 ]

1. I have sickle cell anaemia. This never really was a serious problem for me until I turned 18, life started stressing me out and stuff. There came a point where I was at hospital once a week but I'm slowly learning to manage it. It's painful, it's annoying and I hate the amount of pills I have to pop every day but other than that it doesn't bother me too much. Don't know what it is ? Look it up :o)

2. I love food. I am the definition of an undercover fat fat fatty, the only reason I don't really put on serious weight is because the sickle cell doesn't allow me to. I'll eat anything and I mean aaaaaaaaanything as long as it tastes good, try me. I especially love sweet things like candy, cake etc etc, I won't drink anything unless it tastes sweet [except water, I love water] especially with alcoholic drinks... yuck. I'm sorry I don't understand how people can enjoy the taste of things like vodka and wine and all that hooha.

3. I play 2 instruments, the acoustic guitar and the piano; I only started learning to play the piano last year and the acoustic guitar in January. Very soon the base guitar is going to join up the list.

4. As you've probably read if you're a loyal reader, I love me. I am always going to come before you :o) Don't be shocked, this should be the case for everybody, if you love yourself enough it's harder for idiots to step on you.

5. I'm a believer in Jesus Christ, full blown, so don't be surprised by my random outbursts of my love for him in my posts. I'm not an unreasonable person and I'm very respective of the beliefs of other people, so if you don't trash my beliefs, I'll say nothing on your own unless asked.

6. I'm single and I love it. I'm surprised because last year you couldn't have paid me enough money to say this but it's surprisingly now the truth... I'm very happy with where I am right now and my plans for my life, finding out who I am and taking this journey to become a better me... I don't need anyone to hold my hand along the way just now.

7. I love being outside. I mean, unless I'm practicing or there's stuff I need to be doin' then what am I doing at home ? Long walks and places to go are my thing [ Except it's winter... during the winter you'll NEVVVVVVER catch me outside unless I have to be, it's cold and depressing..allow. ]

8. I've got a very childish personality. I love cartoons, teddy bears bring plenty of excitement and such things. If I saw a spongebob duvet and a well designed one in the same store, I'd probably end up buying the spongebob one.

9. I hate the conceited... but you probably already know this. All I ask is that you have brains and character to back up your good looks, it's not hard is it ?

10. I hate eggs... and fish. Whoever had the idea of eating such things was obviously gassed upon gassed.

11. Man... I love music, but this should be OBVIOUS by now. Music is just...YES. 

12. I have confidence issues when it comes to singing. At home, I'll sound fine but when I get outside oooh Lord. I'll get over it though, and when I do I'll let you know :o)

13. I used to keep a diary... I think it's wise for everybody to do so you know, because trust me when you look back oh my goodness the JOKES.

14. I struggle with patience... I mean, if something can be done as quickly as possibly why just not DO IT ? why LONG OUT THE PROCESS ?

15. I've been in love before, it really is a beautiful thing if it's right but my story was just SO wrong.

16. When I was 6 years old I was hit by a car in the face, landed on my leg and broke it. I couldn't walk for like 3 months, couldn't run for 6. It completely re-arranged my face and my teeth and for the longest while I was so insecure because of it. When everything healed over I still had the mentality I had back then... however, now I think I'm quite beautifulized :o) 

17. One of my legs is shorter than the other due to said accident, but you will NEVER notice it plus I think it's cool, so shame.

18. I am a GREAT listener... yes I said GREAT. People used to take advantage of this in the past, but being repeatedly taken for an idiot has taught me when and when not to tune out.

19. Writing is my 3rd love next to Music. I write in a very conversational way [the same as when I sing] which may seem a bit weird to other people, but hey.

20. I'm a full blown Nigerian girl. Born and raised in the UK but I'll always scream for Nigeria first before the UK.

21. I love to cook when I'm bothered, however I don't want to be one of those girls that ONLY knows how to cook African food, I want to learn to cook everything from Spanish food to Indian food, I think it'll be great plus it'll give me great variety. So, if anyone's willing to send me a cook book, I'll be more than happy to accept.

<3

xoxo