Identity Crisis.

Mmmm so, as I mentioned in my last blog I slept over at Remi's last night, n` in that time we had quite a few discussions, but there was one particular topic that really shook some serious foundations for me.
That was our talk about the difference between having a God given gift & talent.
I used to think they were the same but it's really not.
For example, one of my sister's best friends could watch a dance on TV once & then she'd know it off head without having to look at it again, whereas it'd take others a good couple of hours or even days to learn it by having to continuously try and memorize it.
Another example is that one dude in my Art class last year can just look at something and immediately know what was in it & how it was cooked, whereas another would have to refer to a cookbook and probably couldn't just guess the ingredients just like that.

Do you see what I'm gettin` at ?

The reason that shook some foundations for me is because all of the things I can do and I'm good at are mostly just talent. Like I'm good at Art but I'm an Art student, student being the key word because I had to go to school for it to get better & on the other hand I know some who never really took Art seriously or paid attention to it at school a day in their life yet they're absolutely amazing at it just effortlessly. Or those who never took vocal training a day in their lives or even have to warm up or anything but have such amazing voices...you know...those who can SANG. But I took up vocal training when I was 16 & then stopped after a year & now at 19 I'm doing it again, meaning I had to work for it to make it better and find my own sound, I have to actually sit down & learn to play the guitar and the piano...hell that's not even the point, there are people who could go through the same vocal training by the same teacher and go through the same stuff yet one will still sound blatantly better & more powerful than the other.

I hope all that is makin sense.

But all my commenting on it just means that Art & Music are just talents...I wanna know what I'm truly gifted at.

In my saying that, Mary dropped that a persons Gift can be anything & that mine may be the ability to listen and give good advice, be compassionate & bla bla bla de bla.
Now I thought about that & I realized I had a lot of mixed emotions about it. On one hand I felt good because of the fact that I like to help, it's not something everyone can do and almost everybody in my life see's me as some kinda agony aunt that they can talk to & I like that. However on the other hand half of the people I play agony aunt for don't deserve it. It ends up being a thing where they take & take but don't give back and ONLY ever talk to you when they need help and advise or they wanna gush about their love stories or just talk about themselves, as if I'm not human. It becomes the case where you're saving everybody else & no one really puts you or your feelings into consideration.
Sure thing yeah, as human beings everybody in their own way is self absorbed but it depends on what level you take it to. Like I know I see girls like Mary, Remi & Hope as older sisters so if I'm in desperate need of big girl advice or I'm just strugglin with my feelings I tell them so I can get their advice & i end up talking & talking & talking because they're listening to me talk about me & they don't mind...I have some big amount of respect & love for them because they're doing for me what I do for others & it helps...it helps to be able to get that reassurance/ wake up call and advice from somewhere or just simply be able to let it all out.

... which is pretty much the same thing that got me into hot water the last time.

But I digress. I get that everybody's human & everybody needs a shoulder to lean on, but the bottom line is half of the people I go out of my way for don't deserve it full stop.
But I can't help it, I can't know I could help someone or have the advice to give them and then in the end keep quiet, that's never been my nature & it's something I'm proud of uno ? Being able to help where I can, that's why I volunteered with the good samaritans in the first place.
But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes...


xoxo