Me & my bowl of cherries.

Tempting aren't they ?

So I'm here wide away & sitting side by side with my thoughts.
Today during my vocal lesson, I was asked to delve deep into feelings that I try my hardest every day to dismiss in order to reach a certain emotion and portray it throughout the song...it was easier than I thought, n the things I've been holding in managed to all flood out at once. I almost cried at a certain point in the middle of the song...but I didn't.
My point in saying all that is...despite my healing going so well...there's still obvious areas that need fixing. My sense of feeling lost, my feeling like there's a blank space in the past 2 years of my life that I had previously thought were filled with so much promise...of course there are lessons I couldn't have learned any other way in that time...but the fact that I had to learn them in such a painful way is something I guess I could've gone without, I'm just greatful I came out on the other side of it where others have crashed through the middle.
I got lessons in patience, loyalty, kindness, the importance of letting nothing get in the way of your dreams, how important it is to not let another human being become your everything, how easy it is to fall in love & how difficult it is to fall out of it. The significance of actions for actions without words remain nothing but letters, the importance of staying true to yourself, just how much the advice of others should be heeded when you know in your gut instinct its right, how important it is to TRUST your gut instincts, what trust really means,just how easily it is to loose yourself & always putting God first.
I am ever grateful for learning all of this, but with all this came the sense of feeling lost, empty promise, heart ache & break, shame, tears, fear, silence & lies. But everything contributed to who I am and the woman I'm trying to be today.

Life isn't always gonna be a bowl of cherries, in every bowl of cherries you're bound to have a few rotten & sour ones...sometimes you bite into the sour ones not really knowing they're sour because they look ripe on the inside, this is the same with mistakes. Of course sometimes you have the common sense to KNOW and prevent when something bad is gonna happen to you/ your gonna get hurt, but other times it's simply entirely out of your control...you can, like I did, beat yourself up on the inside till the day comes but that won't change the fact that the mistake happened. Hurt is never easy to deal with, heartache & unfortunate circumstances are never fair...but such is life. You can never truely learn a lesson by learning from someone else's mistakes, you have to feel the burn yourself to have fear enough to never get into it again...the wound would have to cut deep enough to leave a scar.
Life truely is what you make it n it took me the longest time & so much soul searching to realise this...I'm still searching, still hoping, still believing & moving my feet taking everything one step at a time. As a human being I do stumble & fall, make stupid decision & don't invest in my time wisely...but I'm growing.
On the end of all this pain lies so much promise for me, so many blessings, it's things like this that keep me going & with each day it gets a lil easier to bear & easier to ignore cause I'm keepin my eyes on the prizes.
I'm just babbling I guess, but it's late & like I said my thoughts are nudging me.

xoxo