Ramblings.

The other day I had a gig with my choir "The shabach singers". It was the second one this month actually & I overly enjoyed myself on both occasions.
However, upon being back and having had fun at both gigs, my mind, as always, is left in a state of mess.
The first issue comes from the fact that all of last week and a little bit of the week before, I was crushing on someone... as in my mind was not successfully able to just STAY on me - I really didn't like this, but I knew it'd pass. Now that it's over, the side of me that wants to fall in love, has woken up, and it's wrestling with the part of me that doesn't.


Problem.


I still have such a long way to go, this setback of "I wanna fall in love" isn't doin' it for me. At all. I know I'll be over it in a few days, but the fact that I feel like this right now is gettin' to me. I know all the reasons why I need to be single right now, and these reasons are enough for me to stay single until someone worth my time comes along. Until this event happens, I'm desperate to keep chasing my dreams, keep my eyes on God & continue to love and get to know myself, I don't have time for no foolishness.


Next issue. After an interesting conversation with my friend tonight, my mind was thrown back into my past. I was reminded of how naive I was three years ago and how I reaped the consequences of this naivety for over a year afterwards. Every lady has her own moments of weakness and mine happened to come in the form of a man. I cared about him way too much and never gave a second thought on how to consider myself first. I didn't love myself enough to say no, but I loved him enough to say yes... to everything. I feel no bitterness, because what almost diminished who I was completely has made me bloom and I only went upwards from there. When you hide behind the pretense of being someone else, you never really discover who "you" is, you never really learn what's great about you so that other's can learn it too. I don't have any regrets, because once the pain was over I was left with valuable lessons that I wouldn't have learned any other way. Instead, I'm left with a few questions and a whole lot of memories... some of the memories good, some bad, but they all contribute to make me and my experiences. I'm free of it, and that's where I aimed to get to.


Sometimes though I can't help but wonder. I can't help but wonder about the face behind all my pain, I wonder if they stayed the same or if they tried to do better too.


You know it's nights like these, I'm glad I have antihistamines because I know when I wake up in the morning I won't give a damn about any of this.


xoxo