My blog post set aside for my maker.

For those of you who aren't aware, I'm a christian. I'm in church every sunday, I sing in not one but two choirs, I read my bible every day, I am a big lover of gospel music and I commit just about everything I do to God. This doesn't make me radical, this makes me a woman after God's own heart.
I just wanted to take this time to write this blog post to thank God for how awesome he is, for those of you who are reading this and you aren't christian, or you don't believe in such things therefore don't want to read...by all means don't. I'm not forcing anyone to read this, infact [at the risk of sounding like the hoodrat children you find in places like facepic] the [x] is right there at the top of the page...click it and be on your way if the idea of me speaking about God detests you so much...but otherwise feel free to read.
It's not even like anything spectacular has happened in my life right now, I'm in the same place I was yesterday, at the risk of tomorrow being the worse day of my life...I just want proudly declare how amazing God is just because of who he is... how much he's done for me, the way he's kept me...the way he's helped me find myself more and more each day. It's not even feeling like I'm having this big burst of happiness either, I just finished reading Kanika's blog and her blog post just made me feel this...insane love for God because of where I am, where I'm going and the fact that he's the reason for all of it.
When I think about my life, my WHOLE life, from my family issues to the car accident to the whole of my primary school/high school experience and every other big or small thing that has somehow effected me in life...& then I think about where I am now, I'm in such awe of where he's brought me too.
What inspired me to write this is just me thinking about how much I love myself now, how he showed me how to love myself and showed me how to really be comfortable in who I am, which is something I didn't really know how to do before. I'd thought in such a negative way about myself all my life, never ever thought I could become anything and after the accident left me looking like a gremlin between the ages of 7 to 17 I didn't even know how to call myself pretty. I never ever aimed for anything that I felt I couldn't reach and I gave up at the first sign of a challenge...this just became who I was and became fixed into my mind for the longest time, I called myself "average" for years and everybody who knew me knew this is what I thought of myself.
Even when I fell in love, my perceptions about myself didn't change. People around me would always tell me what they felt but of course as you all know change starts in the mind and I wasn't allowing myself to change....I almost felt guilty if I ever allowed myself to think well of who I was or how I looked so I stayed negative. I'd also for a long time had the perception that when you fall in love with someone they need to come and "complete" you when this is not the case. So in late 2007 I laid pretty much all of who I was on one soul who didn't even know how to handle their own properly...at the time I didn't know this, not the real depths of it until the middle of '08 and even when it did begin to show I didn't care because I thought we could "fix each other" but how can you try and fix somebody when you're broken yourself ? Who I was was a complete mess. I was deeply insecure, depressed for many reasons one of them being I didn't know what I wanted for my life, my LACK of a life, realizing I was slowly loosing who I formerly knew as myself and I had absolutely nothing going for me; I hated my course at college but was in denial about hating it plus the fact that apart from college I weren't really doing anything else. I didn't go out, I slowly started to care less and less about the things I'd cared about before and the only thing which I really did care about [the guy I was emotionally involved with at the time] was slyly one of the reasons why I had no peace of mind but I wasn't sure why so I held on.


Sidebar: Remember, I was tryin' to help "fix" him therefore I didn't want to let go of him. Everything I thought about was him, his issues, how I could help him out, what was going on etc...completely forgetting about how to care about myself in the process.


When he eventually left, I had nothing left because he was the only thing I'd really cared about for the past year and a half that I'd known him, so when he left he took with him my peace of mind, who I was and my insecurity dove even deeper...that was when I got depressed and learned that I literally had to start again by finding myself, finding who I am and learning to love and accept who I am. Believe me, this is an ongoing process, but ever since I started mine God has been the hand holding me through everything. He's the person that eased my wounds and gave me the compassionate heart to even thinking about forgiving the dude who left and managed to show me how to seperate being IN love with them and still loving them. He's the one who fixed it up that somehow my vocal coach started teaching me again, he gave me a piano for free so it was there and ready for me when I started to learn how to play [long story] but most of all he started to show me I was beautiful without nobody even telling me. Of course, you get the odd man here and there tellin' you you're gorgeous and what not, but that not nor has it ever shook me so all such comments counted as irrelevant...plus it's not what people say that should determin whether you think you're beautiful [not only because people are jam foolish & lyin' all the time] a woman should know she's beautiful in her own right and in her own way.
I started to learn how to love who I am, how to accept who I am and to really bask in your beautifulness, this is something I think every woman needs to learn how to do...I'm not sayin' go around thinkin' your too nice no....NO. Don't EVER do that. But a lady needs to know her worth as a woman, know the things about her that make her unique and get comfortable in it.
But I digress.
I remember when we were first going into 2010 I cried. I cried because 2009 had been such a horrible year and such a fight for me, when really 2009 was in it's own way one of the best years of my life because the amount of growth that passed through my body in 2009 has given me so much wisdom. Sure it hurt, sure at least once a month I cried and definitely had to deal with relapses...but I stand so much stronger now because of it. This year so far, not everything I want to happen may not have happened yet, but I know it will when it's supposed to and I'm well on my way.
From being a woman who was insecure, naive, didn't put myself first, had no real goals or values about life or herself; I'm now a young woman who's very comfortable in her own skin, knows her worth, will always put herself first and am working towards my goals so hard, going back to my first love [music] played a big part in shaping who I am because it also broke me, humility is key when it comes to chasing your dreams or else your lost. I'm determined more than ever to tick off every goal I've set for myself. 
I know the type of woman I am, I know the type of woman I want to be and I know what I want out of life. 
Again, I wanna thank God for being at the forefront of all of this, for all the times he's had to tell me about myself for my own stupidity, all the times he's silently corrected me when I've done something I know I shouldn't have...and for each time he's reminded me that even though I've been feeling at my worst I am still a diamond.
The fact that he orders my steps, the fact that he reminds me all my trauma's are gonna work together for his good, the fact that I can find myself in his word...he's just too much. He's given me so many ephiphany's in the past 6 months, I can't let them go un-aired. 
 For those who actually did read this to the end remember:
With God, you most definitely can believe, achieve and then begin to RECIEVE. He is love for real and he's been the smile on my face on my darkest days. 
He's bringing me my perfect peace and I'm more than ever clinging onto the necessary.
I love you more and more each day, for every hurt, every tear I shed, everytime I feel like giving up...because I know where I am, I know where I'm going.




xoxo