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How did I love you ? I ask myself... but there was only one way I knew how to love you. I'm not in love with you, but I do still love you enough to care.
For an hour you made me feel like you completed me, for thirty minutes you chose to make me feel like a princess, for fifteen minutes you listened to my problems and never once complained, for five minutes you told me how much you loved me... but you lied to me for a year.
Despite this, I still do love you, not in love with you, but I do love you. I care enough to ask how you are, I'm reckless enough to still want to talk, I'll say hi even though I won't get a reply back... it really shouldn't matter, I really shouldn't care, but I do.
You're my worst nightmare come true, my biggest fear personified... forget all the lies and the backwards way you chose to seek attention, the scary part is that I really...for real have no idea who you are, absolutely no idea, the truth could be anything no matter how worrying, yet despite this I still seek it.
I wanted to tell you that I forgave you for what you did. I wanted to ask you what it was that drove you to think you had to do what you did instead of just be yourself, I wanted to know what you're always so scared of because with me you didn't need to be afraid.
I want to thank you for the times when you made me feel like the luckiest, greatest, most loved and cherised woman on earth, because they're the things I'll hold onto forever. I want to thank you for all the times you listened, all the times you asked me "Tell me a story" despite knowing I was going to talk complete nonsense, I have no idea how you felt about me, the things I said or just how genuine you really were, but for a little while you made me feel like I mattered more than anything which was at the time what I needed.
When I fell for you at first, believe it or not your looks had nothing to do with it, yeah I was very immature and my words probably said otherwise but your looks didn't come into it...not once...not really, if they did the day I found out the truth would've been the day my feelings were flushed down the toilet, but it took me almost a year to rid myself of any romantic feelings I felt for you.
If I ever did/said anything to make you feel otherwise, then I do sincerely apologize. I know some of the things I said to you I can't take back because the fact is I said them, but I do want to apologize and hope you can forgive me for them.
I'm not ignorant enough to know that despite your actions you're still every bit as human as I am. Your silence speaks louder than anything you've ever told me and I've had to accept the fact that things are this way. I tried to understand you, but how could I possibly when I never really knew you ?
Our situation has left many unanswered questions, many words left unsaid and a book with no ending in the bookshelf of my life, but maybe the ending has been written and I'm the one that keeps checking back to see ? I don't know...
I have no idea what you feel now or what was on your mind then... the part of me that likes to hope likes to think I did know some of you, but when it boils down to it I knew nothing...the parts of my personality you did manage to grasp weren't exactly the best, I didn't really know myself then & I'm not the same person, but I bet everyone says that.
There's so much I wish I could say, and sometimes the side of me that cared for you the most wishes I could talk to you one last time, but wherever you are and whatever your doing is part of your life...I'm now living mine. I was able to come to accept this as a learning experience and move on.
I don't hate or resent you, truth is I never did...underneath all the hurt, anger, lies and bull I couldn't bring myself to hate you...you breaking me allowed me to be molded into something better, it's from this I found the strength to be able to let go.
I hope life is treating you kind...I really do. I've sent a million emails like this in the past, not really meaning it as much as I mean it now.


Thanks for callin' me "cookie face"


xoxo




- To all my readers...I know this looks really REALLY confusing, but this is something I felt I had to do. I'll never really get the chance to say to this person in question all I want to say to them, so I figured here was the next best thing really to express it...I'm sure there's loads I've missed out, and I know I haven't exactly worded it the best but...it's the best I could do at 2am on codeine excited about being baptized the next day soo...yeah.
I would encourage anybody who's ever been heartbroken by anyone to do this. I'm not saying write it and make it a blog post but to anyone who's ever been heartbroken especially the FIRST time needs to write a letter to their first love...one they don't intend on sending...but sending it anyway. The trending topic "LetterToMyEx" was on twitter a few days back and there was so many things I could say...at first all negative but really...what's the point ? So like I did with my "IHate" post I made it a blog post instead.  The person I wrote this to would probably call me an idiot for writing this as I doubt they care, but I did this for me not them. This person wasn't exactly my ex, but they were the closest thing I've ever come to an ex and love, I long moved on from this situation and make a hell of a lot of jokes about it nowadays, but it doesn't excuse the fact that it happened. I chose to make it a blog post because....yeah that's where I essentially started writing it lol so I thought I might as well post it no ?
To all those checkin' into the heartbreak hotel...be strong. More importantly allow yourself to feel everything, because with sorrow and brokenness comes wisdom...every tear, lost memory and relapse counts...so just hang in there.


xoxo