Go read my tumblr blog, I think I like that one more than I like this one.
Alright so, for those of you who don't know, Cindy a.k.a Cynthia is my best friend. She has been since year 10, she's the jack daniel to my ribs, the cotton to my candy, the sock to my sockS.
So.
Next wednesday I have a date, and I was tellin' her about it on the phone today. I was ranting on and on to her about how I suspect that one of the reasons this guy asked me was because he liked me which already puts us on different pages because I'm going because I want to get to know him [he seems so lovely so far] and in hopes that I can get a really good friend in this time [as mentioned before, single and happy]. So I continued to tell her how I don't mind going on this date but I'm going for different reasons to him & how I don't even know him well enough to know if I like him as a person and blah blah blah.
She then proceeded to tell me to shut up and that if I look at the bigger picture I should realize he's asked me out with him because he wants to get to know ME too and see if I have the qualities to become a great friend, NOT because he wants to slyly put his arm up my skirt in the dark or nothin' and I should realize the type of guy I'm dealing with.
I agreed.
She then just told me to see how everything flows and then after a few more conversations and time well spent at the cinema and when I see him around, I can then begin to assess. After some more small talk about the situation she goes to me. "Anyways, knowing you he would remain just friends with you anyway because you won't allow it to progress." I was like "what...SORRY ?!" because I knew what she was implying. She was touching on the string that she believes is my unshakeable shallowness.
I straight away began to argue my case, I was like "I'm sorry, but you can't be tryna call me shallow after you've SEEN the type of males I have gone for in the past, don't even try it my friend". I launched a full scale attack about how in the past I've gone for some males who have CLEARLY not been my type without giving a damn, so she can't tell me I won't let it progress because of things like how he looks, that the only time I got someone who was beautifulized in my books was the last time.
She stopped me by the time I got to that part and was like "YES ma. The last one was the one that has set the standard for what you will and will not allow now. Ever since him you've made it so that you've set your eyes on your type and if they're not your type then they'll only ever sit in the friend box. This guy [the guy I'm going out with on wednesday] isn't your type, so you'll be more reluctant to let it progress than if he was so don't even try argue".
I was almost stunned into silence. ALMOST. A part of me knew she was right.
I know what my type is... tall [above 6ft please], teddy bear-ish type build [basically the body type that means every time you go to hug them, you're receiving a bear hug], adorable in face, a lil "nerd-like" in dress sense [when I say nerd-like I mean Pharell type nerd], clean looking, nice facial hair and all that good stuff. I know I love a loud personality, a creative mind [preferably a music one too, but this is not a must] and someone who's not afraid to be different i.e break into song and dance with me in the middle of westfield and feel NO shame about it.
That kinda sums up my type, I hope I painted some nice pictures in your mind.
I know that if someone who were my type was to approach me, have a few conversations with me and ask me out to get to know me and enjoy my company, whether or not it would progress in future would definitely cross my mind more than once... now I'm not saying it would be the main focus but I wouldn't mind the thought because they check a lot of my boxes.
Someone who isn't my type may have to work a lil bit harder if they want to move into the "my future" category. That's just me being real. I don't like to think of myself as a shallow person, I'm not the type to completely shun a guy if he doesn't look or act the way I like, I'll always ALWAYS give them a chance and I'll always be friendly... it's just a bit harder for me to think about them moving into the future box if I feel like I'm not compatible with them in many areas. This more touches on the personality aspect rather than the looks aspect... I mean... I can't be there actin' a fool and you're jus' lookin at me smilin, no you need to JOIN IN. Compatibility is important to me and always has been, but the whole point of this blog post is to highlight the fact that in my mind I'm so set on "I just wanna get to know him as a friend, forget that other side first" whereas I know if the guy ticked the majority of boxes of my 'type' there would be a lot of "imagine if's" and "maybe's" running through my mind.
Can you imagine.
And I know I aint the only one.
I know after a while, especially as I mature, 'type' will begin to matter less and less and just how well I get on with them and how much of a great person they are to me will begin to matter more. This is something I know I need to aim at working on changing and I think the same goes for everyone.
But, does having a type make me shallow ? I mean... everyone has a type, it's not wrong is it ? Everyone has what they think their ideal husband or boyfriend will be like in their mind.... but I know this is something I need to do away with and throw in the bin.
Realistically, as a woman grows older her type begins to change and she begins to discover what she really wants in a man... being 20 I'm still quite young so maybe it'll change I dunno...
Thoughts please, tell me if I'm dead ass wrong or if I'm right in having a set type of man and holding the standard ! I've seen many women coming from both side saying things like "It's things like having a 'type' that'll stop you from truly being happy" and I've seen others say things such as "Know what you want in a man and don't settle for less, when you see what you want GRAB IT, aint nothin' wrong with havin' a type and stickin' to it to get the man you want".
I'd love to know what you guys think !
xoxo
"Can I get a day in your life ?
Alicia keys - Unthinkable (written by Drake)
This song touches nerves... especially the first verse. I love it.
"Moment of Honesty
Someone's gotta take the lead tonight
Who's it gonna be ?
I'm gonna sit right her and
Tell you all that comes to me
If you have somethin' to say, you should say it right now"
Speak to me.
xoxo
P.S - My own cover coming soon.
1. I have sickle cell anaemia. This never really was a serious problem for me until I turned 18, life started stressing me out and stuff. There came a point where I was at hospital once a week but I'm slowly learning to manage it. It's painful, it's annoying and I hate the amount of pills I have to pop every day but other than that it doesn't bother me too much. Don't know what it is ? Look it up :o)
Isn't she gorgeous ???
I love her side fro-hawk kinda thing....but that's not the point.
I was reading a post on the "Black girl long hair" blog where a girl pointed out that people nowadays are far too obsessed with curl pattern, then she asked who agreed with her. Several did, several didn't.
I until then hadn't thought about this issue. At all
For those who don't know what I'm on about, every black girl who's hair is unrelaxed has a curl pattern, usually you'll find this curl pattern for black women ranges between loose jeri curl type curls and kinkier than kinky kinks with barely any type of curls just a lot of "z's" in their hair.
At the time when I decided to go natural, I wasn't really thinkin' about what my curl pattern would look like, I had hoped at the time it would come out as bouncy, defined curls but then when I saw my mama take out her weave and wash her hair I saw her Z curl pattern and assumed that was what mine would be like too [it was beautiful though, and very soft...bless her and her few grey strands]. I had then decided that if I wanted a curly look in my hair I would just use twist outs or whatever product would help me get more of what some people call "mixed girl curl".
However, once my hair actually started to grow out [pictures/video up soon] I noticed my hair weren't like hers. My hair has loose wavy curls at the front, its more tightly curled at the back but at the sides it might as well be straight and it might as well be more Z-ish like my mama...so I'm dealin' with like 3 different textures. I then noticed that until I had realized what my natural curl pattern was and thought it was gonna be a Z pattern, I immediately started thinking about ways I could define my curls more, give myself some curl pattern and get the mixed girl curl I was looking for; that was my main concern and I completely forget about my love for big kinky fro's in the first place.
After much deliberation, I decided that the girl who made the comment was right. On youtube I see countless videos of women who will spend up to almost 40 dollars on ONE product to give them some curl pattern then turn around and tell a somebody "Dude, I'll never ever spend so much money on weave ever again pschhhh I'm free from the creamy crack [hair relaxer] burnin' out my money bla bla bla" when at the end of the day, they're spending almost just as much on product to give themselves some curl that they don't have.
What's wrong with kinky hair ? It's ours, we should embrace it. If your hair does not have springy bouncy curls or doesn't curl up the way you want it to then don't force or manipulate your hair too much by spending a crazy amount of money, countless hours and develop "curl envy" because you don't have it. Embrace them Z curls, they're beautiful too ! I went on ONE product haul to find out what works good for my hair, now I know the things I'm probably gonna be using for the rest of my life [unless I come across some of the ones I've been feenin for in the states i.e carols daughter products]. I was mad enough to buy "Kinky curly curling custard" because I was recommended it by a friend however I haven't tried it yet, I want a bit more length first... however I know that unless I have careless money, I won't be buying it again & I'll use something else [probably Ecostyler] as an alternative... you can't beat that price dude.
Another issue that was brought to my attention is that apparently some feel that women who are carrying natural hair feel they are better than women that aren't e.g women that wear weaves, braids, relaxers, texturizes etc etc. This needs to stop.
Being natural is a PERSONAL choice. I have seen some women with relaxed hair that are SO beautiful, I've seen some women carry texturized hair like it's gold. I was in so much danger of falling into this category of "If your hair aint relaxed then your hair aint on point' when it's not even that time of day at all. If a woman chooses to relax her hair then it's her personal decision, no one aint got to push her into it and she shouldn't be looked down on for it either because 99.9% of us who decided to stop using it were all natural before... so shame. That being said, nobody should try push anybody who's trying to go natural into NOT doing it either, discouragement is a big no-no; as said in Bambi "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all" SIMPLE AS.
That being said...men who are relaxing their hair...please...put it down slowly.
For the record: I don't want to put down women who DO do twist outs, use curling custards, IC's, Buttercreme's and hair puddings to define curl. I'm just saying it shouldn't be done in an overboard manner neither should one feel insecure when they're forced to rock their kinky afro's. Curly hair is beautiful in ALL it's forms. This whole curl seperation 4a 3b 2c whatever nonsense is even the cause of problems in the first place because it further problems. Hair is beautiful as hair is...so sometimes let your hair breath and embrace your bad hair days.
That is all
xoxo
P.s - for those of you out there who say that curly hair is not natural hair...you're not serious.
For those of you who aren't aware, I'm a christian. I'm in church every sunday, I sing in not one but two choirs, I read my bible every day, I am a big lover of gospel music and I commit just about everything I do to God. This doesn't make me radical, this makes me a woman after God's own heart.
I just wanted to take this time to write this blog post to thank God for how awesome he is, for those of you who are reading this and you aren't christian, or you don't believe in such things therefore don't want to read...by all means don't. I'm not forcing anyone to read this, infact [at the risk of sounding like the hoodrat children you find in places like facepic] the [x] is right there at the top of the page...click it and be on your way if the idea of me speaking about God detests you so much...but otherwise feel free to read.
It's not even like anything spectacular has happened in my life right now, I'm in the same place I was yesterday, at the risk of tomorrow being the worse day of my life...I just want proudly declare how amazing God is just because of who he is... how much he's done for me, the way he's kept me...the way he's helped me find myself more and more each day. It's not even feeling like I'm having this big burst of happiness either, I just finished reading Kanika's blog and her blog post just made me feel this...insane love for God because of where I am, where I'm going and the fact that he's the reason for all of it.
When I think about my life, my WHOLE life, from my family issues to the car accident to the whole of my primary school/high school experience and every other big or small thing that has somehow effected me in life...& then I think about where I am now, I'm in such awe of where he's brought me too.
What inspired me to write this is just me thinking about how much I love myself now, how he showed me how to love myself and showed me how to really be comfortable in who I am, which is something I didn't really know how to do before. I'd thought in such a negative way about myself all my life, never ever thought I could become anything and after the accident left me looking like a gremlin between the ages of 7 to 17 I didn't even know how to call myself pretty. I never ever aimed for anything that I felt I couldn't reach and I gave up at the first sign of a challenge...this just became who I was and became fixed into my mind for the longest time, I called myself "average" for years and everybody who knew me knew this is what I thought of myself.
Even when I fell in love, my perceptions about myself didn't change. People around me would always tell me what they felt but of course as you all know change starts in the mind and I wasn't allowing myself to change....I almost felt guilty if I ever allowed myself to think well of who I was or how I looked so I stayed negative. I'd also for a long time had the perception that when you fall in love with someone they need to come and "complete" you when this is not the case. So in late 2007 I laid pretty much all of who I was on one soul who didn't even know how to handle their own properly...at the time I didn't know this, not the real depths of it until the middle of '08 and even when it did begin to show I didn't care because I thought we could "fix each other" but how can you try and fix somebody when you're broken yourself ? Who I was was a complete mess. I was deeply insecure, depressed for many reasons one of them being I didn't know what I wanted for my life, my LACK of a life, realizing I was slowly loosing who I formerly knew as myself and I had absolutely nothing going for me; I hated my course at college but was in denial about hating it plus the fact that apart from college I weren't really doing anything else. I didn't go out, I slowly started to care less and less about the things I'd cared about before and the only thing which I really did care about [the guy I was emotionally involved with at the time] was slyly one of the reasons why I had no peace of mind but I wasn't sure why so I held on.
Sidebar: Remember, I was tryin' to help "fix" him therefore I didn't want to let go of him. Everything I thought about was him, his issues, how I could help him out, what was going on etc...completely forgetting about how to care about myself in the process.
When he eventually left, I had nothing left because he was the only thing I'd really cared about for the past year and a half that I'd known him, so when he left he took with him my peace of mind, who I was and my insecurity dove even deeper...that was when I got depressed and learned that I literally had to start again by finding myself, finding who I am and learning to love and accept who I am. Believe me, this is an ongoing process, but ever since I started mine God has been the hand holding me through everything. He's the person that eased my wounds and gave me the compassionate heart to even thinking about forgiving the dude who left and managed to show me how to seperate being IN love with them and still loving them. He's the one who fixed it up that somehow my vocal coach started teaching me again, he gave me a piano for free so it was there and ready for me when I started to learn how to play [long story] but most of all he started to show me I was beautiful without nobody even telling me. Of course, you get the odd man here and there tellin' you you're gorgeous and what not, but that not nor has it ever shook me so all such comments counted as irrelevant...plus it's not what people say that should determin whether you think you're beautiful [not only because people are jam foolish & lyin' all the time] a woman should know she's beautiful in her own right and in her own way.
I started to learn how to love who I am, how to accept who I am and to really bask in your beautifulness, this is something I think every woman needs to learn how to do...I'm not sayin' go around thinkin' your too nice no....NO. Don't EVER do that. But a lady needs to know her worth as a woman, know the things about her that make her unique and get comfortable in it.
But I digress.
I remember when we were first going into 2010 I cried. I cried because 2009 had been such a horrible year and such a fight for me, when really 2009 was in it's own way one of the best years of my life because the amount of growth that passed through my body in 2009 has given me so much wisdom. Sure it hurt, sure at least once a month I cried and definitely had to deal with relapses...but I stand so much stronger now because of it. This year so far, not everything I want to happen may not have happened yet, but I know it will when it's supposed to and I'm well on my way.
From being a woman who was insecure, naive, didn't put myself first, had no real goals or values about life or herself; I'm now a young woman who's very comfortable in her own skin, knows her worth, will always put herself first and am working towards my goals so hard, going back to my first love [music] played a big part in shaping who I am because it also broke me, humility is key when it comes to chasing your dreams or else your lost. I'm determined more than ever to tick off every goal I've set for myself.
I know the type of woman I am, I know the type of woman I want to be and I know what I want out of life.
Again, I wanna thank God for being at the forefront of all of this, for all the times he's had to tell me about myself for my own stupidity, all the times he's silently corrected me when I've done something I know I shouldn't have...and for each time he's reminded me that even though I've been feeling at my worst I am still a diamond.
The fact that he orders my steps, the fact that he reminds me all my trauma's are gonna work together for his good, the fact that I can find myself in his word...he's just too much. He's given me so many ephiphany's in the past 6 months, I can't let them go un-aired.
For those who actually did read this to the end remember:
With God, you most definitely can believe, achieve and then begin to RECIEVE. He is love for real and he's been the smile on my face on my darkest days.
He's bringing me my perfect peace and I'm more than ever clinging onto the necessary.
I love you more and more each day, for every hurt, every tear I shed, everytime I feel like giving up...because I know where I am, I know where I'm going.
xoxo
