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How did I love you ? I ask myself... but there was only one way I knew how to love you. I'm not in love with you, but I do still love you enough to care.
For an hour you made me feel like you completed me, for thirty minutes you chose to make me feel like a princess, for fifteen minutes you listened to my problems and never once complained, for five minutes you told me how much you loved me... but you lied to me for a year.
Despite this, I still do love you, not in love with you, but I do love you. I care enough to ask how you are, I'm reckless enough to still want to talk, I'll say hi even though I won't get a reply back... it really shouldn't matter, I really shouldn't care, but I do.
You're my worst nightmare come true, my biggest fear personified... forget all the lies and the backwards way you chose to seek attention, the scary part is that I really...for real have no idea who you are, absolutely no idea, the truth could be anything no matter how worrying, yet despite this I still seek it.
I wanted to tell you that I forgave you for what you did. I wanted to ask you what it was that drove you to think you had to do what you did instead of just be yourself, I wanted to know what you're always so scared of because with me you didn't need to be afraid.
I want to thank you for the times when you made me feel like the luckiest, greatest, most loved and cherised woman on earth, because they're the things I'll hold onto forever. I want to thank you for all the times you listened, all the times you asked me "Tell me a story" despite knowing I was going to talk complete nonsense, I have no idea how you felt about me, the things I said or just how genuine you really were, but for a little while you made me feel like I mattered more than anything which was at the time what I needed.
When I fell for you at first, believe it or not your looks had nothing to do with it, yeah I was very immature and my words probably said otherwise but your looks didn't come into it...not once...not really, if they did the day I found out the truth would've been the day my feelings were flushed down the toilet, but it took me almost a year to rid myself of any romantic feelings I felt for you.
If I ever did/said anything to make you feel otherwise, then I do sincerely apologize. I know some of the things I said to you I can't take back because the fact is I said them, but I do want to apologize and hope you can forgive me for them.
I'm not ignorant enough to know that despite your actions you're still every bit as human as I am. Your silence speaks louder than anything you've ever told me and I've had to accept the fact that things are this way. I tried to understand you, but how could I possibly when I never really knew you ?
Our situation has left many unanswered questions, many words left unsaid and a book with no ending in the bookshelf of my life, but maybe the ending has been written and I'm the one that keeps checking back to see ? I don't know...
I have no idea what you feel now or what was on your mind then... the part of me that likes to hope likes to think I did know some of you, but when it boils down to it I knew nothing...the parts of my personality you did manage to grasp weren't exactly the best, I didn't really know myself then & I'm not the same person, but I bet everyone says that.
There's so much I wish I could say, and sometimes the side of me that cared for you the most wishes I could talk to you one last time, but wherever you are and whatever your doing is part of your life...I'm now living mine. I was able to come to accept this as a learning experience and move on.
I don't hate or resent you, truth is I never did...underneath all the hurt, anger, lies and bull I couldn't bring myself to hate you...you breaking me allowed me to be molded into something better, it's from this I found the strength to be able to let go.
I hope life is treating you kind...I really do. I've sent a million emails like this in the past, not really meaning it as much as I mean it now.


Thanks for callin' me "cookie face"


xoxo




- To all my readers...I know this looks really REALLY confusing, but this is something I felt I had to do. I'll never really get the chance to say to this person in question all I want to say to them, so I figured here was the next best thing really to express it...I'm sure there's loads I've missed out, and I know I haven't exactly worded it the best but...it's the best I could do at 2am on codeine excited about being baptized the next day soo...yeah.
I would encourage anybody who's ever been heartbroken by anyone to do this. I'm not saying write it and make it a blog post but to anyone who's ever been heartbroken especially the FIRST time needs to write a letter to their first love...one they don't intend on sending...but sending it anyway. The trending topic "LetterToMyEx" was on twitter a few days back and there was so many things I could say...at first all negative but really...what's the point ? So like I did with my "IHate" post I made it a blog post instead.  The person I wrote this to would probably call me an idiot for writing this as I doubt they care, but I did this for me not them. This person wasn't exactly my ex, but they were the closest thing I've ever come to an ex and love, I long moved on from this situation and make a hell of a lot of jokes about it nowadays, but it doesn't excuse the fact that it happened. I chose to make it a blog post because....yeah that's where I essentially started writing it lol so I thought I might as well post it no ?
To all those checkin' into the heartbreak hotel...be strong. More importantly allow yourself to feel everything, because with sorrow and brokenness comes wisdom...every tear, lost memory and relapse counts...so just hang in there.


xoxo

I just wanna say to you guys...

Thank you all so so much for reading, commenting & everything.
It makes me smile to know that people actually read the rubbish that I talk about, even though half of the time it doesn't make sense or it's completely random, you guys still show your love anyway.


Love you all plentyful






xoxo

The big chop.

I did my BC today. Reason being because I was getting tired of transitioning because I couldn't even do it in an appropriate way, dealing with the relaxed middle/front and the regrowth on the sides/back was hard work.
So I chopped it all, I'm not exactly at my TWA stage yet but I'll get there.
The middle still has some straight ends due to the creamy crack but they'll grow out in no time and I'll just take them off with the next trim.
Do I like it ? Yes I do. I've gotten a lot of positive feedback and better yet this means a good 20 minutes is cut off from my getting ready time... good times ahead.


Day I did my BC: Saturday 6th Feb '10


Let's see where I am in a year :o)


xoxo

Have you forgotten that NOBODY is perfect ?

"If you have 12 fingers, flaunt those ten fingers like they were the most beautiful thing in the world & learn to love your insecurities, because God made no mistake when he put them on you" - Pookie.

I'm sorry people, but this rant couldn't wait.

So me & my girl stephanie [Read her blogs' .. www.herlifeandlyrics.com and www.ghanaiangeisha.blogspot.com ] were talkin' this evening about people who expect too much from others and how media has succeeded in hugely deceiving us into expecting to run into the impossible...the type of men/women that are sooo fine runnin' all up and through on tv.

This greatly pisses me off.

I don't get why people suddenly think it's okay to shoot people down for little things such as "Her feet are bigger than mine/his trainers are not on point/her hair isn't long enough" that's not having standards thats just down right shallow talk ; fair enough first impressions matter but little things like that are NOT enough of a reason for you to decide a person is not your time. My most favourite line I've been hearing lately is "I don't go for dark skinned males/females" and if you ask them the reason why they don't have one...it's okay to have preference, but you can't be ignorant forever, if a male or female...whatever their race/skin colour is good looking then you need to appreciate it, not pretend like they're not JUST because they are said race or skin colour. It's stupid.

I watch a lot of guys go on and on about how they think a girl should look and if certain girls don't look that way then they're not worth their time. I'm not surprised to hear that a lot of their descriptions are girls that are damn near impossible to find, they don't seem to understand that carrying this stupid mentality is what's going to keep them from finding anyone that's worth their while, the same goes for girls. If you're going to go around for the rest of your life with the mentality of "I'm not going to be with someone unless they look like *insert almost perfect description here*" then you're living in fantasy land, need to be swiftly slapped by reality and obviously hardcore lacking common sense.

Having standards and being SMART about your standards are two completely different things. Open your eyeballs, the women/men we see on TV have been airbrushed beyond measure, caked in make-up, possibly even sprayed/rubbed down with vaseline so that their skin is lookin' all glistening and what not...but on a normal day they're lookin' ORDINARY and HUMAN like the rest of us. These are two words that mankind need to get back in touch with. People forget that people are only human and are definitely going to have imperfections. You will never EVER find a man/woman who is perfect in every way and has the on par personality to match, it's NEVER done. We all have flaws in and out and it's time we began to accept this and be a little more open minded. The best looking person isn't exactly going to be the person that's going to love you the best...sometimes you may end up with someone a lil' bit lower than your standards and they may make you the happiest person on earth.

Trust, being ignorant and shallow will get you NOWHERE. If it's just because you're on some #OneNightStand or #JustABeat foolishness, then you'll be surprised when you're feelin' empty because you've had enough, the pretty faces are boring & you can't stand their conversation.

Ladies/gentlemen... if you find yourself getting rejected by a man/woman who has made such stupid comments about you don't feel discouraged, they probably weren't even worth half of you anyway. I used to allow the comments of others to greatly make me feel insecure, they didn't even need to be talking about me, just hearing a man I found attractive talk about what he finds attractive and finding that I didn't match that description made me feel very insecure. Made me feel like no one "worth my while" was checkin' for me lol. It took me a very long time to come to a place of acceptance in myself and how I look...I wouldn't say I'm 100% percent comfortable because it does take a good while to get there, but I'm well on my way. So if a person is talkin' about what he/she finds good looking and you find you don't match that description e.g "I like girls with small feet" yet you know you're a size 9, don't be discouraged, because someone will come along that will love ALL of you. At the end of the day you're stuck with yourself, imperfections and all, so you might as well learn to love you right ? No one should ever allow some ANY man/woman that obviously knows nothing about life to make you feel like you shouldn't look like you.

& that's me done for the night.

xoxo

P.S - WHO is shallow hal to be shallow anyways ?! If he was lookin' like taye diggs then YES I can understand...but since he's not...man needs to FALL.BACK. #NuffSaid.

MORE big changes.

Ok so today, I joined a facebook group called "care for your hair".

This group alone, after being in there for 10 minutes, was enough to convince me to finally make the decision of never relaxing my hair again.

I want a TWA [Teeny weeny Afro] ...I want one badly.

If you visit "sheacocoaluv" or "misskrisnew" on youtube you'll see soon enough my loveeee for TWA's...I was carrying one in a weave for a while early last year but now I wanna grow my own.

Relaxers has never really given me any problems [ except burn the hell out of my scalp on occasion and make my hair extra brown ] however, the problems it could possibly give me in the long run...I'm not willing to take the risk. I think it's time to bring my fro back but this time it'll be mine <3

I thank God my hair is already short, because then my transition stage won't be too long. I'm not sure whether or not I have to braid...or I even want to...it's too much work plus I don't mind walkin around with regrowth in my hair, I'm not that far from the stage where I can go do my BC [big chop] and go about my business. Yeah, I know, I'll have to invest a lot of time into my hair in the mornings and I'll have to be extra careful about the products I use, but I don't mind.

I've been considering growing out my hair natural for a whiiiiile, before I decided to start cutting my hair actually...& I was warned from one of my girls about the effects relaxer can have on your hair, but I was keen to experiment with short hair so I carried on. I've always been advised to just go natural, a lot of my girls have told me to do so in the past but I didn't listen cause I didn't think I could maintain it...but I think now it'll look nice, especially when I'm wearing my hoochies [hooped earings].

I'm probably gonna look like I jumped FRESH off the boat comin from Nigeria, plus the fact that for some time I'll be a bit limited as to what I can do to my hair...like I won't be able to do a frohawk until about a year later or something...but I can make it work for me.

Day I decided to stop using relaxer - 20th of January 2010

Let's see where I am this time next year.

xoxo

I love twitter/I Hate's.

I know a few months ago I said I hated twitter & that it was a waste of time & whatever...but ummm *looks around the room* I'm now slightly an addict. Cause of the "Uber twitter" application on my blackberry I tweet most of the day...it's fun :o) Lol plus I catch serious entertainment off other people's tweets & it's a good way to network, the thing that keeps me readily lovin' twitter though are the trending topics a.k.a TT's. My favourite one so far has been " #worstlies" I had a field day with that one...which brings me to my blog post.

Today I found the littlest things pissin' me off, upon thinking about them I came up with loads of lil' pet peeves & I wanted to TT all on twitter...but you only get 140 characters & it's annoying cause you can't really rant like you'd like...so I decided to blog about them..twitter style :o)

*clears throat*

#IHate - Racists. Whether you're racists to white or ethnic groups in general it's stupid. Get over it. The funny thing is if you ask racists WHY they hate that particular race 99.9% of the time they have no real reason. It's just pure foolishness. Prayer is needed.

#IHate - Religion bashers. How can you insult a God that you don't know ? How can you make such accusations about God when you don't know anything about him ? Take a seat, you're obviously confused about life. Whether you're in a religion, dont have one or believe that God is just "there", be respectful to those who DO believe in something, even if you don't believe the same.

#IHate - People who sit on the bus opposite me and pick their nose. It's disgusting. For goodness sake is the booger in your nose disturbing you SO badly to the point that you have to dig like you've never dug before up your nose hole in PUBLIC ? My God, please wait till you get home or at least out of my FACE & don't eye me up & down when I give you a dirty look because of what you're doing. It's nasty.

#IHate - Noisy "youts" on the bus. I know I used to be one of them..hell if anything I made the MOST amount of noise...but is what you're talking about SO exciting that everyone has to hear your conversation ? Hear one girl today "Truesay yeah my man's bloodset and my brothers cripset so that would make me half bloodset half cripset SICK ALIE"....I don't have anything to say in response to such foolishness.

#IHate - The conceited. I have expressed my dislike for them in a previous blog post so...yez.

#IHate - Closet gays. Bruv if you're gay let everyone know and live your life ! Don't go & live a lie get married have kids and then be cheatin' on your wife with Devon next door...allow the eastenders movement. It's not necessary...at all.

#IHate - Texts before 10am. If you know I'm gonna be at home how can you possibly think I'm going to be awake ? Unless I'm going somewhere or we have plans I do not RISE from my bed until 10:30am EARLIEST...so don't be textin' my phone & expect a reply until after 11.

#IHate - Guys who'll tell you they like you after a week of talkin' to you. Obvious rubbish, do I look like I was born yesterday ? Please carry that talk elsewhere. When you manage to gain some sort of common sense come back and talk to me.

#IHate - The ignorance of a person in love. I know it's inevitable and we've all been there...hell I've been there & I can probably be accused the MOST of this...but if a situation is clearly not good for you and you're crying more than your smiling because of someone that keeps CONSTANTLY hurting you...then no...that person isn't good for you and you need to BOUNCE. From when you can step outside the situation and look at it as "If my friend was in this situation what would I be tellin them" & know you'd be tellin them to leave, then you need to go.

#IHate - Man-hoes. You lot cause too many problems. Stop it. It's nazty.

#IHate - People who choose to live in ignorance. Now, because of an old friend I was once a big Zeitgeist fan but eventually not so much due to the fact that they don't support religion, but they raise some very good points, get your brain on. I'm not saying you must believe everything, but don't dismiss everything.

#IHate - Girls that choose to wear skirts/shorts with no tights in the DEAD of winter...ya mad ?

#IHate - Men who'll make women think that making a man wait for her is a madness...Ya mad ?! like I said man-skets are not the one.

#IHate - Materialistic individuals...simply because I don't really care about that stuff lol.

#IHate - When people feel that they have to lie to me to get to know me...come at me as you are & we'll give getting to know each other a try, if not then it just wasn't meant to work, it doesn't necessarily mean you have the problem.

#IHate - Falling out of love. It hurts and it's LONG.

#IHate - Bumlicks. [No Kendra-ings].

#IHateWithZEST - Natalie from bad girls club. Nuff said.

xoxo

I caved...

& joined formspring !!!

www.formspring.me/butterfly89

Ask me ANYTHING you want & I'll most definitely reply :o)...unless of course your question is one of pure jam foolishness...then you'd have to get airtime.

Lots of love

xoxo