Merry Christmas everyone <3

I didn't wanna be cliche' & post the picture of a tree, so ya know.

Anyway merry christmas to everyone, hope you all had an amazing day :o)

Being the birthday girl [yesss my birthday is on christmas day *throws my neeky glasses on that I teefed from the cinema when I went to see Avatar 3D* so I did infact have a good day today...I can't post any pics due to the fact that I can't find my USB link for my camera...hard times...but I'm sure theres 1 or 20 pics of me on facebook of me SLIPPIN' in my pyjama's again.

Love all my readers, even you silent ones <3

xoxo

I'm good.

Tonight me & my girl skipped down memory lane, but this time down my memories.

Every now and then we have a lil session like this, where we just sit back & laugh about our past stupidness & embarrassing behaviours but today we talked about something that had originally caused me pain.

I can say for the most part that I am extremely happy that I was able to laugh about it. This is a situation that for the longest while I'd refrained from talking about or mentioning with anyone nor had I ever gotten as deep into the memories as I did tonight. However today I went...well...almost all out [I say almost because we're tired now & need to sleep] so we had to cut it short at a certain point... but I had so much fun.

It was silly lol, and it was good to laugh about how silly I've been in the past when it came to my actions and my state of mind. I was nowhere near as angelic as I made out or people thought I was, I wasn't thinking or as wise as I thought I was at the time...& the way I seriously went all out...it was quite hilarious, so for the past hour it's just been pure giggles and "oh my gosh's" at my own stupidity.

The point of this whole blog is...I thought that in this situation I'd never be at a place where I could laugh about it the way I did tonight and it means a lot to be. Even though at the time I thought that it'd be too delicate for me to ever talk about as well as me thinking that I wouldn't ever be able to get over it, tonight proved me wrong. I was touching on areas I thought I'd long dusted under the rug or forced myself to forget, I was laughing about things that would've any other time brought tears to my eyes, all this shows me just how far I've come...because I don't hurt anymore even though the situation was so painful.

Fair enough, I still struggle for peace of mind sometimes, it's a shame how things turned out and there were certain parts that I seriously could've avoided but at the end of the day...now I'm laughing...and I'm glad.

I also wanted to use this as a time to encourage someone who's going through their own hurts and probably don't think they'll ever be able to come out of it & laugh about it. Trust me when I say you will, it may take a while...you'll cry a lot and for a while you'll be a brick but trust me, eventually when a person is fully able to let go of something & move on despite the outcome of a situation, eventually it falls into the category of things that are just the past. We're all human, we're all hurt, but as long as we're still standing we can move on.

Sending all my love

-xoxo

More Changes.

What's goodie ?

So today, I thought of a few changes that need to be made in my life. & no. I'm not on this "2010 I'm gonna start doin this & this" business, my changes are gonna start from now.

I had a lot of fun with my hair today, so I decided for about a year or so I'm gonna keep it short, I'm in no rush to grow it out at all plus it suits the look I'm goin' for...so no more braids of weave for a looooong time.

I've also decided to get three more piercings. This was inspired by the fact that the back of my top piercing closed up today & I'm too chicken to push through the covered skin with the stud on my own...I mean...that CAN'T be safe can it ? *shudders thinking about it* no no no no no. I decided I was gonna take my ass to Claire's tomorrow and see what I can do about it...& while I'm at it why not get three more ? This will mean in total I have about...8 ? Yes some family members may have a stroke seeing THAT and YES I am crazy for piercing the other side of the top of my ear knowing how much it KILLED last time...but who cares ? Once it heals it'll look great. Plus I don't plan on piercing anywhere on my face...belly button or anything...so I just want to enjoy this alright ?! *Rolls my eyes at the thought of family reactions* Cheeyz man it's not like it's my nipple or anything.

I've also decided I'm gonna push out a few more people from my life. Making the decision to switch from Art to music and seeing who supported me through it really made me realize who my friends are, those who believe in my dreams and those who think I'm wasting my time...at least now I know who I value and who believes in me.

Better yet still, I've discovered, if not for the fact that it's so cold outside, that I LOVE to be outside. Of course, I'm not a "road gyal", I won't be outside aimlessly doing nothing...but I like going places, I love to be busy. I've realized when I sit at home and I'm not doing much [if I'm not practicing] I get irritated...I need to be OUT somewhere doing something productive. Sure enough every once in a while you need the day to just relax and be you in your pjamz watching cartoons & eating things that'll spoil you from the inside out...but I just love it when I come home late and I'm too tired to do anything else and then just sleep, it's awesome times cause I know I'm one step closer to where I need to be. So I've decided to throw myself into a bunch of things that'll keep my weekdays as full as ever, now that I'm on a gap year I can pretty much do whatever I want...so I'm gonna use that time to better myself.

Finally, I'm considering going to America for uni...it's been pushed in my face so I figure I should take it right ? It's a big risk and a big change but it could also bring great things. It would mean a fresh start...which I know I need...it would mean a clean slate, not that I have anything to run from but it would be a "forward ever" kinda thing...I dunno, I just see big opportunities. Plus as a musician it would be great for me to really flourish properly there would it not ? I know I need to step my game waaay up before then, but still thinking of how much I could learn, grow and enjoy myself over there just makes me want to be there more and more. The only thing holding me back is that I wouldn't want to miss out on anything here, but as it stands right now there isn't anything I would be SERIOUSLY leaving behind that I wouldn't be able to start again once I get there sooo.....SAT exams ? Yes ?

All these thoughts were inspired by the fact that I went to get new glasses today, my eyes are getting better so they gave me a different prescription & I got to pick new glasses :o)

Till next time

xoxo

P.S - I'm back on Twitter...I dunno how the hell this happened but find me here

-xo

Great day, thoughtful evening.

Hey all, I'll start off first by saying I had an amazing day today. Went up to Nottingham & performed with my choir at the SDA church. Was it an amazing performance ? Best believe mate. Soprano's we're doin this as usual [dun know], alto's sounded amazing, tenors were on this...altogether it was great & we did what we were supposed to do anyway which was glorify God. Despite the few dirty stares from the old ladies due to our clapping, dancing and raising of hands, it was a really good night. I had a hell of a lot of fun, will definitely post pics tomorrow.

So, the reason I chose to write this blog was because I was reading one of my girl's one that she made to vent her feelings and frustrations prior to her recent breakup & I've never seen her get so bare and real in all the time I've known her. She was actually very open and honest with herself and those who may come across it [this is actually one of the best ways to deal with a breakup as lying to yourself never gets you anywhere & the hurt only digs itself in deeper] and I think she was being very brave in doing so. This then set me back to thinking about my own...well the closest thing I've ever had to a break up, it reminded me of one of my favourite lines from Sara Bareilles - Between the lines [yeah we all know I'm a fan] and it goes:

"I tell myself, all the words he surely meant to say

I'll talk until, the conversation doesn't stay on

'Wait for me I'm almost ready'...when he meant let go"

It's the last line exactly that used to hit the hardest. This is due to the simple fact that people make it a habbit of leading other people on and I'm just like...why ? what exactly are you getting out of it ? All you're really doing is giving yourself unnecessary headache plus stress AND setting the other party involved up for some serious heartbreak. If you don't love someone, why say it ? If you fall OUT of love with someone why don't you tell them ? I mean why play games ? Thing is, it makes things a hell of a lot easier to be honest, it really does, it may not look that way at the time but it makes it a million times worse when you get FOUND OUT than when you come clean. You aren't going to die after telling the truth neither will the other party involved, but at least then you can walk away knowing you were honest.

To this day I really don't understand it, it's ridiculous...I've seen this happen to so...SO many people time and time again & it's just so...soo UNNECESSARY. If you know someone likes you a hell of a lot more than you like them & you're not on it then you give it to them straight then you bounce, simple as. People will argue with me that it's not that easy but it honestly really is, unless you really didn't care in the first place...in that case you're just clearly on a madness.

It puts you in a painful place to know that you loved someone with everything you had yet they never loved you in the first place, but what's worse is that they pretended like they did.

In my opinion now, a person should only allow themselves to fall in love with someone ONCE. Falling in love more than one time aint what they make it look like in films. Because at the end of the day when you love someone that you have no real future with you completely disregard the fact that one day you guys are going to break up & after you've finished making that person your everything & giving them your heart...when they leave you're left with all this pain & a piece of your heart missing that you will never get back. I know people say "you can't help who you fall in love with" and believe me I know...but I beg you be smart about the decision, no one should give their heart to anyone unless they know for a damn fact what they're doing...there is NOTHING wrong with playing hard to get or keeping your guard up, because it's when a person is willing to take away the shield and be like "Look, I'm here, I aint goin' nowhere so you might as well drop this nonsense & let me have you" that you know they're the real deal.

I know this blog probably makes little sense, & it's a bit random...but my hand has been on my chin a lot this evening...so I thought I'd share, even though it sounds more like a rant lol.

-xoxo

Butterflies on the cross.

So today I drew this. This was inspired when I was listening to Carolinexoxo as she was singing "Turn your lights down low" [ her earlier version ] and as she was making her riffs and runs I felt the need to draw, so I did.

But I've dropped the pencil now.

Meaning I'm no longer a Graphic Design student.

A lot of people have asked me why I've decided to drop Art & Design as my major & it's for these reasons here.

- I like Art, don't get me wrong I really do. I love to draw...just not the way universities demand from you. I was trying to kid myself for a while that it's what I'm passionate about and I love it but that's not the case & lying to yourself only throws you into a deeper whole. Art & Design [ specifically graphic design because that's what I was doing ] is a course that demands a hell of a lot of your time and patience, you need to literally BREATHE the subject if you're going to really excel in it, have dreams about it at night and allsorts cause it needs to be IN you...& i'm just not like that about it at all [ It took me going up to a Nottingham Trent University open day to realize this ].

- So from there I thought....omdz... I actually have a serious problem cause I've just realized I don't want to do Graphic design anymore...but then I had a talk with Hope & she asked me what I'm passionate about and what I see myself doing, at that moment I looked over at my piano and I said...."this....". Then we ended up launching into like an hours discussion about me changing my whole career aspects and what it is I want to do with my life & the goals that would be necessary for me to reach in order for me to get there. This was about...a month ago or so and at the time everything she was saying looked damn near impossible...so I was still stuck.

- 2 weeks later and after seeking council from a lot of the loved ones in my life, I decided to go for it. Now a month later here I am, sending off my application form to take my grade exams in Piano & vocal, filling out my UCAS on my own, finding references and reviewing how the hell I'm gonna structure my personal statement. Part of a brand new choir [ The shebach choir, performing in Nottingham on the 12th of Dec ], Getting CONSTANT links into the gospel industry through my girl Mabel a.k.a May [ if you don't know her, get to know her, shes a dime ] & last night I think was one of the most amazing nights I've had in a long time. Nothing special happened, but May took me to her youth church she usually sings at [ where I was really really blessed so to speak ] & I met so many amazing people who are in love with this side of the creative arts too. I met actors, dancers, spoken word artists, singers, songwriters & musicians and I was just absolutely blown away by them, the fact that I fit right in shifted something in me.

I'm now involved in a hell of a lot of projects & workshops that I'm gonna be constantly in from now till September, I'm still always in training especially cause I'm quite new to this...I came up with the "Butterflies on the cross" thing because of my new-ness. See, May calls those who are up and coming " Butterflies" so I was branded as a butterfly yesterday & the cross thing signifies in my life that everything I'm doing I'm doing it for my God, because I owe it all up to him. I wouldn't even be where I am today if not for him. I've been so ill for the past month or so but in the midst of all that I've somehow found the strength to not STAY down, realize my dreams ARE in reach and make the necessary movements & set the necessary goals to reach them.

[ Also, I just want to make it clear. I do not repeat DO NOT want to be in the mainstream music industry. Oh no. The industry is a HOT MESS and I would never ever place myself in the midst of all that. I know where I'm going and I know what I want to be. I'm just doing what I need to do in order to get there ]

I'm currently working towards taking my grade 6 Piano exam and my grade 8 vocal exam, I'm scared as hell but I know I can do it if I focus.

I'm gonna be part of a bunch of courses from January, all contributing towards my training in the necessary areas, so my foundation year has to go.

My weeks are very busy, and my schedule is always full but I love it that way. I love it because it's productive AND I'm enjoying it, it's what I'm passionate about. I never ever in a million years thought I would get to where I am now...I have a life. A life that's mine and no one else's, A life where it's just me & God & where I no longer care about silly things like having a boyfriend or unnecessary friends, I'm trying to keep it relevant, I can thankfully say I'm on a "Wasteman get behind thee" movement [ courtesy of Kanika Ess ] & I can hold my own for as long as I need to.

As the year is almost over, I realize just how far I've come in the space of 12 months. I'm almost 20 & I've finally got me back. I know there's still a lot I need to learn, still so much more I need to grow and my road is still long, but I can get there, I know I can... no BODY can ever try tell me otherwise.

Have a good night all

xoxo

Hmm...cuuuuuuuuuurious...

Ok question :

Do you think there's one select person made out there for all of us ? Or do you think love is what you make it ?

I'm on the fence. I think that love is what you make it, but then again if you can make it work with someone and the relationship ends up perfect for you then doesn't that mean that person is right for you and no one else ? The bone of your bone ? Your Adam/Eve ?
I think people are too quick to jump into relationships then end up hurt due to lack of patience, but if it's done right, if you're both on the same page, you obviously feel so strongly about this person & you seem to just fit in a way that you can spend the rest of your life with that person....then that's you right there right ?
I think as usual it's all a waiting game, but when you've found that person that you know is perfect for you as in DON'T GET NO BETTERRRRR & you dun know you won't ever wanna be with anybody else...then that's your one.

Just a thought.

xoxo

Write me a letter, not an email.

Ahhhh, love letters. Love letters. Lurrrv letters. I love them. I love them because they mean so much more recieving a letter that took time to write than taking the 20minutes to punch in a few keys on the computer. I love it when you see all the cross outs, the underlines, the chicken scratch handwriting cause they eventually got tired...that means more than any email in my books.
I dunno if I'm the only person who still loves the idea of love letters, but if I am so be it.

I was reading Christiana's blog earlier on today [ I refer to her so casually because I'm sure you all know of her already ] and I was reminded of an earlier blog she wrote called "Bringing back natural interactions" [ at least I think it was called that anyway ]. This blog stirred something in me, cause I've always been a big fan of letters, post it's, notes, lunch dates etc.
Even though I have no problems with calling someone because sometimes it really is necessary I just think sometimes a visit is more appropriate...a lunch date... go see a movie together...something ? All these things over time have been so slyly replaced by :
- Texts
- BBm & iChat
- Facebook/Myspace/Twitter
- Phone calls
- Voicemails even @_@
- Skype etc etc
Even though I'm guilty of using these...very guilty actually because some people you just DON'T want to see face to face, you should never get no wrapped up in it that you get addicted so you have virtually no time for yourself or end up spending no REAL time with anybody else.
[ This used to be one of my biggest problems, but over the course of this year I've come to realize life begins to literally pass you by, even when you're in the presence of other people you're still possibly texting someone else, or your phone rings, or your BB messenger goes off or something ].

I dunno, call me old fashioned, but I just find it means so much more to go that extra mile, you know ?

xoxo