I haven't posted on here in ages...

This is because I've been on tumblr. I have two :o)
I don't usually share the second link, but because I get pretty personal on this page anyway I don't mind.


The first one, which is a bit more light is : www.natureal-music.tumblr.com
The second one, which is definitely very personal is : www.epiphanybox.tumblr.com


The reason I'm on tumblr more is just because I guess it's so much easier to post on there, and I've had so many issues with blogspot erasing my posts I got fed up, but I love this page, it has so much about my journey that I forgot on here, so I'm gonna keep it, and attempt to post on here a little bit more.
I hope you guys have had a fantastic year so far.

I love you guise :o)  xoxo

November update

So what gives me joke is the fact that one of my eyebrows is perfect and the other looks like it got hacked by a blind man.

Never again will I get my eyebrows threaded in ealing.

Is it ever really worth the risk ?

So, yet again Christiana has written yet another inspiring blog post about "How to get over someone" and of course she had me doin' my "church nod" and "harmony hands" but she also got me thinking.
She raised a lot of good points about the time period it takes to get over someone, how everyone heals in their own time and how you just have to get on with it rather than thinking you should be over it too early on then getting frustrated when you're not [relapses are not the one].
However.
One point she had stuck with me and made me think. She basically said that when we're over it and we've dusted off our shoulders, we vow to never love again as hard and as wrecklessly as we did but as soon as the next mr smooth comes along all of that flies away like the wind. We find ourselves taking the risk and most of the time allowing ourselves to fall in love knowing that it could ever make us to break us, and I'm thinking... mate... is it really worth the risk ? Because more often than not, it's not.
See, I think it's foolishness to get into a relationship and give your all knowing full well it may not be permanant, but then at the same time if you never take the risk to fall in love with someone, how will you ever know if they're yours ?
It's all just so messy, because at the same time no one wants to be the bag lady who keeps all her walls up and refuses to love a perfectly good man properly because of the mistakes of the last fool, the problem is though how can we be damn sure that the person we're with is gonna bring us undeniable happiness ? things are ALWAYS rosy and beautiful in the beginning, but how do we know that's going to last ?
This is my problem.
I don't want to give myself away to someone who's on some dr jekyll mr hyde garbage and in the end I'm left with someone else havin' a piece of my heart in their pocket, it's not even that time of day out here. But I also don't want to miss out on someone special because of my fear of getting hurt and being left with nothing, it's all so beautiful to want to love with your all and really drown in the love of someone else, so what are we to do ? For someone like me who's single, this is torture, because you're forever scared, cautious and wondering. If a man is playing games it all eventually comes out on it's own, but the games always come out just when you're starting to get a 'lil excited and giggly about someone, there's only so many times you can take this happening before you decide to snap.
My whole thing is, not to put all my eggs in one basket until I see a ring, but sometimes even when you see a ring a whole lot of mess can still happen. All in all, you're always going to be hurt by the one you love, always, even when you're married, I think we just have to try and make sure we're being hurt by the right person and not permanantly damaged by the wrong one.

- xoxo

Neglect.

I'm so so sorry that I haven't been blogging for the LONGEST time. Best believe, my life has been crazy since I last dropped anything.
Family issues, school issues, issues EVERYWHERE.
I'm moving out on the 18th and I'm trying to be positive about the type of people I'm possibly going to meet, Lord knows my last halls experience wasn't the best. 
I'm overly excited about my course, I'm a lil' scared due to my lack of skill but I'm going there to learn right ? I'm looking forward to what I'm about to dive into anyway.
Also, I've decided to move away next year, but I'll discuss that more once I look into it.
My life right now is crazy, and no I'm not in a good place, but I'm trying.
The little things keep me smiling everyday, so as long as I'm still breathing I guess I'm taking each day one step at a time.


Oh. I also went to Houston, Tx and let me tell you the experience I had was enough to make me want to never go back ever again. It's not that I don't like Houston, the people are lovely and I've met some good people out there... but my auntie...well... boi...


Anyway, I'll make more of a conscious effort to post more, even though I'm on tumblr more something about blogspot makes me like <33333333


My hair's growing :o)


xo

Ramblings & RANT. [reblogged from my tumblr account]

It's been one HELL of a long time, so I thought I'd give you guys some lovely insight as to what's vexing me at this particular point in time.


Man.
Today was NOT ON. It was such a BEAUTIFUL day outside, absolutely gorrrrrrrrrgeous...
and I stayed in.
Can you believe it, I.stayed.in. :|


:|


Now it's not like I'm some HOODRAT child who roams on road for no apparent reason, no that's not nor has it ever been me. But I've been hyping about a day like today was for soooooooo long, ever since winter came along & was making me CONSTANTLY sick I've been waiting patiently for summer. I vowed once it was here I would enjoy and be out almost EVERYDAY that it was hot. 


But today I stayed in.


My "friends" are so ghey. NO ONE wanted to do anything. Best believe I was READY. As soon as I came out of the shower, my playsuit was just looking at me like "wear me" & I was soooo on it, but there was nowhere to go :o(

Someone suggested I go to the park and write, which was great... but then I remembered there are too many insects and I'm not on any of them "accidentally" flying into my mouth.
Then someone suggested I take a stroll, but that wasn't good enough because I wanted to be out and stay out until evening breeze came.
Then someone was like "Why don't you go hyde park?" and I almost keeled over. Hyde park ? Please. The amount of goons and waste cadets that pack themselves into hyde park during the summer, no thanks, it's just an excuse for idiots to vex my life. 
So instead I spent the day on the piano, singing and disturbing my little sister - which I guess was fun, but not productive enough for me or in anyway as edifying as I would've liked. Jam session ? Yes please.


After talking to my friend, I established that I need brand new people in my life. I need, not necessarily people that'll overwhelm me with extreme intelligence and music genius, oh no. I just need people who are jokes enough to make me blow snot bubbles on a regular.


Random: Snot bubbles are MY thing. I don't blow them, I haven't done so since I was like 10, but like, it's what I'll say when I'm trying to emphasize how funny something is/isn't/should be.


I was reading a blog by this lady the other day, and she was talking about how she doesn't go raving much because of how people behave all up in the club [bare unnecessary touching] and how she prefers when people get together and dance OLD SCHOOL. & I couldn't agree with her more ! Call me old fashioned, but all the whinin & grindin business with someone that aint your man/you've never met has never ever been my thing. Nowadays no one barely wants to break into a simple skank & just shack out together, everyone's either on daggering or all that mad foolishness that's just a waste of my time. I'm not stuck up, I just would prefer if some fool weren't all rubbin' up on me when I'm simply tryna enjoy my night out. Old school dances and things like the "cha cha slide" or "cupids shuffle" may be a lil' too much, but thats my idea of just crackin' pure joke on the dance flo' unless it's for joke with friends. Standard. 


Raving is dead out and over rated anyway.


WHERE ARE ALL THE LIKE MINDS ?!
In general as I've expressed before, I need for something NEW to happen in my life.
I need big big BIG change.
I need to get in with people who share similar interests, goals and aren't afraid to break into damb song & dance in public when they know they're CHOON is playin in the store or wherever they're at like YES. Random, silly, unnecessary moments are MY KIND OF MOMENTS ALL THE TIME <3


I mean, I went on a date the other day & all I can say is :|.
Without slagging this person off, I'll say, I could've had a better time by my self.My idea of a perfect date real talk is, I don't mind where you take me be it to the cinema, out to eat, somewhere random that I'd never usually go I don't mind, as long as you can get me to be comfortable, have fun & laugh a hell of a lot I'm SOLD. Spending unnecessary money to go somewhere flashy won't make me bat an eyelid. Lots of talking + stitches + food + comfortableness = perfection !
This is not what I got the other day.


Plus, it looks like for the next FOUR [yes not three, four] years I'm gonna be at uni.
This is not what I had planned at ALL. I wanted to be done by three years tops, but this is evidently not going to be the case. 


*sigh* my life.
But I thank God, because I don't have any hardcore problems, I'm relatively the healthiest I've been in a long time, I'm going on holiday soon AND I've gotten into the uni I wanted... maybe the long way but I still got in.


All this *points upwards*... all this is just all so very annoying.
I need to do another self evaluation and re-organize my priorities, plus I need a plan of action, because the way things are right now aren't exactly cutting the cheese. 
That is all.
xo

Black Birdie.

http://blackbirdieblogs.blogspot.com/


This blog, is the hugest dose of reality I've gotten in a long time. The always lovely Christiana posted up the link on twitter to the blog, apparently the author is bipolar, so this blog is a look into her mind.
It's things like these that make me remember, life is so much bigger than me. But my life is mine.


God bless her man, I really applaud her for being able to be so honest & real about her feelings.


xoxo

Ramblings.

The other day I had a gig with my choir "The shabach singers". It was the second one this month actually & I overly enjoyed myself on both occasions.
However, upon being back and having had fun at both gigs, my mind, as always, is left in a state of mess.
The first issue comes from the fact that all of last week and a little bit of the week before, I was crushing on someone... as in my mind was not successfully able to just STAY on me - I really didn't like this, but I knew it'd pass. Now that it's over, the side of me that wants to fall in love, has woken up, and it's wrestling with the part of me that doesn't.


Problem.


I still have such a long way to go, this setback of "I wanna fall in love" isn't doin' it for me. At all. I know I'll be over it in a few days, but the fact that I feel like this right now is gettin' to me. I know all the reasons why I need to be single right now, and these reasons are enough for me to stay single until someone worth my time comes along. Until this event happens, I'm desperate to keep chasing my dreams, keep my eyes on God & continue to love and get to know myself, I don't have time for no foolishness.


Next issue. After an interesting conversation with my friend tonight, my mind was thrown back into my past. I was reminded of how naive I was three years ago and how I reaped the consequences of this naivety for over a year afterwards. Every lady has her own moments of weakness and mine happened to come in the form of a man. I cared about him way too much and never gave a second thought on how to consider myself first. I didn't love myself enough to say no, but I loved him enough to say yes... to everything. I feel no bitterness, because what almost diminished who I was completely has made me bloom and I only went upwards from there. When you hide behind the pretense of being someone else, you never really discover who "you" is, you never really learn what's great about you so that other's can learn it too. I don't have any regrets, because once the pain was over I was left with valuable lessons that I wouldn't have learned any other way. Instead, I'm left with a few questions and a whole lot of memories... some of the memories good, some bad, but they all contribute to make me and my experiences. I'm free of it, and that's where I aimed to get to.


Sometimes though I can't help but wonder. I can't help but wonder about the face behind all my pain, I wonder if they stayed the same or if they tried to do better too.


You know it's nights like these, I'm glad I have antihistamines because I know when I wake up in the morning I won't give a damn about any of this.


xoxo