_Keez Complicity

I haven't posted on here in ages...

2011-07-23T11:32:00.000-07:00

This is because I've been on tumblr. I have two :o)
I don't usually share the second link, but because I get pretty personal on this page anyway I don't mind.

The first one, which is a bit more light is : www.natureal-music.tumblr.com
The second one, which is definitely very personal is : www.epiphanybox.tumblr.com

The reason I'm on tumblr more is just because I guess it's so much easier to post on there, and I've had so many issues with blogspot erasing my posts I got fed up, but I love this page, it has so much about my journey that I forgot on here, so I'm gonna keep it, and attempt to post on here a little bit more.
I hope you guys have had a fantastic year so far.

I love you guise :o) xoxo

November update

2010-11-30T12:20:00.000-08:00

So what gives me joke is the fact that one of my eyebrows is perfect and the other looks like it got hacked by a blind man.

Never again will I get my eyebrows threaded in ealing.

Is it ever really worth the risk ?

2010-09-22T15:51:00.000-07:00

So, yet again Christiana has written yet another inspiring blog post about "How to get over someone" and of course she had me doin' my "church nod" and "harmony hands" but she also got me thinking.
She raised a lot of good points about the time period it takes to get over someone, how everyone heals in their own time and how you just have to get on with it rather than thinking you should be over it too early on then getting frustrated when you're not [relapses are not the one].
However.
One point she had stuck with me and made me think. She basically said that when we're over it and we've dusted off our shoulders, we vow to never love again as hard and as wrecklessly as we did but as soon as the next mr smooth comes along all of that flies away like the wind. We find ourselves taking the risk and most of the time allowing ourselves to fall in love knowing that it could ever make us to break us, and I'm thinking... mate... is it really worth the risk ? Because more often than not, it's not.
See, I think it's foolishness to get into a relationship and give your all knowing full well it may not be permanant, but then at the same time if you never take the risk to fall in love with someone, how will you ever know if they're yours ?
It's all just so messy, because at the same time no one wants to be the bag lady who keeps all her walls up and refuses to love a perfectly good man properly because of the mistakes of the last fool, the problem is though how can we be damn sure that the person we're with is gonna bring us undeniable happiness ? things are ALWAYS rosy and beautiful in the beginning, but how do we know that's going to last ?
This is my problem.
I don't want to give myself away to someone who's on some dr jekyll mr hyde garbage and in the end I'm left with someone else havin' a piece of my heart in their pocket, it's not even that time of day out here. But I also don't want to miss out on someone special because of my fear of getting hurt and being left with nothing, it's all so beautiful to want to love with your all and really drown in the love of someone else, so what are we to do ? For someone like me who's single, this is torture, because you're forever scared, cautious and wondering. If a man is playing games it all eventually comes out on it's own, but the games always come out just when you're starting to get a 'lil excited and giggly about someone, there's only so many times you can take this happening before you decide to snap.
My whole thing is, not to put all my eggs in one basket until I see a ring, but sometimes even when you see a ring a whole lot of mess can still happen. All in all, you're always going to be hurt by the one you love, always, even when you're married, I think we just have to try and make sure we're being hurt by the right person and not permanantly damaged by the wrong one.

- xoxo

Neglect.

2010-09-03T12:47:00.000-07:00

I'm so so sorry that I haven't been blogging for the LONGEST time. Best believe, my life has been crazy since I last dropped anything.
Family issues, school issues, issues EVERYWHERE.
I'm moving out on the 18th and I'm trying to be positive about the type of people I'm possibly going to meet, Lord knows my last halls experience wasn't the best.
I'm overly excited about my course, I'm a lil' scared due to my lack of skill but I'm going there to learn right ? I'm looking forward to what I'm about to dive into anyway.
Also, I've decided to move away next year, but I'll discuss that more once I look into it.
My life right now is crazy, and no I'm not in a good place, but I'm trying.
The little things keep me smiling everyday, so as long as I'm still breathing I guess I'm taking each day one step at a time.

Oh. I also went to Houston, Tx and let me tell you the experience I had was enough to make me want to never go back ever again. It's not that I don't like Houston, the people are lovely and I've met some good people out there... but my auntie...well... boi...

Anyway, I'll make more of a conscious effort to post more, even though I'm on tumblr more something about blogspot makes me like <33333333

My hair's growing :o)

xo

Ramblings & RANT. [reblogged from my tumblr account]

2010-05-22T19:13:00.000-07:00

It's been one HELL of a long time, so I thought I'd give you guys some lovely insight as to what's vexing me at this particular point in time.

Man.
Today was NOT ON. It was such a BEAUTIFUL day outside, absolutely gorrrrrrrrrgeous...
and I stayed in.
Can you believe it, I.stayed.in. :|

:|

Now it's not like I'm some HOODRAT child who roams on road for no apparent reason, no that's not nor has it ever been me. But I've been hyping about a day like today was for soooooooo long, ever since winter came along & was making me CONSTANTLY sick I've been waiting patiently for summer. I vowed once it was here I would enjoy and be out almost EVERYDAY that it was hot.

But today I stayed in.

My "friends" are so ghey. NO ONE wanted to do anything. Best believe I was READY. As soon as I came out of the shower, my playsuit was just looking at me like "wear me" & I was soooo on it, but there was nowhere to go :o(

Someone suggested I go to the park and write, which was great... but then I remembered there are too many insects and I'm not on any of them "accidentally" flying into my mouth.
Then someone suggested I take a stroll, but that wasn't good enough because I wanted to be out and stay out until evening breeze came.
Then someone was like "Why don't you go hyde park?" and I almost keeled over. Hyde park ? Please. The amount of goons and waste cadets that pack themselves into hyde park during the summer, no thanks, it's just an excuse for idiots to vex my life.
So instead I spent the day on the piano, singing and disturbing my little sister - which I guess was fun, but not productive enough for me or in anyway as edifying as I would've liked. Jam session ? Yes please.

After talking to my friend, I established that I need brand new people in my life. I need, not necessarily people that'll overwhelm me with extreme intelligence and music genius, oh no. I just need people who are jokes enough to make me blow snot bubbles on a regular.

Random: Snot bubbles are MY thing. I don't blow them, I haven't done so since I was like 10, but like, it's what I'll say when I'm trying to emphasize how funny something is/isn't/should be.

I was reading a blog by this lady the other day, and she was talking about how she doesn't go raving much because of how people behave all up in the club [bare unnecessary touching] and how she prefers when people get together and dance OLD SCHOOL. & I couldn't agree with her more ! Call me old fashioned, but all the whinin & grindin business with someone that aint your man/you've never met has never ever been my thing. Nowadays no one barely wants to break into a simple skank & just shack out together, everyone's either on daggering or all that mad foolishness that's just a waste of my time. I'm not stuck up, I just would prefer if some fool weren't all rubbin' up on me when I'm simply tryna enjoy my night out. Old school dances and things like the "cha cha slide" or "cupids shuffle" may be a lil' too much, but thats my idea of just crackin' pure joke on the dance flo' unless it's for joke with friends. Standard.

Raving is dead out and over rated anyway.

WHERE ARE ALL THE LIKE MINDS ?!
In general as I've expressed before, I need for something NEW to happen in my life.
I need big big BIG change.
I need to get in with people who share similar interests, goals and aren't afraid to break into damb song & dance in public when they know they're CHOON is playin in the store or wherever they're at like YES. Random, silly, unnecessary moments are MY KIND OF MOMENTS ALL THE TIME <3

I mean, I went on a date the other day & all I can say is :|.
Without slagging this person off, I'll say, I could've had a better time by my self.My idea of a perfect date real talk is, I don't mind where you take me be it to the cinema, out to eat, somewhere random that I'd never usually go I don't mind, as long as you can get me to be comfortable, have fun & laugh a hell of a lot I'm SOLD. Spending unnecessary money to go somewhere flashy won't make me bat an eyelid. Lots of talking + stitches + food + comfortableness = perfection !
This is not what I got the other day.

Plus, it looks like for the next FOUR [yes not three, four] years I'm gonna be at uni.
This is not what I had planned at ALL. I wanted to be done by three years tops, but this is evidently not going to be the case.

*sigh* my life.
But I thank God, because I don't have any hardcore problems, I'm relatively the healthiest I've been in a long time, I'm going on holiday soon AND I've gotten into the uni I wanted... maybe the long way but I still got in.

All this *points upwards*... all this is just all so very annoying.
I need to do another self evaluation and re-organize my priorities, plus I need a plan of action, because the way things are right now aren't exactly cutting the cheese.
That is all.
xo

Black Birdie.

2010-05-15T16:59:00.000-07:00

http://blackbirdieblogs.blogspot.com/

This blog, is the hugest dose of reality I've gotten in a long time. The always lovely Christiana posted up the link on twitter to the blog, apparently the author is bipolar, so this blog is a look into her mind.
It's things like these that make me remember, life is so much bigger than me. But my life is mine.

God bless her man, I really applaud her for being able to be so honest & real about her feelings.

xoxo

Ramblings.

2010-04-26T19:11:00.000-07:00

The other day I had a gig with my choir "The shabach singers". It was the second one this month actually & I overly enjoyed myself on both occasions.
However, upon being back and having had fun at both gigs, my mind, as always, is left in a state of mess.
The first issue comes from the fact that all of last week and a little bit of the week before, I was crushing on someone... as in my mind was not successfully able to just STAY on me - I really didn't like this, but I knew it'd pass. Now that it's over, the side of me that wants to fall in love, has woken up, and it's wrestling with the part of me that doesn't.

Problem.

I still have such a long way to go, this setback of "I wanna fall in love" isn't doin' it for me. At all. I know I'll be over it in a few days, but the fact that I feel like this right now is gettin' to me. I know all the reasons why I need to be single right now, and these reasons are enough for me to stay single until someone worth my time comes along. Until this event happens, I'm desperate to keep chasing my dreams, keep my eyes on God & continue to love and get to know myself, I don't have time for no foolishness.

Next issue. After an interesting conversation with my friend tonight, my mind was thrown back into my past. I was reminded of how naive I was three years ago and how I reaped the consequences of this naivety for over a year afterwards. Every lady has her own moments of weakness and mine happened to come in the form of a man. I cared about him way too much and never gave a second thought on how to consider myself first. I didn't love myself enough to say no, but I loved him enough to say yes... to everything. I feel no bitterness, because what almost diminished who I was completely has made me bloom and I only went upwards from there. When you hide behind the pretense of being someone else, you never really discover who "you" is, you never really learn what's great about you so that other's can learn it too. I don't have any regrets, because once the pain was over I was left with valuable lessons that I wouldn't have learned any other way. Instead, I'm left with a few questions and a whole lot of memories... some of the memories good, some bad, but they all contribute to make me and my experiences. I'm free of it, and that's where I aimed to get to.

Sometimes though I can't help but wonder. I can't help but wonder about the face behind all my pain, I wonder if they stayed the same or if they tried to do better too.

You know it's nights like these, I'm glad I have antihistamines because I know when I wake up in the morning I won't give a damn about any of this.

xoxo

Cheeyz.

2010-04-15T18:22:00.000-07:00

Go read my tumblr blog, I think I like that one more than I like this one.

I recommend all of you to get on that, it doesn't provide nearly half as many problems as blogspot does.

www.natureal-music.tumblr.com

I ramble a 'lil but more on there.. but it's more me.

Love you guys

xoxo

Am I shallow/Asked out/Cindy says/I want your input.

2010-04-09T19:37:00.000-07:00

Alright so, for those of you who don't know, Cindy a.k.a Cynthia is my best friend. She has been since year 10, she's the jack daniel to my ribs, the cotton to my candy, the sock to my sockS.
So.
Next wednesday I have a date, and I was tellin' her about it on the phone today. I was ranting on and on to her about how I suspect that one of the reasons this guy asked me was because he liked me which already puts us on different pages because I'm going because I want to get to know him [he seems so lovely so far] and in hopes that I can get a really good friend in this time [as mentioned before, single and happy]. So I continued to tell her how I don't mind going on this date but I'm going for different reasons to him & how I don't even know him well enough to know if I like him as a person and blah blah blah.
She then proceeded to tell me to shut up and that if I look at the bigger picture I should realize he's asked me out with him because he wants to get to know ME too and see if I have the qualities to become a great friend, NOT because he wants to slyly put his arm up my skirt in the dark or nothin' and I should realize the type of guy I'm dealing with.
I agreed.
She then just told me to see how everything flows and then after a few more conversations and time well spent at the cinema and when I see him around, I can then begin to assess. After some more small talk about the situation she goes to me. "Anyways, knowing you he would remain just friends with you anyway because you won't allow it to progress." I was like "what...SORRY ?!" because I knew what she was implying. She was touching on the string that she believes is my unshakeable shallowness.
I straight away began to argue my case, I was like "I'm sorry, but you can't be tryna call me shallow after you've SEEN the type of males I have gone for in the past, don't even try it my friend". I launched a full scale attack about how in the past I've gone for some males who have CLEARLY not been my type without giving a damn, so she can't tell me I won't let it progress because of things like how he looks, that the only time I got someone who was beautifulized in my books was the last time.
She stopped me by the time I got to that part and was like "YES ma. The last one was the one that has set the standard for what you will and will not allow now. Ever since him you've made it so that you've set your eyes on your type and if they're not your type then they'll only ever sit in the friend box. This guy [the guy I'm going out with on wednesday] isn't your type, so you'll be more reluctant to let it progress than if he was so don't even try argue".
I was almost stunned into silence. ALMOST. A part of me knew she was right.
I know what my type is... tall [above 6ft please], teddy bear-ish type build [basically the body type that means every time you go to hug them, you're receiving a bear hug], adorable in face, a lil "nerd-like" in dress sense [when I say nerd-like I mean Pharell type nerd], clean looking, nice facial hair and all that good stuff. I know I love a loud personality, a creative mind [preferably a music one too, but this is not a must] and someone who's not afraid to be different i.e break into song and dance with me in the middle of westfield and feel NO shame about it.
That kinda sums up my type, I hope I painted some nice pictures in your mind.
I know that if someone who were my type was to approach me, have a few conversations with me and ask me out to get to know me and enjoy my company, whether or not it would progress in future would definitely cross my mind more than once... now I'm not saying it would be the main focus but I wouldn't mind the thought because they check a lot of my boxes.
Someone who isn't my type may have to work a lil bit harder if they want to move into the "my future" category. That's just me being real. I don't like to think of myself as a shallow person, I'm not the type to completely shun a guy if he doesn't look or act the way I like, I'll always ALWAYS give them a chance and I'll always be friendly... it's just a bit harder for me to think about them moving into the future box if I feel like I'm not compatible with them in many areas. This more touches on the personality aspect rather than the looks aspect... I mean... I can't be there actin' a fool and you're jus' lookin at me smilin, no you need to JOIN IN. Compatibility is important to me and always has been, but the whole point of this blog post is to highlight the fact that in my mind I'm so set on "I just wanna get to know him as a friend, forget that other side first" whereas I know if the guy ticked the majority of boxes of my 'type' there would be a lot of "imagine if's" and "maybe's" running through my mind.
Can you imagine.
And I know I aint the only one.
I know after a while, especially as I mature, 'type' will begin to matter less and less and just how well I get on with them and how much of a great person they are to me will begin to matter more. This is something I know I need to aim at working on changing and I think the same goes for everyone.

But, does having a type make me shallow ? I mean... everyone has a type, it's not wrong is it ? Everyone has what they think their ideal husband or boyfriend will be like in their mind.... but I know this is something I need to do away with and throw in the bin.
Realistically, as a woman grows older her type begins to change and she begins to discover what she really wants in a man... being 20 I'm still quite young so maybe it'll change I dunno...

Thoughts please, tell me if I'm dead ass wrong or if I'm right in having a set type of man and holding the standard ! I've seen many women coming from both side saying things like "It's things like having a 'type' that'll stop you from truly being happy" and I've seen others say things such as "Know what you want in a man and don't settle for less, when you see what you want GRAB IT, aint nothin' wrong with havin' a type and stickin' to it to get the man you want".

I'd love to know what you guys think !

xoxo

Just one day [unfinished]

2010-04-05T19:33:00.000-07:00

"Can I get a day in your life ?

Where for a moment your story and mine

are the same.

I'd take on the role of your best friend, maybe even

your girl.

Your life and mine would become our lives,

I'll be that part of you that's female.

Forever your partner in crime, so let me know the day that I

can walk in."

- Keez a.k.a Pookie.

xoxo

One of my favourite songs at the moment.

2010-04-05T18:31:00.000-07:00

Alicia keys - Unthinkable (written by Drake)

This song touches nerves... especially the first verse. I love it.

"Moment of Honesty
Someone's gotta take the lead tonight
Who's it gonna be ?
I'm gonna sit right her and
Tell you all that comes to me
If you have somethin' to say, you should say it right now"

Speak to me.

xoxo

P.S - My own cover coming soon.

20 Random Facts About Me. [ +2 ]

2010-04-05T11:51:00.000-07:00

1. I have sickle cell anaemia. This never really was a serious problem for me until I turned 18, life started stressing me out and stuff. There came a point where I was at hospital once a week but I'm slowly learning to manage it. It's painful, it's annoying and I hate the amount of pills I have to pop every day but other than that it doesn't bother me too much. Don't know what it is ? Look it up :o)

2. I love food. I am the definition of an undercover fat fat fatty, the only reason I don't really put on serious weight is because the sickle cell doesn't allow me to. I'll eat anything and I mean aaaaaaaaanything as long as it tastes good, try me. I especially love sweet things like candy, cake etc etc, I won't drink anything unless it tastes sweet [except water, I love water] especially with alcoholic drinks... yuck. I'm sorry I don't understand how people can enjoy the taste of things like vodka and wine and all that hooha.

3. I play 2 instruments, the acoustic guitar and the piano; I only started learning to play the piano last year and the acoustic guitar in January. Very soon the base guitar is going to join up the list.

4. As you've probably read if you're a loyal reader, I love me. I am always going to come before you :o) Don't be shocked, this should be the case for everybody, if you love yourself enough it's harder for idiots to step on you.

5. I'm a believer in Jesus Christ, full blown, so don't be surprised by my random outbursts of my love for him in my posts. I'm not an unreasonable person and I'm very respective of the beliefs of other people, so if you don't trash my beliefs, I'll say nothing on your own unless asked.

6. I'm single and I love it. I'm surprised because last year you couldn't have paid me enough money to say this but it's surprisingly now the truth... I'm very happy with where I am right now and my plans for my life, finding out who I am and taking this journey to become a better me... I don't need anyone to hold my hand along the way just now.

7. I love being outside. I mean, unless I'm practicing or there's stuff I need to be doin' then what am I doing at home ? Long walks and places to go are my thing [ Except it's winter... during the winter you'll NEVVVVVVER catch me outside unless I have to be, it's cold and depressing..allow. ]

8. I've got a very childish personality. I love cartoons, teddy bears bring plenty of excitement and such things. If I saw a spongebob duvet and a well designed one in the same store, I'd probably end up buying the spongebob one.

9. I hate the conceited... but you probably already know this. All I ask is that you have brains and character to back up your good looks, it's not hard is it ?

10. I hate eggs... and fish. Whoever had the idea of eating such things was obviously gassed upon gassed.

11. Man... I love music, but this should be OBVIOUS by now. Music is just...YES.

12. I have confidence issues when it comes to singing. At home, I'll sound fine but when I get outside oooh Lord. I'll get over it though, and when I do I'll let you know :o)

13. I used to keep a diary... I think it's wise for everybody to do so you know, because trust me when you look back oh my goodness the JOKES.

14. I struggle with patience... I mean, if something can be done as quickly as possibly why just not DO IT ? why LONG OUT THE PROCESS ?

15. I've been in love before, it really is a beautiful thing if it's right but my story was just SO wrong.

16. When I was 6 years old I was hit by a car in the face, landed on my leg and broke it. I couldn't walk for like 3 months, couldn't run for 6. It completely re-arranged my face and my teeth and for the longest while I was so insecure because of it. When everything healed over I still had the mentality I had back then... however, now I think I'm quite beautifulized :o)

17. One of my legs is shorter than the other due to said accident, but you will NEVER notice it plus I think it's cool, so shame.

18. I am a GREAT listener... yes I said GREAT. People used to take advantage of this in the past, but being repeatedly taken for an idiot has taught me when and when not to tune out.

19. Writing is my 3rd love next to Music. I write in a very conversational way [the same as when I sing] which may seem a bit weird to other people, but hey.

20. I'm a full blown Nigerian girl. Born and raised in the UK but I'll always scream for Nigeria first before the UK.

21. I love to cook when I'm bothered, however I don't want to be one of those girls that ONLY knows how to cook African food, I want to learn to cook everything from Spanish food to Indian food, I think it'll be great plus it'll give me great variety. So, if anyone's willing to send me a cook book, I'll be more than happy to accept.

xoxo

Curl Obsession ?

2010-03-29T17:18:00.000-07:00

Isn't she gorgeous ???
I love her side fro-hawk kinda thing....but that's not the point.

I was reading a post on the "Black girl long hair" blog where a girl pointed out that people nowadays are far too obsessed with curl pattern, then she asked who agreed with her. Several did, several didn't.
I until then hadn't thought about this issue. At all
For those who don't know what I'm on about, every black girl who's hair is unrelaxed has a curl pattern, usually you'll find this curl pattern for black women ranges between loose jeri curl type curls and kinkier than kinky kinks with barely any type of curls just a lot of "z's" in their hair.
At the time when I decided to go natural, I wasn't really thinkin' about what my curl pattern would look like, I had hoped at the time it would come out as bouncy, defined curls but then when I saw my mama take out her weave and wash her hair I saw her Z curl pattern and assumed that was what mine would be like too [it was beautiful though, and very soft...bless her and her few grey strands]. I had then decided that if I wanted a curly look in my hair I would just use twist outs or whatever product would help me get more of what some people call "mixed girl curl".
However, once my hair actually started to grow out [pictures/video up soon] I noticed my hair weren't like hers. My hair has loose wavy curls at the front, its more tightly curled at the back but at the sides it might as well be straight and it might as well be more Z-ish like my mama...so I'm dealin' with like 3 different textures. I then noticed that until I had realized what my natural curl pattern was and thought it was gonna be a Z pattern, I immediately started thinking about ways I could define my curls more, give myself some curl pattern and get the mixed girl curl I was looking for; that was my main concern and I completely forget about my love for big kinky fro's in the first place.
After much deliberation, I decided that the girl who made the comment was right. On youtube I see countless videos of women who will spend up to almost 40 dollars on ONE product to give them some curl pattern then turn around and tell a somebody "Dude, I'll never ever spend so much money on weave ever again pschhhh I'm free from the creamy crack [hair relaxer] burnin' out my money bla bla bla" when at the end of the day, they're spending almost just as much on product to give themselves some curl that they don't have.
What's wrong with kinky hair ? It's ours, we should embrace it. If your hair does not have springy bouncy curls or doesn't curl up the way you want it to then don't force or manipulate your hair too much by spending a crazy amount of money, countless hours and develop "curl envy" because you don't have it. Embrace them Z curls, they're beautiful too ! I went on ONE product haul to find out what works good for my hair, now I know the things I'm probably gonna be using for the rest of my life [unless I come across some of the ones I've been feenin for in the states i.e carols daughter products]. I was mad enough to buy "Kinky curly curling custard" because I was recommended it by a friend however I haven't tried it yet, I want a bit more length first... however I know that unless I have careless money, I won't be buying it again & I'll use something else [probably Ecostyler] as an alternative... you can't beat that price dude.
Another issue that was brought to my attention is that apparently some feel that women who are carrying natural hair feel they are better than women that aren't e.g women that wear weaves, braids, relaxers, texturizes etc etc. This needs to stop.
Being natural is a PERSONAL choice. I have seen some women with relaxed hair that are SO beautiful, I've seen some women carry texturized hair like it's gold. I was in so much danger of falling into this category of "If your hair aint relaxed then your hair aint on point' when it's not even that time of day at all. If a woman chooses to relax her hair then it's her personal decision, no one aint got to push her into it and she shouldn't be looked down on for it either because 99.9% of us who decided to stop using it were all natural before... so shame. That being said, nobody should try push anybody who's trying to go natural into NOT doing it either, discouragement is a big no-no; as said in Bambi "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all" SIMPLE AS.

That being said...men who are relaxing their hair...please...put it down slowly.

For the record: I don't want to put down women who DO do twist outs, use curling custards, IC's, Buttercreme's and hair puddings to define curl. I'm just saying it shouldn't be done in an overboard manner neither should one feel insecure when they're forced to rock their kinky afro's. Curly hair is beautiful in ALL it's forms. This whole curl seperation 4a 3b 2c whatever nonsense is even the cause of problems in the first place because it further problems. Hair is beautiful as hair is...so sometimes let your hair breath and embrace your bad hair days.

That is all

xoxo

P.s - for those of you out there who say that curly hair is not natural hair...you're not serious.

My blog post set aside for my maker.

2010-03-27T17:33:00.000-07:00

For those of you who aren't aware, I'm a christian. I'm in church every sunday, I sing in not one but two choirs, I read my bible every day, I am a big lover of gospel music and I commit just about everything I do to God. This doesn't make me radical, this makes me a woman after God's own heart.
I just wanted to take this time to write this blog post to thank God for how awesome he is, for those of you who are reading this and you aren't christian, or you don't believe in such things therefore don't want to read...by all means don't. I'm not forcing anyone to read this, infact [at the risk of sounding like the hoodrat children you find in places like facepic] the [x] is right there at the top of the page...click it and be on your way if the idea of me speaking about God detests you so much...but otherwise feel free to read.
It's not even like anything spectacular has happened in my life right now, I'm in the same place I was yesterday, at the risk of tomorrow being the worse day of my life...I just want proudly declare how amazing God is just because of who he is... how much he's done for me, the way he's kept me...the way he's helped me find myself more and more each day. It's not even feeling like I'm having this big burst of happiness either, I just finished reading Kanika's blog and her blog post just made me feel this...insane love for God because of where I am, where I'm going and the fact that he's the reason for all of it.
When I think about my life, my WHOLE life, from my family issues to the car accident to the whole of my primary school/high school experience and every other big or small thing that has somehow effected me in life...& then I think about where I am now, I'm in such awe of where he's brought me too.
What inspired me to write this is just me thinking about how much I love myself now, how he showed me how to love myself and showed me how to really be comfortable in who I am, which is something I didn't really know how to do before. I'd thought in such a negative way about myself all my life, never ever thought I could become anything and after the accident left me looking like a gremlin between the ages of 7 to 17 I didn't even know how to call myself pretty. I never ever aimed for anything that I felt I couldn't reach and I gave up at the first sign of a challenge...this just became who I was and became fixed into my mind for the longest time, I called myself "average" for years and everybody who knew me knew this is what I thought of myself.
Even when I fell in love, my perceptions about myself didn't change. People around me would always tell me what they felt but of course as you all know change starts in the mind and I wasn't allowing myself to change....I almost felt guilty if I ever allowed myself to think well of who I was or how I looked so I stayed negative. I'd also for a long time had the perception that when you fall in love with someone they need to come and "complete" you when this is not the case. So in late 2007 I laid pretty much all of who I was on one soul who didn't even know how to handle their own properly...at the time I didn't know this, not the real depths of it until the middle of '08 and even when it did begin to show I didn't care because I thought we could "fix each other" but how can you try and fix somebody when you're broken yourself ? Who I was was a complete mess. I was deeply insecure, depressed for many reasons one of them being I didn't know what I wanted for my life, my LACK of a life, realizing I was slowly loosing who I formerly knew as myself and I had absolutely nothing going for me; I hated my course at college but was in denial about hating it plus the fact that apart from college I weren't really doing anything else. I didn't go out, I slowly started to care less and less about the things I'd cared about before and the only thing which I really did care about [the guy I was emotionally involved with at the time] was slyly one of the reasons why I had no peace of mind but I wasn't sure why so I held on.

Sidebar: Remember, I was tryin' to help "fix" him therefore I didn't want to let go of him. Everything I thought about was him, his issues, how I could help him out, what was going on etc...completely forgetting about how to care about myself in the process.

When he eventually left, I had nothing left because he was the only thing I'd really cared about for the past year and a half that I'd known him, so when he left he took with him my peace of mind, who I was and my insecurity dove even deeper...that was when I got depressed and learned that I literally had to start again by finding myself, finding who I am and learning to love and accept who I am. Believe me, this is an ongoing process, but ever since I started mine God has been the hand holding me through everything. He's the person that eased my wounds and gave me the compassionate heart to even thinking about forgiving the dude who left and managed to show me how to seperate being IN love with them and still loving them. He's the one who fixed it up that somehow my vocal coach started teaching me again, he gave me a piano for free so it was there and ready for me when I started to learn how to play [long story] but most of all he started to show me I was beautiful without nobody even telling me. Of course, you get the odd man here and there tellin' you you're gorgeous and what not, but that not nor has it ever shook me so all such comments counted as irrelevant...plus it's not what people say that should determin whether you think you're beautiful [not only because people are jam foolish & lyin' all the time] a woman should know she's beautiful in her own right and in her own way.
I started to learn how to love who I am, how to accept who I am and to really bask in your beautifulness, this is something I think every woman needs to learn how to do...I'm not sayin' go around thinkin' your too nice no....NO. Don't EVER do that. But a lady needs to know her worth as a woman, know the things about her that make her unique and get comfortable in it.
But I digress.
I remember when we were first going into 2010 I cried. I cried because 2009 had been such a horrible year and such a fight for me, when really 2009 was in it's own way one of the best years of my life because the amount of growth that passed through my body in 2009 has given me so much wisdom. Sure it hurt, sure at least once a month I cried and definitely had to deal with relapses...but I stand so much stronger now because of it. This year so far, not everything I want to happen may not have happened yet, but I know it will when it's supposed to and I'm well on my way.
From being a woman who was insecure, naive, didn't put myself first, had no real goals or values about life or herself; I'm now a young woman who's very comfortable in her own skin, knows her worth, will always put herself first and am working towards my goals so hard, going back to my first love [music] played a big part in shaping who I am because it also broke me, humility is key when it comes to chasing your dreams or else your lost. I'm determined more than ever to tick off every goal I've set for myself.
I know the type of woman I am, I know the type of woman I want to be and I know what I want out of life.
Again, I wanna thank God for being at the forefront of all of this, for all the times he's had to tell me about myself for my own stupidity, all the times he's silently corrected me when I've done something I know I shouldn't have...and for each time he's reminded me that even though I've been feeling at my worst I am still a diamond.
The fact that he orders my steps, the fact that he reminds me all my trauma's are gonna work together for his good, the fact that I can find myself in his word...he's just too much. He's given me so many ephiphany's in the past 6 months, I can't let them go un-aired.
For those who actually did read this to the end remember:
With God, you most definitely can believe, achieve and then begin to RECIEVE. He is love for real and he's been the smile on my face on my darkest days.
He's bringing me my perfect peace and I'm more than ever clinging onto the necessary.
I love you more and more each day, for every hurt, every tear I shed, everytime I feel like giving up...because I know where I am, I know where I'm going.

xoxo

Goals.

2010-03-09T18:36:00.000-08:00

Meet Leah Smith:

Her song "Beautifully Made" excites my spirit. Her tone, the technique in which she uses her voice and the strength behind her lyrics all give me something to look forward to when I pick up my own pen.

Also meet Lydia Paek:

She's not an established artist, I only know her due to videos on youtube, but damn...my girl has got it goin' on. Her voice and technique are nothing short of brilliant, she knows her style and she knows how to use it well. I love it.

Lately, discouragement has been my biggest problem, and it's been overall these two ladies who have made me want to get better each time I listen to them sing.
They make me want to touch my dreams more than ever. I've been doubting myself a lot lately, whether I can really do this and whether what I'm reaching for is for me simply because there's so many kinds of different talent out there and so many big voices, so I struggle to find where a voice like mine would fit...but I'm slowly gaining some perspective and direction.

It's time for me to stop shrinking back everytime a hurdle comes and tackle it head on.

Leah Smith - Beautifully made.

Lydia Paek - Turn your lights down low (cover)
See more of her stuff on www.youtube.com/JUUKKES

xoxo

A random word of advice.

2010-03-04T16:27:00.000-08:00

To all my ladies out there...
If you ever come across a man who says to you the following lines:

"I don't deserve you" - [NOT "How did I get so lucky", that's different.]
"I don't wanna hurt you/ I'm scared I'll hurt you"
"You're too good for me"

FLEE.
FLEE like you've never FLED in your LIFE.
I'm being serious as hell !! Experience has taught me and I've learned from too many that when a man says that, he genuinely means it and there is a 9 out of 10 chance that by the end of the "love story" your gonna be left crushed. It's either said man is a pathological liar, he's cheating, he has a history of cheating, he doesn't really know himself and needs to get to know himself...I dunno...but it always means something is definitely wrong. He's crying out for something and you need to listen and find out what that something is because there is a deep underlying PROBLEM for you and for him.
Sometimes the man can tell you what that problem is, sometimes he can't in which case he needs to search/check himself, you can help him do so, but I would advise you to do it from the "friend" bench otherwise you'll end up gettin' cut up on the inside and trust me it's not even that time of day.
Sometimes however, the man will also tell you this because he needs you, he needs you to help him sort out his damn self & in such cases whatever it is he needs you to do for him emotionally/mentally you need to do without loosing your peace of mind in the process.

Being there for somebody...loving them more than you love yourself, it's not an easy job, so if you're just about ready to pass your heart over and you hear those words, hold up the red light & find out the ways in which your honey man needs to fix up.
That is all.

xoxo

I tumble over.

2010-03-02T19:38:00.000-08:00

Tumblrrrr had to eventually get some love too.

www.natureal-music.tumblr.com

<3

Do you REALLY care what skin tone they are ?

2010-03-02T18:15:00.000-08:00

Again, another conversation quite nicely provoked this blog post, I went on a full blown rant by the end of it, so I was encouraged to blog about it.
Now...I have quite a few things I wanna bring up under the topic of "interracial dating". Anyone who knows me knows I've always been a fan, I think it's beautiful when you see people of completely different races walking hand in hand, not just the typical "black male, white female" couple but "black female, asian male" type couples, they bring big smiles to my face; however in the ignorance of today's society not everyone feels the same, so I have a few things I wanna touch up on whilst making my point known.

1. The "Darkskin VS Lightskin" topics.
I cannot believe...in all honesty how long this stupidity has been going on for, the question I always find myself asking is "No but seriously doe WHO CARES ?!" because I know for a damn fact that I don't. Light skinned or dark skinned at the end of the day it's SKIN TONE, to say "Light skinned people look better than dark skinned people" and vice versa is absolute madness ! Not only is it over generalizing but it's just pure foolishness. Have you seen ever light skinned/dark skinned person in the world out there to make an assumption like that ? HELL NO so what's the DEAL ? honestly I'm so BAFFLED sometimes when I see trending topics on twitter talkin about such stupidness, bare debates on facebook, bare debates in college about "Has light skin gone out of fashion ?" WDF ?! How can you even begin to say that ? Since when is it fashionable to be a certain skin colour ?! Look yeah...at the end of the day NO ONE CARES. I have come across some of the most BEAUTIFUL dark skinned AND light skinned individuals, in my state of CORRECT thinking I will never over generalize and say one tone looks better than the other because it's so damn fool, skin tones are beautiful and different for a reason. Get off that rubbish it's 2010.

Sidebar: All such individuals who think they're hot cakes BECAUSE they're a certain skin tone are not excused either. I sit back in awe when I hear girls/boys talking about how they know they can get any guy they like because of their skin tone...seriously ? Shut up, sit down, close your mouth then go home. Such ignorance is needed here...bare foolishness.

2. Preference and ignorance shouldn't be in the same sentence.
It's okay to have preference, I have more than once on this blog expressed that. To say that you prefer a certain race/ look over another is fine, but when you then become ignorant about said preference is when there's a problem. Comments like "Sorry I couldn't ever be with someone who weren't dark skinned choc'lit scrumdillyumptiousness" is mad... I've heard a girl utter those exact words and then a year later her mouth was shut NICELY when she found herself chasing after some vietnamese boy in her college. You can't be ignorant. Beauty/good looks doesn't fall under ONE category, you get good looking people in all races and you have to acknowledge that, you can't shun a girl/man who's absolutely breath taking in the looks department AND their personality is on P just because they aren't your first choice of preference in race, it's ridiculous and it's stupidity like that that'll stop you from ever finding real happiness. Stereotypes and over generalizing don't belong in the mind, so get rid of it and keep the mind open to new possibilities.

3. Mindset.
Keep your mindset fresh, I've said this from day one. If you're broken, fix yourself...yes fix yourself. Seek help where you need it [Church/The counsellors office/Rehab] re-evaluate yourself and know what you want. Oh, while you're doing so also weigh up the things that matter and the things that don't matter. Whether or not a girl's ass/breast is big enough, whether her hair is long enough or whether she's thick or tall/short won't make you happy when push comes to shove, skin colour let alone looks won't be the thing bringing you true happiness at the end of the day, yeah sure your wife/husband will be eye candy but we all know that that isn't enough. I've always said that the best looking person isn't necessarily going to be the one to love you the best, if a woman/man loves you for who you are, satisfies your needs, can hold it down for you for the rest of your days, supports you and your dreams/compliments your dreams,be all you could ever need, your best friend AND partner in crime, then what more is it that you're lookin' for ? I aint sayin' go marry a woman/man that looks like Nanny Mcphee/Shrek and disregard physical attraction completely...but it's not the most important thing. If a person can really be all you've ever needed and satisfy your mind, heart, body and soul for the rest of your days then what else do you WANT ? If you turn down such a person because they don't seem to meet your supposed "criteria" in the looks department or they're not a certain race then shame on you, SHAME I tell you.

I've always loved my hispanics, my asians, my liteys, my whites and any others among lovin' choc'lit men. I'll never discriminate on the type of man I want to be with just because of his skin colour, you really don't get to experience a nice slice out of life if you do. I'm lookin' for a man that can love me in the way that I need to be loved and I know his skin tone aint gonna hinder that...all stereotypes and hear-say out the door, I know what I want, I know what I prefer but I'm not limited to my preferences at all.

To all of you who are reading this, what say you about interracial dating/ the issue of the light skinned/dark skinned debate ?

I have a lot of friends who disagree with me on certain areas of these issues, we're all allowed to have an opinion...but no ignorance...ignorance gets airtime.

xoxo

So..

2010-02-24T17:24:00.000-08:00

I wake up this morning. I co-wash. As I get out the shower I'm surprised to see a lil' curl pattern comin' through.

I dunno if you can see it...but I can :o) I'm excited.

xoxo

Change in URL

2010-02-24T09:24:00.000-08:00

Hey people,

I've had a change in address, it had to be done, as my old one was just...crazy as hell.
It's now www.natureal-love.blogspot.com
There's ALSO been a change in my twitter account too...it's now www.twitter.com/fullofdreamsxo

xoxo

I just wanna say to you guys...

2010-02-19T15:25:00.000-08:00

Thank you all so so much for reading, commenting & everything.
It makes me smile to know that people actually read the rubbish that I talk about, even though half of the time it doesn't make sense or it's completely random, you guys still show your love anyway.

Love you all plentyful

xoxo

The big chop.

2010-02-06T17:47:00.000-08:00

I did my BC today. Reason being because I was getting tired of transitioning because I couldn't even do it in an appropriate way, dealing with the relaxed middle/front and the regrowth on the sides/back was hard work.
So I chopped it all, I'm not exactly at my TWA stage yet but I'll get there.
The middle still has some straight ends due to the creamy crack but they'll grow out in no time and I'll just take them off with the next trim.
Do I like it ? Yes I do. I've gotten a lot of positive feedback and better yet this means a good 20 minutes is cut off from my getting ready time... good times ahead.

Day I did my BC: Saturday 6th Feb '10

Let's see where I am in a year :o)

xoxo

Have you forgotten that NOBODY is perfect ?

2010-02-01T16:45:00.001-08:00

"If you have 12 fingers, flaunt those ten fingers like they were the most beautiful thing in the world & learn to love your insecurities, because God made no mistake when he put them on you" - Pookie.

I'm sorry people, but this rant couldn't wait.

So me & my girl stephanie [Read her blogs' .. www.herlifeandlyrics.com and www.ghanaiangeisha.blogspot.com ] were talkin' this evening about people who expect too much from others and how media has succeeded in hugely deceiving us into expecting to run into the impossible...the type of men/women that are sooo fine runnin' all up and through on tv.

This greatly pisses me off.

I don't get why people suddenly think it's okay to shoot people down for little things such as "Her feet are bigger than mine/his trainers are not on point/her hair isn't long enough" that's not having standards thats just down right shallow talk ; fair enough first impressions matter but little things like that are NOT enough of a reason for you to decide a person is not your time. My most favourite line I've been hearing lately is "I don't go for dark skinned males/females" and if you ask them the reason why they don't have one...it's okay to have preference, but you can't be ignorant forever, if a male or female...whatever their race/skin colour is good looking then you need to appreciate it, not pretend like they're not JUST because they are said race or skin colour. It's stupid.

I watch a lot of guys go on and on about how they think a girl should look and if certain girls don't look that way then they're not worth their time. I'm not surprised to hear that a lot of their descriptions are girls that are damn near impossible to find, they don't seem to understand that carrying this stupid mentality is what's going to keep them from finding anyone that's worth their while, the same goes for girls. If you're going to go around for the rest of your life with the mentality of "I'm not going to be with someone unless they look like *insert almost perfect description here*" then you're living in fantasy land, need to be swiftly slapped by reality and obviously hardcore lacking common sense.

Having standards and being SMART about your standards are two completely different things. Open your eyeballs, the women/men we see on TV have been airbrushed beyond measure, caked in make-up, possibly even sprayed/rubbed down with vaseline so that their skin is lookin' all glistening and what not...but on a normal day they're lookin' ORDINARY and HUMAN like the rest of us. These are two words that mankind need to get back in touch with. People forget that people are only human and are definitely going to have imperfections. You will never EVER find a man/woman who is perfect in every way and has the on par personality to match, it's NEVER done. We all have flaws in and out and it's time we began to accept this and be a little more open minded. The best looking person isn't exactly going to be the person that's going to love you the best...sometimes you may end up with someone a lil' bit lower than your standards and they may make you the happiest person on earth.

Trust, being ignorant and shallow will get you NOWHERE. If it's just because you're on some #OneNightStand or #JustABeat foolishness, then you'll be surprised when you're feelin' empty because you've had enough, the pretty faces are boring & you can't stand their conversation.

Ladies/gentlemen... if you find yourself getting rejected by a man/woman who has made such stupid comments about you don't feel discouraged, they probably weren't even worth half of you anyway. I used to allow the comments of others to greatly make me feel insecure, they didn't even need to be talking about me, just hearing a man I found attractive talk about what he finds attractive and finding that I didn't match that description made me feel very insecure. Made me feel like no one "worth my while" was checkin' for me lol. It took me a very long time to come to a place of acceptance in myself and how I look...I wouldn't say I'm 100% percent comfortable because it does take a good while to get there, but I'm well on my way. So if a person is talkin' about what he/she finds good looking and you find you don't match that description e.g "I like girls with small feet" yet you know you're a size 9, don't be discouraged, because someone will come along that will love ALL of you. At the end of the day you're stuck with yourself, imperfections and all, so you might as well learn to love you right ? No one should ever allow some ANY man/woman that obviously knows nothing about life to make you feel like you shouldn't look like you.

& that's me done for the night.

xoxo

P.S - WHO is shallow hal to be shallow anyways ?! If he was lookin' like taye diggs then YES I can understand...but since he's not...man needs to FALL.BACK. #NuffSaid.

MORE big changes.

2010-01-20T17:32:00.000-08:00

Ok so today, I joined a facebook group called "care for your hair".

This group alone, after being in there for 10 minutes, was enough to convince me to finally make the decision of never relaxing my hair again.

I want a TWA [Teeny weeny Afro] ...I want one badly.

If you visit "sheacocoaluv" or "misskrisnew" on youtube you'll see soon enough my loveeee for TWA's...I was carrying one in a weave for a while early last year but now I wanna grow my own.

Relaxers has never really given me any problems [ except burn the hell out of my scalp on occasion and make my hair extra brown ] however, the problems it could possibly give me in the long run...I'm not willing to take the risk. I think it's time to bring my fro back but this time it'll be mine <3

I thank God my hair is already short, because then my transition stage won't be too long. I'm not sure whether or not I have to braid...or I even want to...it's too much work plus I don't mind walkin around with regrowth in my hair, I'm not that far from the stage where I can go do my BC [big chop] and go about my business. Yeah, I know, I'll have to invest a lot of time into my hair in the mornings and I'll have to be extra careful about the products I use, but I don't mind.

I've been considering growing out my hair natural for a whiiiiile, before I decided to start cutting my hair actually...& I was warned from one of my girls about the effects relaxer can have on your hair, but I was keen to experiment with short hair so I carried on. I've always been advised to just go natural, a lot of my girls have told me to do so in the past but I didn't listen cause I didn't think I could maintain it...but I think now it'll look nice, especially when I'm wearing my hoochies [hooped earings].

I'm probably gonna look like I jumped FRESH off the boat comin from Nigeria, plus the fact that for some time I'll be a bit limited as to what I can do to my hair...like I won't be able to do a frohawk until about a year later or something...but I can make it work for me.

Day I decided to stop using relaxer - 20th of January 2010

Let's see where I am this time next year.

xoxo

I love twitter/I Hate's.

2010-01-13T17:18:00.000-08:00

I know a few months ago I said I hated twitter & that it was a waste of time & whatever...but ummm *looks around the room* I'm now slightly an addict. Cause of the "Uber twitter" application on my blackberry I tweet most of the day...it's fun :o) Lol plus I catch serious entertainment off other people's tweets & it's a good way to network, the thing that keeps me readily lovin' twitter though are the trending topics a.k.a TT's. My favourite one so far has been " #worstlies" I had a field day with that one...which brings me to my blog post.

Today I found the littlest things pissin' me off, upon thinking about them I came up with loads of lil' pet peeves & I wanted to TT all on twitter...but you only get 140 characters & it's annoying cause you can't really rant like you'd like...so I decided to blog about them..twitter style :o)

*clears throat*

#IHate - Racists. Whether you're racists to white or ethnic groups in general it's stupid. Get over it. The funny thing is if you ask racists WHY they hate that particular race 99.9% of the time they have no real reason. It's just pure foolishness. Prayer is needed.

#IHate - Religion bashers. How can you insult a God that you don't know ? How can you make such accusations about God when you don't know anything about him ? Take a seat, you're obviously confused about life. Whether you're in a religion, dont have one or believe that God is just "there", be respectful to those who DO believe in something, even if you don't believe the same.

#IHate - People who sit on the bus opposite me and pick their nose. It's disgusting. For goodness sake is the booger in your nose disturbing you SO badly to the point that you have to dig like you've never dug before up your nose hole in PUBLIC ? My God, please wait till you get home or at least out of my FACE & don't eye me up & down when I give you a dirty look because of what you're doing. It's nasty.

#IHate - Noisy "youts" on the bus. I know I used to be one of them..hell if anything I made the MOST amount of noise...but is what you're talking about SO exciting that everyone has to hear your conversation ? Hear one girl today "Truesay yeah my man's bloodset and my brothers cripset so that would make me half bloodset half cripset SICK ALIE"....I don't have anything to say in response to such foolishness.

#IHate - The conceited. I have expressed my dislike for them in a previous blog post so...yez.

#IHate - Closet gays. Bruv if you're gay let everyone know and live your life ! Don't go & live a lie get married have kids and then be cheatin' on your wife with Devon next door...allow the eastenders movement. It's not necessary...at all.

#IHate - Texts before 10am. If you know I'm gonna be at home how can you possibly think I'm going to be awake ? Unless I'm going somewhere or we have plans I do not RISE from my bed until 10:30am EARLIEST...so don't be textin' my phone & expect a reply until after 11.

#IHate - Guys who'll tell you they like you after a week of talkin' to you. Obvious rubbish, do I look like I was born yesterday ? Please carry that talk elsewhere. When you manage to gain some sort of common sense come back and talk to me.

#IHate - The ignorance of a person in love. I know it's inevitable and we've all been there...hell I've been there & I can probably be accused the MOST of this...but if a situation is clearly not good for you and you're crying more than your smiling because of someone that keeps CONSTANTLY hurting you...then no...that person isn't good for you and you need to BOUNCE. From when you can step outside the situation and look at it as "If my friend was in this situation what would I be tellin them" & know you'd be tellin them to leave, then you need to go.

#IHate - Man-hoes. You lot cause too many problems. Stop it. It's nazty.

#IHate - People who choose to live in ignorance. Now, because of an old friend I was once a big Zeitgeist fan but eventually not so much due to the fact that they don't support religion, but they raise some very good points, get your brain on. I'm not saying you must believe everything, but don't dismiss everything.

#IHate - Girls that choose to wear skirts/shorts with no tights in the DEAD of winter...ya mad ?

#IHate - Men who'll make women think that making a man wait for her is a madness...Ya mad ?! like I said man-skets are not the one.

#IHate - Materialistic individuals...simply because I don't really care about that stuff lol.

#IHate - When people feel that they have to lie to me to get to know me...come at me as you are & we'll give getting to know each other a try, if not then it just wasn't meant to work, it doesn't necessarily mean you have the problem.

#IHate - Falling out of love. It hurts and it's LONG.

#IHate - Bumlicks. [No Kendra-ings].

#IHateWithZEST - Natalie from bad girls club. Nuff said.

xoxo

I caved...

2010-01-03T17:23:00.000-08:00

& joined formspring !!!

www.formspring.me/butterfly89

Ask me ANYTHING you want & I'll most definitely reply :o)...unless of course your question is one of pure jam foolishness...then you'd have to get airtime.

Lots of love

xoxo

Oh JAS SHARRAP you're not THAT nice.

2010-01-03T17:00:00.000-08:00

Kay so, I have a lot on my mind since encountering the profile of a MORON. I have no idea how this is gonna come out but...here goes.

*Inhales*

Ok so I'm browsing through myspace [trust me myspace is DEAD, don't ask me what I was lookin' for] and I come across this dude. I won't even lie, this guy was fine with a capital F and he knew how to carry himself WELL, so I see the profile picture and I'm like "oouh !" but then I get to reading his "About me" section and it became obvious to me that I was reading the profile of someone severely lacking common sense.

Pure ignorance, arrogance and just plain STUPIDITY topped off with more than a dash of conceitedness. At that point I sat back and was like "WHAT IS THIS?!?!?!" I don't know HOW many people I've come across lately who've had the cheek to have this attitude. Yes. Fair enough you're good looking, you've got good hair WHATEVER that doesn't give you the excuse to act like you left your common sense back in your mother's womb. Conceitedness is such a bad habbit that needs to be BOUNCE. Yes I say habbit because nobody ever starts off conceited...it's something that builds up over the years by too many bimbo children bumlickin' a person or them having to forcefully convince themselves that they're the sh*t because they received too little attention from the female/male race. This guy was all talkin' about how he knows how no one is as live as him, about how he always gets "dark skinned niggaz wit inferior hair to him" hatin' on him because their hair isn't as good as his [ OH PLEASE. ] & how he knows he can get what he wants because he's so sexy...I'm like...spare me :|. He then had the cheek to add at the end how he's not conceited just very confident and he knows his worth...whereas what I got from his profile was a guy with no substance who relied on his looks to get him through life & unfortunately this was evidently the case. Girls couldn't get enough of this guy...cheap lookin' girls I won't lie but girls all the same, these were evidently girls with NO brain chasing after him but my question is even those girls who have no respect for themselves...after reading his "about me" why would you STILL want a guy like that ? What could you possibly find attractive about a man who talks about himself and other people in such a backwards manner ?

Now, let me go on record by saying I do not have a problem with people who are confident in themselves, know their worth and know who's worth it and who's not...but theres a little something called HUMILITY that people need to come to terms with, you need to humble yourself for yourself AND those around you...don't go on like an idiot just because some girl/boy told you yesterday they like your hair or whatever.

FIRST OF ALL. The first thing I want to address that has been gettin on my nerves is all this "Niggas be hatin/I got so many haters/Haters fall BACK" flex that people seem to be on. The word "Hater" is used EVER so lightly these days...but what most people don't understand is that nobody is hatin' on them, have they EVER considered that people just don't like them because their personality STINKS ON ICE ? I don't know HOW many times I've had to make this known to those loose lips that say people are hatin' on them when their actions are just nasty and backwards.

SECOND OF ALL. When a man/woman carries an attitude of "I'm better than everybody else" no matter how good looking they are they need to understand that it INSTANTLY makes them butters a.k.a frass a.k.a God was givin' himself jokes upon making you type frass. It's NOT attractive. There are some girls/boys that for some strange unknown reason LIKE the opposite sex being over conceited but I don't understand why. It's overpowering, a waste of time to be talkin' about yourself 95% of the day and no one gives a damn about whether or not yesterday some girl/boy begged to sleep with you while you were leavin' the club...do you hear ?! NO ONE CARES.

Bruv the last time I came across a guy like this I didn't even know him but I had to CUSS HIM [Don't judge me. I was immature, hurt and foolish...we all make mistakes and I said sorry lol] this dude was all postin 10second long videos on youtube of him lickin' his lips, talkin' about how so many girls are on his "jock", engaging in just some pure NASTINESS & postin' it up on the internet like anyone wants to see...& the way he was jus' so obsessed with his hair was FRUITY.

All I'm sayin is, actions like this get on my nerves probably more than ANYTHING. It's one of my biggest pet peeves for a person to go on THAT HYPE because some random any girls/boys told them they're sexy or whatever, there's just no excuse to start acting that way...at the end of the day if you have a personality that's shallow drip drip type shallow, then what are you left with ? What do you even have to hold onto ? I used to have a lot of fun lettin' these types of people know that they were NOBODIES...but eventually you're just left to feel sorry for them, because they'll never be able to truly appreciate anybody or anything.

We all know looks matter, we all would ideally want someone attractive and who our friends will look at and be jealous cause we've got someone nice on our arms...but the best lookin' person isn't exactly gonna love you the best & time has continually taught me that it's usually the "pretty" ones that bring the most trouble. I'm not saying don't aim high or have standards or whatever, but when push comes to shove it's not what matters above all else...especially if you're lusting after your DAMN self.

Ok I'm done

xoxo

Happy new year my loves'.

2010-01-01T10:03:00.000-08:00

I drew this earlier on in the midst of my relaxation time...ahhh *sips my cranberry juice* so I thought I'd share it with you guys :o)

I'll be back with my goals & resolutions soon

xoxo

A bit of randomity is always good.

2009-12-28T17:27:00.000-08:00

We live in a world, where everybody can be themselves

Yet people choose to live the lives of someone else

Fake names, fake image, real games & real lies

They don't realize that eventually...the game gets old.

The mask wears down, the truth comes out

So what're you left with ?

You can't pretend forever

Eventually who you are starts breaking out

Your personality starts to show, before you know it there you are...

& when the day comes, how do you explain ?

What reason do you have for acting this way ?

As for me...I choose to be me

Sit in the beauty of who I am

Show myself off & the way my God created me

Flaws & all, truths and all my mistakes

Living my life for you, for me, so we know

That there's no one out there who can do me better than me

The same way no one can be you better than you

So why would you try & be somebody else ?

& put yourself in a position where you're stripped down

Watered down, empty & without shape

So if you're not you, then who are you ?

As for me, I'm me...I'm as me as they come.

- Pookie.

I was singing to no particular beat, melody or anything & then this happened and I wrote down what I could remember... yes, I know it has no solid flow nor does it make much sense but it's a work in progress. The first time I got it down on paper it was actually much messier than this & a whole lot longer but I'm working on it...it's not lyrics or a poem...I don't even know what to call it, but eventually I'll turn it into something anyway.

xoxo

Merry Christmas everyone <3

2009-12-25T18:25:00.000-08:00

I didn't wanna be cliche' & post the picture of a tree, so ya know.

Anyway merry christmas to everyone, hope you all had an amazing day :o)

Being the birthday girl [yesss my birthday is on christmas day *throws my neeky glasses on that I teefed from the cinema when I went to see Avatar 3D* so I did infact have a good day today...I can't post any pics due to the fact that I can't find my USB link for my camera...hard times...but I'm sure theres 1 or 20 pics of me on facebook of me SLIPPIN' in my pyjama's again.

Love all my readers, even you silent ones <3

xoxo

I'm good.

2009-12-17T17:59:00.000-08:00

Tonight me & my girl skipped down memory lane, but this time down my memories.

Every now and then we have a lil session like this, where we just sit back & laugh about our past stupidness & embarrassing behaviours but today we talked about something that had originally caused me pain.

I can say for the most part that I am extremely happy that I was able to laugh about it. This is a situation that for the longest while I'd refrained from talking about or mentioning with anyone nor had I ever gotten as deep into the memories as I did tonight. However today I went...well...almost all out [I say almost because we're tired now & need to sleep] so we had to cut it short at a certain point... but I had so much fun.

It was silly lol, and it was good to laugh about how silly I've been in the past when it came to my actions and my state of mind. I was nowhere near as angelic as I made out or people thought I was, I wasn't thinking or as wise as I thought I was at the time...& the way I seriously went all out...it was quite hilarious, so for the past hour it's just been pure giggles and "oh my gosh's" at my own stupidity.

The point of this whole blog is...I thought that in this situation I'd never be at a place where I could laugh about it the way I did tonight and it means a lot to be. Even though at the time I thought that it'd be too delicate for me to ever talk about as well as me thinking that I wouldn't ever be able to get over it, tonight proved me wrong. I was touching on areas I thought I'd long dusted under the rug or forced myself to forget, I was laughing about things that would've any other time brought tears to my eyes, all this shows me just how far I've come...because I don't hurt anymore even though the situation was so painful.

Fair enough, I still struggle for peace of mind sometimes, it's a shame how things turned out and there were certain parts that I seriously could've avoided but at the end of the day...now I'm laughing...and I'm glad.

I also wanted to use this as a time to encourage someone who's going through their own hurts and probably don't think they'll ever be able to come out of it & laugh about it. Trust me when I say you will, it may take a while...you'll cry a lot and for a while you'll be a brick but trust me, eventually when a person is fully able to let go of something & move on despite the outcome of a situation, eventually it falls into the category of things that are just the past. We're all human, we're all hurt, but as long as we're still standing we can move on.

Sending all my love

-xoxo

More Changes.

2009-12-15T15:03:00.000-08:00

What's goodie ?

So today, I thought of a few changes that need to be made in my life. & no. I'm not on this "2010 I'm gonna start doin this & this" business, my changes are gonna start from now.

I had a lot of fun with my hair today, so I decided for about a year or so I'm gonna keep it short, I'm in no rush to grow it out at all plus it suits the look I'm goin' for...so no more braids of weave for a looooong time.

I've also decided to get three more piercings. This was inspired by the fact that the back of my top piercing closed up today & I'm too chicken to push through the covered skin with the stud on my own...I mean...that CAN'T be safe can it ? *shudders thinking about it* no no no no no. I decided I was gonna take my ass to Claire's tomorrow and see what I can do about it...& while I'm at it why not get three more ? This will mean in total I have about...8 ? Yes some family members may have a stroke seeing THAT and YES I am crazy for piercing the other side of the top of my ear knowing how much it KILLED last time...but who cares ? Once it heals it'll look great. Plus I don't plan on piercing anywhere on my face...belly button or anything...so I just want to enjoy this alright ?! *Rolls my eyes at the thought of family reactions* Cheeyz man it's not like it's my nipple or anything.

I've also decided I'm gonna push out a few more people from my life. Making the decision to switch from Art to music and seeing who supported me through it really made me realize who my friends are, those who believe in my dreams and those who think I'm wasting my time...at least now I know who I value and who believes in me.

Better yet still, I've discovered, if not for the fact that it's so cold outside, that I LOVE to be outside. Of course, I'm not a "road gyal", I won't be outside aimlessly doing nothing...but I like going places, I love to be busy. I've realized when I sit at home and I'm not doing much [if I'm not practicing] I get irritated...I need to be OUT somewhere doing something productive. Sure enough every once in a while you need the day to just relax and be you in your pjamz watching cartoons & eating things that'll spoil you from the inside out...but I just love it when I come home late and I'm too tired to do anything else and then just sleep, it's awesome times cause I know I'm one step closer to where I need to be. So I've decided to throw myself into a bunch of things that'll keep my weekdays as full as ever, now that I'm on a gap year I can pretty much do whatever I want...so I'm gonna use that time to better myself.

Finally, I'm considering going to America for uni...it's been pushed in my face so I figure I should take it right ? It's a big risk and a big change but it could also bring great things. It would mean a fresh start...which I know I need...it would mean a clean slate, not that I have anything to run from but it would be a "forward ever" kinda thing...I dunno, I just see big opportunities. Plus as a musician it would be great for me to really flourish properly there would it not ? I know I need to step my game waaay up before then, but still thinking of how much I could learn, grow and enjoy myself over there just makes me want to be there more and more. The only thing holding me back is that I wouldn't want to miss out on anything here, but as it stands right now there isn't anything I would be SERIOUSLY leaving behind that I wouldn't be able to start again once I get there sooo.....SAT exams ? Yes ?

All these thoughts were inspired by the fact that I went to get new glasses today, my eyes are getting better so they gave me a different prescription & I got to pick new glasses :o)

Till next time

xoxo

P.S - I'm back on Twitter...I dunno how the hell this happened but find me here

-xo

Great day, thoughtful evening.

2009-12-12T17:49:00.000-08:00

Hey all, I'll start off first by saying I had an amazing day today. Went up to Nottingham & performed with my choir at the SDA church. Was it an amazing performance ? Best believe mate. Soprano's we're doin this as usual [dun know], alto's sounded amazing, tenors were on this...altogether it was great & we did what we were supposed to do anyway which was glorify God. Despite the few dirty stares from the old ladies due to our clapping, dancing and raising of hands, it was a really good night. I had a hell of a lot of fun, will definitely post pics tomorrow.

So, the reason I chose to write this blog was because I was reading one of my girl's one that she made to vent her feelings and frustrations prior to her recent breakup & I've never seen her get so bare and real in all the time I've known her. She was actually very open and honest with herself and those who may come across it [this is actually one of the best ways to deal with a breakup as lying to yourself never gets you anywhere & the hurt only digs itself in deeper] and I think she was being very brave in doing so. This then set me back to thinking about my own...well the closest thing I've ever had to a break up, it reminded me of one of my favourite lines from Sara Bareilles - Between the lines [yeah we all know I'm a fan] and it goes:

"I tell myself, all the words he surely meant to say

I'll talk until, the conversation doesn't stay on

'Wait for me I'm almost ready'...when he meant let go"

It's the last line exactly that used to hit the hardest. This is due to the simple fact that people make it a habbit of leading other people on and I'm just like...why ? what exactly are you getting out of it ? All you're really doing is giving yourself unnecessary headache plus stress AND setting the other party involved up for some serious heartbreak. If you don't love someone, why say it ? If you fall OUT of love with someone why don't you tell them ? I mean why play games ? Thing is, it makes things a hell of a lot easier to be honest, it really does, it may not look that way at the time but it makes it a million times worse when you get FOUND OUT than when you come clean. You aren't going to die after telling the truth neither will the other party involved, but at least then you can walk away knowing you were honest.

To this day I really don't understand it, it's ridiculous...I've seen this happen to so...SO many people time and time again & it's just so...soo UNNECESSARY. If you know someone likes you a hell of a lot more than you like them & you're not on it then you give it to them straight then you bounce, simple as. People will argue with me that it's not that easy but it honestly really is, unless you really didn't care in the first place...in that case you're just clearly on a madness.

It puts you in a painful place to know that you loved someone with everything you had yet they never loved you in the first place, but what's worse is that they pretended like they did.

In my opinion now, a person should only allow themselves to fall in love with someone ONCE. Falling in love more than one time aint what they make it look like in films. Because at the end of the day when you love someone that you have no real future with you completely disregard the fact that one day you guys are going to break up & after you've finished making that person your everything & giving them your heart...when they leave you're left with all this pain & a piece of your heart missing that you will never get back. I know people say "you can't help who you fall in love with" and believe me I know...but I beg you be smart about the decision, no one should give their heart to anyone unless they know for a damn fact what they're doing...there is NOTHING wrong with playing hard to get or keeping your guard up, because it's when a person is willing to take away the shield and be like "Look, I'm here, I aint goin' nowhere so you might as well drop this nonsense & let me have you" that you know they're the real deal.

I know this blog probably makes little sense, & it's a bit random...but my hand has been on my chin a lot this evening...so I thought I'd share, even though it sounds more like a rant lol.

-xoxo

Butterflies on the cross.

2009-11-30T10:42:00.000-08:00

So today I drew this. This was inspired when I was listening to Carolinexoxo as she was singing "Turn your lights down low" [ her earlier version ] and as she was making her riffs and runs I felt the need to draw, so I did.

But I've dropped the pencil now.

Meaning I'm no longer a Graphic Design student.

A lot of people have asked me why I've decided to drop Art & Design as my major & it's for these reasons here.

- I like Art, don't get me wrong I really do. I love to draw...just not the way universities demand from you. I was trying to kid myself for a while that it's what I'm passionate about and I love it but that's not the case & lying to yourself only throws you into a deeper whole. Art & Design [ specifically graphic design because that's what I was doing ] is a course that demands a hell of a lot of your time and patience, you need to literally BREATHE the subject if you're going to really excel in it, have dreams about it at night and allsorts cause it needs to be IN you...& i'm just not like that about it at all [ It took me going up to a Nottingham Trent University open day to realize this ].

- So from there I thought....omdz... I actually have a serious problem cause I've just realized I don't want to do Graphic design anymore...but then I had a talk with Hope & she asked me what I'm passionate about and what I see myself doing, at that moment I looked over at my piano and I said...."this....". Then we ended up launching into like an hours discussion about me changing my whole career aspects and what it is I want to do with my life & the goals that would be necessary for me to reach in order for me to get there. This was about...a month ago or so and at the time everything she was saying looked damn near impossible...so I was still stuck.

- 2 weeks later and after seeking council from a lot of the loved ones in my life, I decided to go for it. Now a month later here I am, sending off my application form to take my grade exams in Piano & vocal, filling out my UCAS on my own, finding references and reviewing how the hell I'm gonna structure my personal statement. Part of a brand new choir [ The shebach choir, performing in Nottingham on the 12th of Dec ], Getting CONSTANT links into the gospel industry through my girl Mabel a.k.a May [ if you don't know her, get to know her, shes a dime ] & last night I think was one of the most amazing nights I've had in a long time. Nothing special happened, but May took me to her youth church she usually sings at [ where I was really really blessed so to speak ] & I met so many amazing people who are in love with this side of the creative arts too. I met actors, dancers, spoken word artists, singers, songwriters & musicians and I was just absolutely blown away by them, the fact that I fit right in shifted something in me.

I'm now involved in a hell of a lot of projects & workshops that I'm gonna be constantly in from now till September, I'm still always in training especially cause I'm quite new to this...I came up with the "Butterflies on the cross" thing because of my new-ness. See, May calls those who are up and coming " Butterflies" so I was branded as a butterfly yesterday & the cross thing signifies in my life that everything I'm doing I'm doing it for my God, because I owe it all up to him. I wouldn't even be where I am today if not for him. I've been so ill for the past month or so but in the midst of all that I've somehow found the strength to not STAY down, realize my dreams ARE in reach and make the necessary movements & set the necessary goals to reach them.

[ Also, I just want to make it clear. I do not repeat DO NOT want to be in the mainstream music industry. Oh no. The industry is a HOT MESS and I would never ever place myself in the midst of all that. I know where I'm going and I know what I want to be. I'm just doing what I need to do in order to get there ]

I'm currently working towards taking my grade 6 Piano exam and my grade 8 vocal exam, I'm scared as hell but I know I can do it if I focus.

I'm gonna be part of a bunch of courses from January, all contributing towards my training in the necessary areas, so my foundation year has to go.

My weeks are very busy, and my schedule is always full but I love it that way. I love it because it's productive AND I'm enjoying it, it's what I'm passionate about. I never ever in a million years thought I would get to where I am now...I have a life. A life that's mine and no one else's, A life where it's just me & God & where I no longer care about silly things like having a boyfriend or unnecessary friends, I'm trying to keep it relevant, I can thankfully say I'm on a "Wasteman get behind thee" movement [ courtesy of Kanika Ess ] & I can hold my own for as long as I need to.

As the year is almost over, I realize just how far I've come in the space of 12 months. I'm almost 20 & I've finally got me back. I know there's still a lot I need to learn, still so much more I need to grow and my road is still long, but I can get there, I know I can... no BODY can ever try tell me otherwise.

Have a good night all

xoxo

Hmm...cuuuuuuuuuurious...

2009-11-19T17:09:00.000-08:00

Ok question :

Do you think there's one select person made out there for all of us ? Or do you think love is what you make it ?

I'm on the fence. I think that love is what you make it, but then again if you can make it work with someone and the relationship ends up perfect for you then doesn't that mean that person is right for you and no one else ? The bone of your bone ? Your Adam/Eve ?
I think people are too quick to jump into relationships then end up hurt due to lack of patience, but if it's done right, if you're both on the same page, you obviously feel so strongly about this person & you seem to just fit in a way that you can spend the rest of your life with that person....then that's you right there right ?
I think as usual it's all a waiting game, but when you've found that person that you know is perfect for you as in DON'T GET NO BETTERRRRR & you dun know you won't ever wanna be with anybody else...then that's your one.

Just a thought.

xoxo

Write me a letter, not an email.

2009-11-19T08:19:00.000-08:00

Ahhhh, love letters. Love letters. Lurrrv letters. I love them. I love them because they mean so much more recieving a letter that took time to write than taking the 20minutes to punch in a few keys on the computer. I love it when you see all the cross outs, the underlines, the chicken scratch handwriting cause they eventually got tired...that means more than any email in my books.
I dunno if I'm the only person who still loves the idea of love letters, but if I am so be it.

I was reading Christiana's blog earlier on today [ I refer to her so casually because I'm sure you all know of her already ] and I was reminded of an earlier blog she wrote called "Bringing back natural interactions" [ at least I think it was called that anyway ]. This blog stirred something in me, cause I've always been a big fan of letters, post it's, notes, lunch dates etc.
Even though I have no problems with calling someone because sometimes it really is necessary I just think sometimes a visit is more appropriate...a lunch date... go see a movie together...something ? All these things over time have been so slyly replaced by :
- Texts
- BBm & iChat
- Facebook/Myspace/Twitter
- Phone calls
- Voicemails even @_@
- Skype etc etc
Even though I'm guilty of using these...very guilty actually because some people you just DON'T want to see face to face, you should never get no wrapped up in it that you get addicted so you have virtually no time for yourself or end up spending no REAL time with anybody else.
[ This used to be one of my biggest problems, but over the course of this year I've come to realize life begins to literally pass you by, even when you're in the presence of other people you're still possibly texting someone else, or your phone rings, or your BB messenger goes off or something ].

I dunno, call me old fashioned, but I just find it means so much more to go that extra mile, you know ?

xoxo

Forgiveness ? Necessary ?

2009-11-18T11:50:00.000-08:00

So I was reading a blog by Christiana [ Christiana Rants ] called "Forgiveness & Bowties" & I was all noddin' away with what she was sayin, shaking my head at the necessary points & what not until I got to the end where she asked all readers for our opinion. I was pretty sure what I was going to say until I started typing it. At first I was all like "Yeah, I agree man trust, forgiveness is essential, you have to forgive & let go cause it's healthy for YOU bla bla bla" so sure about what the hell I was saying, until I got to the middle of my lil paragraph and started to disagree with myself...I weren't like "If a person doesn't deserve it then just let go" but I was thinking...how far can you go with forgiveness ?

If someone does you wrong of course the first thing that's gonna come to your mind is that you can't forgive them, because it's hard, real talk it is, forgiveness isn't something that comes as naturally as it should, it takes time and a whole lot of hurt & releasing to be able to REALLY let go, but is that person worth all of that is my question. I know we have to forgive, not even for them but for us, it's essential because it's healthier for us [ plus you're gonna be the ones loosin' sleep at night and not the other party involved ] but sometimes do they really deserve it ? & how far are you expected to go ?

Some think forgiveness means letting the person who hurt you back into your life no matter what circumstance. I say it depends. If it's a small issue that with time you know you'll get over/ it was an accident and the person didn't intentionally hurt you or something then I see no issue with [ in due time ] allowing the person back into your life. HOWEVER. I question whether it's okay to let a person back into your life who after hurting you showed no real remorse but then suddenly decided to find a conscience and apologize somewhere down the line, but it could depend how deep the hurt runs.

It's hard man, let me not lie.

It's hard to let go of what's broken you and say you forgive someone, because you know for a damn fact while you're struggling to do so they're carrying on with life as normal while you're trying to pick up the pieces.

But I guess you're doing it for you, not them.

xoxo

Goodnight love.

2009-11-17T16:33:00.000-08:00

"Goodnight love, because tomorrow's another day. Thank you for today though, because when I asked you to make me smile, you did."

xoxo

My christmas wishlist

2009-11-16T17:24:00.000-08:00

I saw a status that made me laugh on my facebook about what they want for Christmas, so for kicks I decided to write my own list [ don't laugh ]:

1. An iPhone, I had the opportunity to buy this last year, I don't know what possessed me to NOT get it. The new one just looks so beautiful, mines, I want
2. New glasses. As crazy as it may sound I want the proper big neeky glasses, just cause they're different lol
3. New Pj's
4. A big teddy bear, I've wanted one since I was like 16
5. A pair of Gladiator heels [ Now, don't get me wrong. Me wearing heels is a RARE cosmic event, however I love the look of them & I will throw them on for special occasions ]
6. Yes, another notebook
7. Heroes, Supernatural AND 24 box set's
8. Moneys please tanx
9. Flat shoes in every colour
10. Nail polish in every colour [ HA ! Like I paint my nails on the regular. Still. Would be good to have ]
11. Cook book please !
12. Studs in every colour
13. New iPod. Preferably the iPod touch :o)
14. A new sketchbook ? Maybe ?
15. All the CS3 series
16. A book, any book, that can jump start me into learning guitar until I've got time for lessons
17. A wheat bag [ don't ask ]
18. Big earphones
19. Pretty pens.
20. Socks. Yes I said socks. I don't like walking around my halls barefoot

xoxo

Progress.

2009-10-31T20:04:00.000-07:00

This is my darling that sits in my mama's house. I had to take a picture of this beauty the other day because she & I were having such good times.

I composed the first part to "Fix me" on friday. It was a bit of a challenge and it took a while but I did it. Hope helped me by dropping the main chords for the chorus and helpin' me come up with a consistant melody, but it was my job to come up with the first verse and the bridge.

I felt really proud of myself because I was able to do so, in only the space of 2 months I'm already able to read music & play songs, it was one of my biggest achievements to be able to play one of my favourite songs "Love song" by Sara Bareilles, so now the fact that I'm actually growing more and being able to compose makes my heart...swell lol. Even though the chords are a lil basic at the moment, it's still progress right ? I've only been at this for 2 months & I think I'm doing pretty damn well, all by God's grace.

I'm unfortunately sick again, plus under a hell of a lot of pressure because of my coursework load & my choice of which choir I want to join and where I'm gonna stay grounded and where I'm gonna officially start my degree etc etc...it's all a lil much at the moment but I don't doubt that I'll end up where I'm supposed to be.

However, it's 3am in the morning, I'm procrastinating watching super nanny & drinking aero hot chocolate (yum =] ), I really do need to start some experiments.

I'll try & see if I could drop a blog tomorrow, but before I do I wanna leave by saying something that has been pressed onto me in the past...3 days or so ?

Grudges aren't nor will they ever be worth it, it's important to let go. When you hold onto things that someone did for you, use them as excuses and drag them out no one is loosing out except you ? I'm not saying this like it's easy, I know how tough it is, but make it a goal, make it a mindset not to keep grudges especially when it's unnecessary. This does NOT mean forgive anybody that's ever wronged them and then begin to build a relationship with them again so they can come & hurt you again after. No. This means forgive & let it go...that's it.

Ok I'm done.

xoxo

Early morning blues

2009-10-27T01:38:00.000-07:00

*Frowns*

Morning all, I'm up extra early to finish my coursework...I should've been up earlier [ 5:00am actually ] but I couldn't do it, I couldn't bring myself to wake up at that ridiculous time especially since I fell asleep at 1:00am...so now I'm up at 8:00am & i'm feeling weird...I'm not used to it...waking up earlier than necessary is not the one :o(

Anyway. I thought I'd write a blog quickly before I get started on my work [ or do anything else for that matter ] about patience which is something I've noticed I'm severely lacking, it seems that the time you need it most is when it becomes the most annoying factor in your life ; to have to wait...and wait...and wait...while sometimes not even knowing what exactly you're waiting for. Unfortunately you need patience for everything. You need to be patient about your goals, you need to be patient about your healing, you need to be patient when your waiting in line to get that Chicken bake from Greggs when your damn starving & the queue is a mile long because it's lunch time *breathes in*...you need to wait for everything ! but my notion is that anything that's worth it takes time, so as long as your not wasting your time on something or someone who's not worth it then you're good to go.

It's really important that as people we spend our time properly, time is precious & we don't have a lot of it, so we need to spend it on the right things especially since most of the things we wait for are out of our hands...I mean... we can't exactly speed up our success so that we suddenly get what we want faster ? we can't exactly fast forward time so that that right person walks into our life before we're ready can we ? & more importantly we can't make people that are slow do what we want ; what we need to do in that time of patience is we need to invest.

For example, a lot of people get really impatient when it comes to gettin' married or being with someone, they don't wanna wait to find that right person so they jump ahead of themselves & then they end up settling or being with someone that aint right for them when if they had just waited a little longer the right person would've come their way. Hell singleness is a blessing, in the time when you're single and you're waitin' on that time of singleness to come to an end you need to be patient & invest that time in yourself. Grow as a person, learn more things about yourself, do the things you've always wanted to do & do the necessary to achieve your goals, really spend time on yourself & more importantly recognize what you want out of the next relationship to come so you don't end up wasting your time.

Even in things like makin' money, I know a lot of dudes who get impatient and then go about it in the wrong way, what's wrong with waiting & then strategizing properly ? If you have dreams invest properly in your time so it's easier for you to reach them, for example don't sit there and be like " I wanna play basketball professionally" yet you're sittin' at home on your ass all day, not making attempts to train or join a team or anything that's necessary for you to get there then start complaining when the dream aint happening...you're just wasting your time & more importantly my time because I'm sitting there having to listen to you complain when I could be doing something ELSE.

Patience is something we all have to deal with, and it does get hard let me not lie, especially since I lack so much of it, but it takes time. Biggest time waster is people who'll ask me for advice, I give it to them [ after hours of listening to their life story & then spending another 30mins to give them the solution ], then 5mins later they go and do the OPPOSITE of what I said then come back later to complain about the situation, I get so pissed off & 99% of the time I give up, but I guess if everyone was like me then everyone would be givin' up on everybody.

The essense of this blog is just a reminder to me & I guess anyone else who's readin this that there's nothing wrong with a lil' patience, just make sure you're investing your time properly.

xoxo

"Friends"

2009-10-23T11:21:00.000-07:00

Hello all, I'm back so long as I have space :o)

My life's been a madness since I last sat down to properly blog on here, who knew my foundation year would be so intense ? I've really had to get myself together and prioritize so this barely leaves me with any time for myself, however when I do find time for myself I'm found writing, practising the piano or just being.

I'm involved in a lot of stuff this year so I'm always busy, but in the midst of my busy-ness I have been able to stop...and stare, this meaning taking the time to sit down and actually evaluate my life and those around me. In these times theres always something new I'm learning or finding.

Honestly speaking, a lot of my "friends" have dropped from my life like flies, is this a bad thing ? no not really, you need to shed off the unnecessary and categorize your friends...it took me a while to learn that not every friend you have is necessarily going to be good for you, you need to realize who fits where and until you notice this your actually quite pissed.

You have your first set of friends, which are never usually more than 1 or 2 people, I call it best friends, others call it blood..whatever you choose to call it. These are the people who'll stick with you no matter what, who'll stand by you no matter what stupid thing you did yesterday or the foolish thing you said the day before. They'll standardly get in your face and tell you when your acting like a moron for the sole purpose that they care about you...simply put when you mess up they'll still be there. If you have even one of these types of people in your life consider yourself more than blessed.

The second set of friends are the fake ones. With these types all you need is ONE common ground with them, be it the interest in a male/female, the fact that you both like to go out raving, an ex, a particular person your pretending to like but you really can't stand them...anything...that one common ground is enough for a purpose to be in your life and stick with you like they're one of your best friends when the reality is that one common ground is the only reason why you are friends and once it's gone you have no real reason to even be around that person. A lot of people get confused and think these type of people are gonna be around for life because they "click" [ we've all fallen into this category at some point in our lives ] but once the common ground dies out & you go your seperate ways you end up heartbroken thinking you've lost a true friend, when they were never a true friend to begin with. Recognise this type of friend and keep them at your fingertips.

The third type of friends are the mood killers...well that's what I call them anyway. Them ones that every time you talk to them your mood is swayed [ mostly in a bad direction ], they don't even have to say anything, just the way their facial expression is set about something you're talking about is enough to put you off. They don't like what you like but they'll dislike what you dislike and you may think this is enough of a reason to keep them around...but it's really not. They're self absorbed, uncompassionate and their heads are so far gone up their backside they can't tell left from right let alone be a proper friend to you. They'll either keep you as a friend so they can make themselves look and feel better or they're using you until someone else comes along that they can ditch you for...so the only reason they ever started talking to you was to see what they could get out of you, not so you could benefit anything from them. Simply put friends like these deserve airtime.

Then of course, you get the haters, who'll smile in your face but behind your back it's a different story...you're always gonna have these, don't be surprised, the only way you can effectively deal with them without hurting yourself is to shake it off and go about your business, remember, they're the one loosing sleep over YOUR success, so don't get hurt when you hear someone who's supposed to be your friend has been talking about you behind your back, it's usually because they're the ones with the problem.

Then finally, you have the ones who are "just there". These are the type that if you decided to become dead to the world for a few days and suddenly come back they wouldn't even know you had gone. They aren't really in your life for any reason of significance, they just add to the number of unnecessary friends that you don't need. Everytime you friendship detox, at least two of these types of friends need to go.

I felt the need to write this because I recently realised how so very blessed I am to have some of the people I have in my life be there, for every bad friend you have another good friend can replace, so don't ever feel like your loosing out when you loose a friend who was never really good to you. It took me a while to learn this & it took a lot of pain before the message really settled in, it's a message not everyone is willing to comprehend but it needs to be said, as people we all need each other but your never ever going to need anyone who isn't good for you.

xoxo

Gosh man...

2009-10-08T04:27:00.000-07:00

The way I've been absent from this place is terrible ! My bad.

My facebook addiction is flaring back up again... need to stop that.

I've had uni, I've had workshops, I've been ill, I've had drama on Halls, I've had issues, I've been eating way too much junk food...ok no seriously...

I'll try & start droppin' blogs a bit more frequently again if I can, I actually do have proper stuff to write about...I swear, but already coursework is breakin' my back & I'm gettin' a little run down just trying to organize myself, but I will most deff get back on track.

I have a few things to get off my chest anyways.

xoxo

Open Book.

2009-09-17T13:12:00.001-07:00

Is it possible for me to put down the book without real end ?

The last chapter in the book still left unread

Or is there more to the story ? A part 2 or 3 ?

Too scared to look, too impatient to wait and see

Trust isn't something so freely given

Yet I'm lost in words & lies, told & written

Sitting in the centre of the world of make believe

Flipping through pages in hopes I can achieve...

The kind of fairy tale that I've always dreamed

Writing the definition of love, changing it, so it seemed

Eyes flying across the words of the story that you wrote

Becomming all too familiar with your lines & quotes

If it's possible to rewrite the book believe me I would

Change it so that it's for MY greater good

But the book's already written, the book without real end

The last chapter still very much left unread

- Pookie.

I wrote this pretty early this year, although a lot of you may not know what the hell I'm on about, it may be all over the place and there's no constant flow; the words and meaning behind it have great significance to me so I thought I'd post it up here. When I wrote it I was crying, an emotional wreck and had no sense of direction, so now reading it back I realize just how far I've come from that place. The closure I was so greatly seeking when I wrote this I no longer need nor do I want it,I realize that I did manage to rewrite the end of the book & the book just as it is all DID work for my greater good. I've grown.

xoxo

Moved out.

2009-09-10T08:00:00.000-07:00

Okay..okay. It's been a million years since I last blogged about anything, don't get me wrong I've meant to...I've got like 3 blogs waiting to be published that I haven't been able to finish.
It's just the past couple of weeks have been so overly busy.
First off, I moved into my halls of residence this week in Elly & Castle. My first impressions weren't good, I was lonely, hungry, PMSing & tired as hell cause I hadn't slept the night before. Plus I didn't know anyone, I had met one Tenant [ Cassie ] & she seemed alright [pics soon come] but that didn't take away from the fact that I felt so awkward & homesick. No tv, no food [ ok...I had food but there was no proper seasoning & for me I'd rather not eat than eat food thats dry as hell ], no internet, no nothing...so my first thought was, "what the hell am I doing here again?".
It's now been like...2 days ? & I've settled in a whole lot better, I've met & jammed with a couple more people from my floor & the floors up & downstairs, they aint really what I'm used to but they're really nice people; we went out yesterday night lol... very interesting night, but that's a story for another day.

I'll upload pics soon...when I have the time. I'm going home today just to spend some time with the fam...I really surprisingly do miss them a hell of a lot <3 one train away seems too far lol & also of course...my piano *love heart sign* I never thought I'd fall in love with it as much as I have...*sniffs*...just proof that in my 2nd year I'll have to get a place of my own so I can buy one to practice on a regular.
I'm now in a choir too...sorta...i'll explain later lol.

xoxo

Is love really THAT blind ?

2009-08-29T16:50:00.000-07:00

This picture just says it all, in the sense that sometimes...we're the ones blinding ourselves.

Everyone likes the feeling of love, being in love.
The good morning texts.
The "I just wanted to let you know how much I miss you" emails/inboxes.
The snuggle times.
The kisses.
The feeling of knowing someone feels the same way about you that you do them.

But no one thinks about the consequences.

The consequences that the person you're falling for just may not be worth the love that you're giving to them.
Being mentally/physically abused, having the foundations of your peace of mind shaken, loosing who you are & your life, the risk of your whole being becoming about that person then the relationship becomes unhealthy.
Why ?
Because we're not smart.
I know so many girls who are so in love with the idea of falling in love, they're willing to dive into anything no matter how painful it is just so they can experience it. They obviously have no idea what they're on about... but for those of us who have been in love before, isn't it really worth it to just take things that bit slower ?
Rushing as I've learned only ever leads to hurt you could've avoided if you were smarter, I mean, what's wrong with spending a little more time with each other just as friends ? [ I almost said "mate"...oh my daze @_@ ] without all the messy stuff like sex & feelings & time limits, why not take it that little bit slower to really KNOW the person you're about to give your heart too. It's not about "longin it" as some people like to call it, it's about taking the time to really get to know someone, before you willingly give up your peace of mind & wholeness of heart to someone else to keep.

I recently made up my mind that if a guy is ever in the picture, it would have to be a month + before I even make up my mind that I like them as a FRIEND let alone start to allow myself to have feelings for them, because if that aint the case you get idiots tellin you after 1 week how much they like you, how great they supposedly think you are & all this other foolishness that belongs in the bin. The purer the foundations the better.
Although...people say there is the problem of when you have a good friendship with someone & you get into a relationship with that person, if you break up with them there's a strong chance that it'll be harder to salvage the friendship after. Sometimes it is but sometimes it isn't. People make the mistake of not giving each other space after they break up, when I say space I mean REAL space, space enough so they can think about their ex being with someone else & it's practically no skin off their nose, that's when they know they're ready enough to start their friendship again from the top.
Trust me when I say I'm ready to take things as slow as possible out here, cause that guy who is the truth WILL stand the test of time.
It's better to be smart about these things than to wrecklessly go in & by the end of it be several pieces of your heart short because some looser still has bits of it in his pocket.

xoxo

Yawns Just a quick update.

2009-08-29T14:02:00.000-07:00

I'm so jealous.
I've had the longest weekend, I've had barely any rest the whole week so I really just wanna collapse into my bed [its got that fresh bed sheet feelin` goin on too] & let sleep drown me.
However I can't.
Cause I'm being forced to watch final destination 3.
So I though before I konk out let me drop a blog.
Ahem.
It's been a really long week too...but thankfully this week has all been about personal growth for me. I've been spending a lot of time in the kitchen cooking [ I was surprised to learn that I actually am a good cook] & I baked cookies on friday with Cindy. I made them by 5:00pm & by the time I got back downstairs by 7:00pm my family had demolished them. I was too proud of myself to get irri over it, hell, I thought I'd bun cookies if I ever baked them on my own but I didn't & u knowwwww this maynnnnnnnnnn.

Also, my Piano & music theory is getting a hell of a lot better :o). In terms of my vocals ...erm...confidence & creativity is my biggest problem right now. I can adlib & sing all I want on my own, but once I get up infront of a croud I freeze up [as proved last week thursday...I'd rather not talk about it thanks]. It was some seriously emotional times, I cried after & Cindy and my vocal coach scolded me like never before...it's not like I were seriously singing in a concert, I was ministering in a church & I got waaay more nervous than I should have allowed myself to cause I weren't prepared, plus I'd let a bad comment get to my head & shattered my confidence.
However, I ministered again last night to my own church & it went a hell of a lot better...I was still nervous as hell but I handled it better. I guess this is just another hurdle I have to overcome & I know with time I will. In terms of the song I'm writing I unfortunately haven't been paying as much attention to it as I should have been, so I plan to use the next couple of days to really get some stuff down.

Plus, I move out next sunday. Am I shittin' bricks ? Hell yes. I have NO idea what's in store for me in terms of who I'm living with and the experience life is about to throw at me. I don't know anyone in the uni, I don't have any idea where to even start...& I'm spending so much money this year which is KILLING me...I hope it's all worth it.

xoxo

A lot of love for...

2009-08-24T19:29:00.000-07:00

Sara Bareilles <3

A lot of people may not see it, but her lyrics & music are a stroke of pure genius.
The definition of original, n even though this song sounds like somethin` you'd hear on an advert I love the meaning behind it.
Her album = G.O.A.T.

xoxo

Always be.

2009-08-24T18:54:00.000-07:00

"I don't wanna hear "I'll be your superman" cause we both know that you can't fly...all the same..I'll accept you takin` the train to come & save me".
- Pookie.

My lil` quote there is me simply expressing the importance of being yourself...so you get the real gist of what you're dealing with.
Why quack like a duck when you're a dog ?
If you know you're ONLY Clark Kent, then tell me, n' take the train/bus to come & find me...I'll still appreciate that you came.
Allow me, I'm having a random moment, blame late night music.

xoxo

Family times = Good times.

2009-08-23T17:35:00.000-07:00

Today was a nice day. My 2 fav cousins are down from Nigeria & my nephew, so today was family day.
Full of Nando's, fanta & plentyful jokes.

I don't really get why people say me & this chicken look like twins, it's so blatant that she's my younger sister...

This is Roro [a.k.a Papa], he's such a naughty boy & a troublemaker but I love him to bits...I notice I act really immature around kids...he's passed the age where hes too cute to look for his trouble. I had just given him a bath in that pic & he was so tired, plus I look a hot mess & probably smelled like soap but we still had a lot of fun.

It's all love

xoxo

Tinsel town pt 1

2009-08-22T19:30:00.000-07:00

Nice night out ladies, we were rollin'

[ Courtesy of Abby, Lauz, Fatz & Nabz ]

xoxo

Thank you..

2009-08-22T19:29:00.001-07:00

Your advice enabled me to school uneducated eggheads like Keppi on how to brush up on their game...

Dunno where I'd be without it

:o)

xoxo

I'm having a nerd moment.

2009-08-18T16:45:00.001-07:00

Right.
I want to dedicate this blog to my darlingest Jacob Black *does a love heart sign a million times over*.
Now I read this book ages ago, but I felt the need to express the love for my fav character 'cause people underestimate his greatness.
Jacob Black is everything Edward Cullen should be & everything Bella want's but cause shes so caught up on Edward's looks she fails to realize this. Canyewimagine.
People say it's all about Edward just because he'd protect Bella & look after her & put all her interests first & bla bla bla *rolls eyes* as if Jake wouldn't do that too & more. Jake would do everything Edward can & do it better. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I dislike Edward but ever since he left Bella for a year + in "New moon" he just proved to be not on point.
I loved that the 2nd book was all about Jake...& for once Bella was able to really be her own person. When Edward's around, all Bella is is Edward. All she talks about is Edward. All she thinks about is Edward. The only person she's ever around is Edward [ & maybe Alice but again with Alice comes EDWARD], Edward this, Edward that, for goodness sake man she has NO mind when Edward is around. Her stupid infatuation that she calls "love" for Edward which is solely based on his looks is what's made me put down the last book & read another book instead, shes so ghey & :| ... Someone isn't supposed to come & take away your sense of self so you get so lost in them. No. You're supposed to both add to each other lives, not they come along & become your whole damn life I mean wdf ? So when they for one reason or another have to leave what are you gonna do then ? You're gonna be left with nothing that's what which is clearly what happened in book 2 & then you were depressed out of your mind, damn near suicidal until Jacob came. This girl shes such an idiot. Never have I read about such foolishness.
But when it's all about JAKE. Bella's free to do whatever she wants, be around whoever she wants to be around, live her life & have her dreams the way SHE wants to. Plus he's her best friend, her partner in crime & her rock, Jake is the WHOLE package & a bag of chips, I don't understand why she can't see this. Sure Jacob is slightly immature, a bit wreckless & has temper problems but isn't that what it's all about ? growing together ? being with someone who makes you whole & loves you the way you are ? she was damaged goods & still in love with some bloodsucker who left her cause he's chupid & Jacob came along and stitched her back up...in my opinion how she repaid him was not on par at all.

All I can say is this. If Jacob Black was real you'd have to pry me off him with a crowbar.
I'd be a wolf girl anyday.

xoxo

Anonymous.doc

2009-08-16T15:55:00.000-07:00

[Test]

Dear anonymous,

Whoever's out there & is coming into my life next, there are a few things about me that you need to know before you decide to ride this progressing train.
I mean c'mon, if you're gonna be my partner in crime there needs to be some ground rules first.
First of all, in the words of Kelly Clarkson, "I do not hook up, I fall deep" meaning we take it slow...& I'm not talkin "linkin" for a few months & then decide to be together. No. I'm talking "Musiq soulchild - Buddy" or "Musiq Soulchild - Just friends" style...hell....Musiq had the whole idea. We either do it that way to begin with or no way at all & you will just remain my associate forever. I take things slow for a reason, if you rush me it won't be nice for either of us.
Secondly, I will not believe you if you tell me you like me just after a couple of weeks/one month...that's rubbish. I will not believe you if you tell me you want to spend ridiculous amounts of money on me when you barely know me, that's how you know crap is just sitting heavy behind your words. I won't listen to you if you repeat lines to me I heard on the movie I watched the previous day, or you tell me what you think you know about me, because I'll just look at you, and then I'll laugh.
Thirdly, don't play games. I'm not into that. I'll walk out upon any signs of that. I'm not in for any type of emotional stress or excess hassle from someone who's just as human as I am. If you keep it 100% real with me I'll keep it real with you...I'll prob like you even more for being so upfront with me anyway.
Also.
Laugh with me when I eat messy, tolerate the fact that I go crazy when I see sweeties or a pix & mix stand. Know that when I tell you to read a book because you'll like it...I know for a damn fact you really would like it. Get used to the fact that I'm talkative...& most of it is rubbish...you have to listen to the rubbish too. I'm aff...know that eventually you'll have to understand whats comin out of my mouth...I'm not saying you have to speak it, but make attempts to understand & accept it the way I will do for whatever culture you're coming from. Know that sometimes I like to cuddle just because. Watch cartoons with me in the morning & jam with me to in video gospel. Let me know when I'm being an idiot, it may sting but I'll appreciate it later. We're not having sex so dont ask. I can go from snap music to adlibbing to alicia keys to air guitaring to Evanescansce to jumping around to Smokie Norful to chillaxin & writing along to some Maxwell...my taste in music runs wide & deep...I'm not saying you have to like it but be accepting. Have deep conversations with me. Don't underestimate me or insult my growing intelligence...you'll regret it later. Respect my beliefs & when I ask you to pass me the remote...give it.
My list runs a mile long, but you have to learn the rest along the way. I can't reveal all the secrets can I ?

Love Uwie

P.s...just for the record...it's not like I won't give back 110%. Trust me when I say I will.

Why did I write this ?
I was reading a book earlier about how demanding we as people are with what we want from others. This made me wonder about just how much I'd be asking for from the next person...so I was thinkin about it n I decided to put it down in the best form I know, writing.
To be honest before I wrote this I didn't think I was demanding at all, but I realise I'm asking for an awful lot of someone who's just as human as I am and struggling to get through life the same way that I am. I guess it's a lot when I lay it out like that...but I do know my worth & I do know what I will & won't stand for. That being said doesn't mean that I don't have a lot of work to do on myself before I start telling someone else what to expect and take from me.
For the past few days I've been on this "why should I give my heart out to someone when they're just gonna trample on it ? bun dat" flex...& my friend pointed out to me the other day that I may well just be the one trampling next...because I am a human & it's what we humans do best.

This all makes me think about just how much acceptance & patience you need to have to be able to be with someone else, how much of their baggage you need to take on without a hint of complaint...& you'd do it because you love them. Babysitting.
...
Yeah that patience & acceptance part...I'm working on that.

xoxo

My dahlink.

2009-08-16T15:36:00.000-07:00

So I walked into "Herga Music" the other day & saw one of the most beautiful things I've ever encountered in my life.

There he stood.

Skin a light olive oil colour.
Strong looking & well built.
Made especially for women.
Fit perfectly into my arms.
I couldn't resist & I had to have him.

Isn't he beautiful ? & mines. For all knowing purposes his name is Jubba so if you see his name in future blogs know who I'm talking about.

All his brothers had been sold & he was the only one left, so I took him there & then. Finders keepers, losers weepers.

He sounds beautiful too.

Lol. We're gonna have a lot of fun together.

xoxo

Pookie got a haircut.

2009-08-14T16:58:00.000-07:00

Sorry about my recent absence...I've been overly busy hence my disappearance on my blog.

However.

One thing I reckon I should let you know isss....I cut my hair :o)

Did I die when they took the first few snips of my hair ? Hell yez. But I got over it as the style progressed...it's gonna take some getting used to but I do quite like it :o) It's a big change from the past year of braids, weave on's & afro's...so I'm just gonna be natural for a lil while.

I move out in 3 weeks.
I start uni in 4 weeks.
I'm job hunting.
I'm involved in a lot of activities at my church.
I'm still sailing through the mabel project and my vocal lessons.
Found a guitar teacher, gonna properly start learning once I get myself a job.
I'm on a quest for self sufficiency.

Do I have time for this ? No. Do I have time for anything nowadays ? No.

xoxo

TGI fridays

2009-08-02T07:40:00.000-07:00

These bobblehead boys we went with are idiots lol, I went to college with them, they're like our nonsicle little brothers [even though they're older than us...but they don't act it].
It was an interesting night, we were all relavitvely real...I think...I admitted some things I swore I'd never ever repeat when they happened in the 1st year in fear of inflating their egos but I figured since I prob aint gonna see them for a while I should come clean about it.
The food...of course, was on par.
Nice atmosphere.
Peng drinks.
Overly expensive though.

Anyhoo, this was my night :o)

Cindy & Carl on the way there, Cindy lookin @ me like "Uwa what you doin bravz" lool.

Walkin back from the gas station to TGI.

Bathroom break.

Waitin for our table :o)

Cindy posinggg.

The twins [ CJ & Mike a.k.a the rats a.k.a trollop number 1 & 2 ] they LOOK like they were havin an intellectual convo...but c'mon now...this is the twins we're talkin about.

Khepri [ Trollop number 3 ]

Me & Mikeeee.

Mike & Kheppie ! Lol they aint serious.

Bus journey back.

Lool they're like cat & mouse sometimes, but they lav each other anyway.

Me & Mike [ lookin drunkkkk ]

Cindy & CJ

Me & CJ

:o)

Like I said, nice night.

xoxo

Identity Crisis.

2009-07-25T18:11:00.000-07:00

Mmmm so, as I mentioned in my last blog I slept over at Remi's last night, n` in that time we had quite a few discussions, but there was one particular topic that really shook some serious foundations for me.
That was our talk about the difference between having a God given gift & talent.
I used to think they were the same but it's really not.
For example, one of my sister's best friends could watch a dance on TV once & then she'd know it off head without having to look at it again, whereas it'd take others a good couple of hours or even days to learn it by having to continuously try and memorize it.
Another example is that one dude in my Art class last year can just look at something and immediately know what was in it & how it was cooked, whereas another would have to refer to a cookbook and probably couldn't just guess the ingredients just like that.

Do you see what I'm gettin` at ?

The reason that shook some foundations for me is because all of the things I can do and I'm good at are mostly just talent. Like I'm good at Art but I'm an Art student, student being the key word because I had to go to school for it to get better & on the other hand I know some who never really took Art seriously or paid attention to it at school a day in their life yet they're absolutely amazing at it just effortlessly. Or those who never took vocal training a day in their lives or even have to warm up or anything but have such amazing voices...you know...those who can SANG. But I took up vocal training when I was 16 & then stopped after a year & now at 19 I'm doing it again, meaning I had to work for it to make it better and find my own sound, I have to actually sit down & learn to play the guitar and the piano...hell that's not even the point, there are people who could go through the same vocal training by the same teacher and go through the same stuff yet one will still sound blatantly better & more powerful than the other.

I hope all that is makin sense.

But all my commenting on it just means that Art & Music are just talents...I wanna know what I'm truly gifted at.

In my saying that, Mary dropped that a persons Gift can be anything & that mine may be the ability to listen and give good advice, be compassionate & bla bla bla de bla.
Now I thought about that & I realized I had a lot of mixed emotions about it. On one hand I felt good because of the fact that I like to help, it's not something everyone can do and almost everybody in my life see's me as some kinda agony aunt that they can talk to & I like that. However on the other hand half of the people I play agony aunt for don't deserve it. It ends up being a thing where they take & take but don't give back and ONLY ever talk to you when they need help and advise or they wanna gush about their love stories or just talk about themselves, as if I'm not human. It becomes the case where you're saving everybody else & no one really puts you or your feelings into consideration.
Sure thing yeah, as human beings everybody in their own way is self absorbed but it depends on what level you take it to. Like I know I see girls like Mary, Remi & Hope as older sisters so if I'm in desperate need of big girl advice or I'm just strugglin with my feelings I tell them so I can get their advice & i end up talking & talking & talking because they're listening to me talk about me & they don't mind...I have some big amount of respect & love for them because they're doing for me what I do for others & it helps...it helps to be able to get that reassurance/ wake up call and advice from somewhere or just simply be able to let it all out.

... which is pretty much the same thing that got me into hot water the last time.

But I digress. I get that everybody's human & everybody needs a shoulder to lean on, but the bottom line is half of the people I go out of my way for don't deserve it full stop.
But I can't help it, I can't know I could help someone or have the advice to give them and then in the end keep quiet, that's never been my nature & it's something I'm proud of uno ? Being able to help where I can, that's why I volunteered with the good samaritans in the first place.
But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes...

xoxo

I'm TIRED.

2009-07-25T17:24:00.000-07:00

Eesh man.

I've had such a busy last couple of days.
On Wednesday I was pretty much runnin around like a headless turkey all over Harrow lookin for...God knows what, I can't remember, all I remember is that we ate Sams.
On thursday evening me & Cynthia graced Oceana with our presence, unfortunately no pics due to my old phone being sooo ghey & my camera not being charged so no pictures :o( Boo hoo.
However I had an amazing night. Great music, nice atmosphere with vibrant people. I ran into a couple of old faces from our high school too so I got soo comfortable there & I got talkin to some pretty friendly people...really I was just there though to let my stress out, dance n enjoy myself..& that's what I did :o)
We got home at 2pm & I slept off at like 3 or so feelin like I was gonna DIE, even though I didn't get drunk out the alchohol still was enough to mess me up.

12pm the next day I was back in Bella's office, we had a pretty intense talk & she opened my eyes AGAIN to the fact that I have a tendancy to put other's feelings before my own and then it in turn lands me into my own emotional distress...so I had to re-evaluate myself & re-prioritize from when I left her office.

I then bought about...seven books *cheeses like I've never cheesed before*
I bought :
- The House of Knight book series [ So that's about five or so books ]
- The Host
- The secret life of Bees

See ? Seven :o) I've still got like 4 other unread books to go *looks over at my stack* but it doesn't matter, it'll keep me busy.
So then I bought my blackberry charger & rushed home so I could go down to The Mabel project, a good 2 hours of singin *does love heart sign* it was good times.

After that rushed home again so I could get to Remi's sleepover...there was about 16 of us there at hers...no pics either due to my forgetting my camera AGAIN...& we were all too busy talking anyways. It was good cause we all got to properly know each other & had some deep discussions, we didn't get to bed till about 6am & Mary was so kind as to distribute swine flu packs so we're better prepared on how to prevent it & more informed on how to deal with it if it comes...also she gave us some alchohol hand sanitizer thingy [ which I mistook for glue ] & plasters, soap, tissues & all this stuff. We slept late & I came home today at around 5pm when I then again just crawled into bed until like 9pm & slept off.

... So all in all I'm pretty exhausted x_x

xoxo

Emotional Evenings.

2009-07-19T18:54:00.000-07:00

I wanted to find a good movie to watch but nothing worth watching was on.
I couldn't find my reading book.
I'm not feeling well so I didn't go out ice skating like I was supposed to.
I have nothing constructive to do, so again here I sit, with my thoughts.

It's 2:55am & I'm supposed to wake up 8:00am to go running with Cindy tomorrow morning, I'm tired but I'm wide awake. I want to write something...anything...but I know if I write anything with any significance I won't go to sleep n' I can't afford to stay awake all night cause I have a vocal lesson tomorrow.
I don't even really know what my problem is, I'm just here...& I've got nothing to do and that's the problem cause whenever I have nothing I do I start to think, that leads to overthinking n` that's always a big problem.
I've spent the better part of this evening questioning life, my future, where I'm headed and what the essense of my past was. It's so funny how you can have it all figured out one moment n` then the next minute absolutely nothing makes sense... somewhere deep down I'm hurting, but I don't want to address it cause then I'll start to dwell on it, so for the moment I really don't know what my problem is.

*Sigh*

I'm gonna go to bed anyway, I've got a busy day tomorrow.
By the way to all readers I'd advise you to never do what I'm doing, when you're hurting address it, identify your feelings so you can get over them...if you can help it make sure you do it before you go to bed, so you don't wake up feeling like complete crap the next morning. Do yourself a favour and be honest with yourself cause if you front to your OWN self about how you're feeling who's winning ? Not you.

xoxo

2009-07-18T17:24:00.000-07:00

Here I am, as I am
Nostalgia grips me like life
Clinging to me like a jacket too small
Leaning onto me, just the way I've always been
Pieces of the broken glass you left behind
Fragile as I was, naive as I've been
Touched without being touched
Love in the midst of no love at all
Leave me in the pool of my tears
Watch me run, slender and slim
Scratching too hard in the paper as I write
Sniffing too loudly as my tears spill
Remembering the face that was never there
The voice that I never heard
Oh how you fixed & destroyed
Left the words of your own story all over
I really owe you nothing at all
yet I still wonder...if you're okay...

xoxo

This & that.

2009-07-17T16:27:00.000-07:00

The wedding was absolutely beautiful. I had a lot of fun getting to know some of my new extended family, very good looking & very friendly people. They're from Cameroon but I learned that they share a lot of their culture with the Calabar culture in Nigeria so they share a lot of the same foods & stuff. Even though I was sick during the wedding by God's grace I was dancing by the end of it lol, which is a big deal for me cause usually during that time of the month I'm damn near paralyzed. The food was absolutely amazing, the wedding reception hall was beautiful, the bride & groom wedding dance was so cute [ awww my uncle is so shy bless him ] & it was just overall good times. I got to meet Tabi & Misan, my new neice and nephew. They're so cute, Misan's one years old & the smartest one year old I've ever come across, overly cute too. Tabi's 5, a bigtime trouble maker but I adopted him anyway, I'll steal pics of them from my uncle's camera & eventually put it up on here.

After the wedding we went straight to New York. I went on my first ever tour bus, this was it :

I liked the look of it, it was quite peng.

That's me & my cuz on the tourbus, she was tired [ she's ALWAYS tired now that shes preggers ] & she lost her earings so she was jus tryna relax there behind me. The tour bus was a lot of fun, it just rounded up our day & it was a nice journey too.

Next day I met my cousin's Bawo & Alexis.

Two of the sickest people on the planet. Bawo's 20 & Alexis is 13. They're crazy as hell, intelligent & just overly fun to be around, Alexis step dances, graduates top of her class in EVERY class & that is her REAL HAIR bravz.
Bawo plays all the sports in the book, works in a sneaker store & is a genuine full blown ladies man. Charming all around & a very friendly and sociable dude, he has some extremely gorgeous female friends who are all hung up on his personality cause it's so sick...he's the type that'll open doors for you, pay for your shit, get you discounts in lady footlocker & buy you soul food then snap you out of it when you're fallin asleep. He has your back for days too. It pays to be charming people...it really does.
The two of them gave us the REAL New york experience, they took us on the trains & buses where there were more crackheads than I can count on my fingers then they took us down to Harlem. Harlem is like east London in terms of the way it looks but the people are completely different. The people are S.I.C.K. I'm sure some will disagree with me but they're very down to earth down there if you know the right people, Bawo knew every Tom, Dick & Harry on the roadsides so we were already hooked into knowing cool peoples anyways. As I said there were some gorgeous females who were just screwed up off his charm, his male friends lol...long stories.
But yeah it was good times down there man, I think that day we spent in Harlem was probably the best day. We watched the movie "Blood, the last vampire" in the evening.
It was.
In one word.
CRAP.
NEVER in my life have I seen such poor acting, grammar, graphics & storyline. It was complete & utter RUBBISH, me & Bawo were just laughing the whole way through, the gore wasn't even the type of gore that'd make you wanna spit out your food or nothin, the blood looked like juice bravz.
But I digress.
We went to woodberry commons on the last day, that was rubbish. Designer clothes aint all that uno, people make such a big deal out of it but it's just overpriced nonsense with someone's name on it. We went to all the designer stores in that place and the only place I managed to buy stuff in was 2b bebe, everywhere else was just the most amount of bull. I like clothing lines like "House of Dereon" & "Applebottoms" & "Baby phat" n what not, but this year the clothes...were just not doin it that much at ALL. I dunno wtf is goin on with fashion them sides...it's like they got some kinda wack hippie theme goin on right now, I'm seein clothes that look like tye dye were just dashed on them wrecklessly that are costin $70-$100 dollars, bun that.

The flight back was a horror movie, turbulance all up n thru and I couldn't even sleep properly, all my body HURT after n it was just some new form of suffering o_O but at least I'm home now though.
The trip overall had some good & bad times, I learned a few things and got a lil restless just sittin there because I wasn't doing anything to touch on my goals or my dreams, but now that I'm home I can. I definately wanna go back in December but I danno if I'll have enough to hit up 3 places, so I'll have to plan that out as time goes on.

So in a nutshell...that was it.

xoxo

Pookie's back.

2009-07-15T18:32:00.000-07:00

I'm back now. But i'm goin to bed due to extreme exhaustion...I'm feelin really Nostalgic out of nowhere this evenin though, might be the music I'm listenin to but I dunno. I should know better than to listen to music just before I sleep & soak up the lyrics.

Hmm..
I'll drop my stories tomorrow anyhow.

xoxo

New Jersey today, New York tomorrow.

2009-07-10T20:21:00.000-07:00

I wanna go on record by saying I don't like New Jersey too much. Everything's so damn far apart, all the taxi driver's I've come across have all been trippin on C-R-A-C-K, the weather aint as fabulous as Houston or Miami [ my future home *does love heart sign* ], the people aren't as friendly but most of all...it's just damn DRY out here.

This trip so far has been hectic/crazy & slightly annoying. I have had some good times, got to know some of my new extended family & they're nice people I won't lie... but some of them deserve swift backhands & I've just been under unnecessary stress, I feel like I'm loosin my hair out 'ere fambam. I finally got to eat the burger king I been cravin for but it's nowhere near as peng as I remember it. My dyspepsia has been actin up so I aint slept properly in the last 2 nights, my sister & my older cousin have been workin my nerves, I feel like I'm doing unnnecessary work out here when I came out here to relax, things aint even going according to plan & the fact that I wish I would've stayed in London to work on some of my goals is...a bad thing @_@
This trip is forcing me how to keep my temper & just holding my tongue quite nicely...I'm finding it hard as its looking like I'm getting irritated at least once on a DAILY basis out here be it my sister, my cousin, some random fool taxi driver, someone at my uncle's house or just the fact that things are so unorganised but I just find myself gettin vex at least once; especially since I'm touchy at this time but I'm holdin it down.
However it aint been all bad.
A lot of gossip, a LOT. I have some amazing new family.I went shopping yesterday & bought some of the PENGEST stuff, as in I found everything I've ever wanted in life in ONE store...& that was just one shop bravz, when I touched down in the others I was like "O_O Mine."
& of course... the men are lookin...in one word...scrumdillyumptious <3

Tomorrow is the wedding so the crazyness is gonna be over then after that we're going to NY, no one should pester my life there ahbeg, I'm lookin to finish my shopping, go to the theatre at least once & then be goin back to London so I can continue steppin towards my dreams...rather than feelin like stabbing someone once a day out here.

xoxo

Grounded.

2009-07-10T20:11:00.000-07:00

Now, I've been in New Jersey for the past couple of days so I've been dead to the internet world for a bit, but when I did come on long enough to check my facebook I see this lady "Shanel Cooper" all up n' through. Her videos have managed to sweep through almost everyone's facebook and today I was lucky enough to be able to watch a couple of them.
The first thing I'll say is that she's absolutely stunning, her confidence and self assuredness makes her even more beautiful but she's fine full stop. Second thing is is that she's got some of the most real talk I've heard a woman come out with in a long time... her words are absolutely amazing, she's inspiring & managed to relight some of the reasons why I'm working towards the goals I am and the importance of knowing your worth and yourself. She explained that you need to be in check with yourself before you can start makin any kind of checklist about what you want in a man, how you need to fall in love with yourself & how important it is to set goals for yourself and watch them manifest by putting in the hard work. She also seriously stressed the importance of putting in the legwork when you want to change yourself and your destiny.. I weren't slippin but I was getting slightly weary, knowing I had no one to blame but myself but this video reminded me that there is no time for that; checking yourself & prioritising should always be high on your to do list.
She's got it goin on.

xoxo

Forgive me.

2009-07-06T16:44:00.000-07:00

I forgive you for making me question who I am

I forgive you for making me fall with no intention to catch me

I forgive you for listening to me, but really not listening

I forgive you for seeing me, but not really seeing

I forgive you for letting me voice what was on my heart

I forgive you for also taking my heart apart

I forgive you for decieving me, making me love the promise that wouldn't come

I forgive you because you knew I cried for and over you...yet you continued

I forgive you for destroying my peace of mind

I forgive you for hurting me in a way nobody in my life ever has

I forgive you because you taught me the importance of touching on my dreams

I forgive you because you played the role you were put in my life to play

I forgive you because me realise what's out there for me

I forgive you because I know I'll find better than you one day

I forgive you because all the times you told me I deserved better, you meant it

I forgive you because without a lil pain you can never know love

I forgive you because as my first love, you taught me lessons only a first love could

I forgive you because I know deep down what nobody else knows

For the good and especially the bad
I forgive you...I really, really do.

xoxo

Me & my bowl of cherries.

2009-07-06T16:09:00.000-07:00

Tempting aren't they ?

So I'm here wide away & sitting side by side with my thoughts.
Today during my vocal lesson, I was asked to delve deep into feelings that I try my hardest every day to dismiss in order to reach a certain emotion and portray it throughout the song...it was easier than I thought, n the things I've been holding in managed to all flood out at once. I almost cried at a certain point in the middle of the song...but I didn't.
My point in saying all that is...despite my healing going so well...there's still obvious areas that need fixing. My sense of feeling lost, my feeling like there's a blank space in the past 2 years of my life that I had previously thought were filled with so much promise...of course there are lessons I couldn't have learned any other way in that time...but the fact that I had to learn them in such a painful way is something I guess I could've gone without, I'm just greatful I came out on the other side of it where others have crashed through the middle.
I got lessons in patience, loyalty, kindness, the importance of letting nothing get in the way of your dreams, how important it is to not let another human being become your everything, how easy it is to fall in love & how difficult it is to fall out of it. The significance of actions for actions without words remain nothing but letters, the importance of staying true to yourself, just how much the advice of others should be heeded when you know in your gut instinct its right, how important it is to TRUST your gut instincts, what trust really means,just how easily it is to loose yourself & always putting God first.
I am ever grateful for learning all of this, but with all this came the sense of feeling lost, empty promise, heart ache & break, shame, tears, fear, silence & lies. But everything contributed to who I am and the woman I'm trying to be today.

Life isn't always gonna be a bowl of cherries, in every bowl of cherries you're bound to have a few rotten & sour ones...sometimes you bite into the sour ones not really knowing they're sour because they look ripe on the inside, this is the same with mistakes. Of course sometimes you have the common sense to KNOW and prevent when something bad is gonna happen to you/ your gonna get hurt, but other times it's simply entirely out of your control...you can, like I did, beat yourself up on the inside till the day comes but that won't change the fact that the mistake happened. Hurt is never easy to deal with, heartache & unfortunate circumstances are never fair...but such is life. You can never truely learn a lesson by learning from someone else's mistakes, you have to feel the burn yourself to have fear enough to never get into it again...the wound would have to cut deep enough to leave a scar.
Life truely is what you make it n it took me the longest time & so much soul searching to realise this...I'm still searching, still hoping, still believing & moving my feet taking everything one step at a time. As a human being I do stumble & fall, make stupid decision & don't invest in my time wisely...but I'm growing.
On the end of all this pain lies so much promise for me, so many blessings, it's things like this that keep me going & with each day it gets a lil easier to bear & easier to ignore cause I'm keepin my eyes on the prizes.
I'm just babbling I guess, but it's late & like I said my thoughts are nudging me.

xoxo

Sniffs

2009-07-05T17:39:00.000-07:00

I watched "My Sister's Keeper" tonight.
All I can say is...the movie made me leak from my eye's SEVERAL times...some parts were so unbelievably beautifully sad...but it's another movie I recommend to people to watch. It really makes you value life as well as realize just what it's like to be completely helpless to the situations around you... the girl who had cancer was so so beautiful, I just wanted to hug her...n she was an amazing actress.
*sighs*
Apparently though, like all movies that come from books they left out some vital bits, RUINED some vital bits & completely twisted up the ending...I'm gonna go buy the book anyway to see, apparently the book just makes you forget about life bravz as in it's SO sad, so I'm gonna get it as well as a couple other Jodi Piccult books.
Another book I'm lookin to buy is "The time travellor's wife"...the trailer for the movie looks breath taking...so I know the book is definately gonna be better so...I'm on it :o)
Also, I'm gonna see "Adam" aswell, the trailer man eesh <3

There's a lot I've got planned for this summer, learning to play the guitar is one of them.
So I have a new guitar that I fell in love with the other day, his name is Jub jub, I'm gonna post pics of my baby soon :o). So you know how I love with acoustics right ? This girl "Priscilla Renea" with her amazingness in her music just helped me come to a decision about the question that has been roaming in my mind for the past couple of months..."Should I learn to play the guitar ?"...the answer was of course yez.
I'm also as you know learning to play the piano & read music...I'll be a one woman band before you know it :o). I haven't done any writing lately though, which worries me...I planned as soon as I got out of college to start fillin up all my lil notebooks but they've remained untouched because I've been runnin around so much, looks like I'm gonna have to start making more time for myself to do so.
I've also joined a vocal workshop *Claps for myself* run by "the mable project".I'm excited about this because judging by the first session I went to it looks really promising, I'm also as well as learning stuff Hope has already taught me I'm picking up on new things...like I can't drink cold water anymore or eat any harsh foods before I sing...also no greasy food allowed :o( but I don't think I can hack that...I'm goin to New York on wednesday man & BURGER KING is on the agenda...oouh that halapino(sp) sauce...*drools*...but yeah..the workshop is lookin quite live-o's !
I plan on gettin a job & learnin how to drive too...so my summer is lookin pretty full thankfully...I have God to thank for all of this of course, all appreciation belongs to him.
A lot of things in my life are changing...in good ways and bad...some are confusing, some were the inevitable, some I'm really glad are happening & some I'd rather they weren't happening...but all things work together right ? From the place I was at mentally before, I know for a damn fact I'm movin up...& it's always worth gettin that extra kick, to be able to touch on your dreams.

xoxo

My piece of cake on "A piece of cake".

2009-07-05T16:56:00.000-07:00

Best.Book.Pon.De.Roadsides.
Absolutely more than brilliant. I finished reading this book with a new viewpoint on life, God, relationships & self and spiritual growth.
This book educated me on such high levels boi, like she takes you through what it's like to be a real gangsta in california, she was part of the Crips so she talked about all the rules, the language, what it's like to properly be part of a hardcore gang, not all these fake jedi jedi bois in the UK who think they're hard because they jacked some ANY guy's blackberry phone.
But I digress.
I was also educated on what it's like to be a true hardcore trash can junkie i.e real hardcore drug addict. The way she described everything made ME feel like a crackhead & I've never done or tasted any drug in my life, she just did SUCH a good job. I even started using American phrases during my time while readin it, it was just so catchy, she's an amazing writer *does love heart sign with my hands*.
& the book is actually quite hilarious uno, certain times readin it on the bus or in the salon or wherever you'd just see me crack a smile or burst out laughin unnecessarily, hell if they were readin what I was readin they'd laugh too !
But what overall got me is her rise from the lowest of the low to being the woman she is now, we're in completely different situations and I could have never gone through what she did and come out the way she did on the other side...but her rise inspires me to want to be all I can be, makes me feel like I can do anything...she's just an inspiration bravz, trust.

Definately reccommend to all those who think life's lessons come easy, they don't.
It's worth more than what it costs...those of you who like reading & even those of you who don't...should definately take time out to read this book.
*Another love heart sign*

xoxo

Okay I know I'm a lil late with this but...

2009-06-29T17:42:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to talk a lil about the death of my husband/babydaddy...Michael Jackson...

*Sniffs loudly*

Realtalk. Michael Jackson was an absolutely legend & there will never EVER be another like him. I grew up listening to him, some of my earliest memories are of me & my older cousin Alice dancing to his records on the record player [ dun know about record players, 80's/90's ! ]. He had some absolutely amazing music, he was unique & entertained like NO other...he truely was a living legend & his music was a big part of me growin up...infact I remember in Primary school tellin someone that I fancied him bravz, I weren't messin' around at ALL.
I'm not really sure about this lil article that's goin around that the jam fool that said Michael Jackson touched him has come clean...whether or not it's legit I hope all those who pointed fingers & chatted shit are all ashamed of themselves...he may have been a lil deluded & what not but to call him a paedophile is hop skippin & jumpin a bit too far over the line.
I know some people who have cried buckets over his death but at the same time a lot of people have no respect about him dying which I think is sick, dispite their opinions of him as a man, as an artist or whatever there should be at least respect enough for the man & those who actually DO like him to keep their fag-like comments to themselves [ Fag-like meaning F.A.G which means Foolish,Aggravating & Gassed. ].
His death has been something that has touched the entire nation & they've been flooding music channels & radio stations with his music, I have a feeling the media are gonna milk this thing dry but as for me myself & I...I just think he'll live on through his music & that's how it should stay.
I feel it so hard for his family & I pray God just be with them through these trying times.

Besos xoxo

Tip of the iceburg.

2009-06-28T18:02:00.000-07:00

Hola all, just a quick one before I go to bed.

Just wanted to state how I'm proud of myself cause I've upgraded :o) I woke up not feelin it this morning but that quickly changed, as in I'm in such awe of God right now, I can't even begin to list the things he's done for me in the last 2-3 weeks alone right now cuz I'm about to go to bed...but remembering this alone managed to take me out of my bad mood n into a mood that was more...managable. Greatfulness really is it's own blessing in disguise.
So... I've got a really busy week this week, have no idea where I'm gonna start with the amount of things I have to do but I'm lookin forward to it all, hopefully some good things are gonna come out of all of it before I reach my lil "hurdles". I'm still on the lookout for some poetry/open mic nights that I can hit to get inspiration & meet new faces...but really just to enjoy myself and be in that kinda nice atmosphere.
My vocal lessons are comin along great, but I'm nowhere near as confident as I need to be to get out there. Hope - vocal teacher, is pushing me & makes the lessons really difficult, but they're all worth it...hopefully soon I'll be able to get out there anyway.
I just got off the phone to my girl Cindy [ I'm sure you all know her, but just incase you don't this is her ]

You can't see her v.well...but this image was at the ready already...

But yeah, this convo made me actually realise that I am kinda a handful lol...a big handful...I think it's cause we're like family she see's that side of me, she's more like a sister than anything so shes seen me at my worst, my best & my wierdest, which is rare, but I'm really thankful for it.

I'm loud, I'm childish but in a way that's like...childlike charm/baby personality NOT immaturity like some jam fools in the past have called it, I eat way too much junk food which stops others around me from eating healthy cause I force them to eat it with me, my mood swings are unimaginable, I cry at moments I'm not supposed to, I do things I know which aren't good for me i.e drink fizzy drinks when I know it's gonna give me a tummy ache, I'm never fully satisfied but I'm also satisfied all the time, I don't eat barely anything but I eat EVERYTHING, I want everything & nothing out of life, I dream big but think small, I can never properly make my mind up when it comes to myself, when giving advice I talk like I know everything in the whole wide world but when it comes to me I draw up blank, I'm someone that's a pleasure & a curse to know...I dig my heels in deep you see :o), I don't "hook up" or "link" just for the sake of it...nothing will ever happen unless I know something is headed somewhere & I'm always gonna love myself & God first before another, I like cartoons, I hate tea or coffee but love mocha's & latte's [ cold only please gracias ] I wont eat cheese unless it's melted, I can buss jokes by my DAMN self, I'm not perfect, God chose to make me a human being & with that comes flaws & imperfections...but overall I'm me..take it or leave it.

Moi in a nutshell. Just felt like sharing, since there was no proper introduction :o)

@_@

Besos xoxo

I miss the promise of yesterday.

2009-06-27T15:12:00.000-07:00

It's hot.

Really really hot.

& some spider just tried to crawl on my toes...not on.

This isn't the first blog I've had...I've had what ? 4 in the past ? All chattin the same amount of rubbish so this one will be different...I hope.

I just wrote what was probably the longest email in my life...it got me to thinking about a lot, remembering a lot of things I really should've forgotten, n things it doesn't nor will it ever help me to remember..but because I'm an idiot I remember anyway.
My emotional balance is all over the place at this point in time...I care about things I really shouldn't and the things I should care about I've put in the corner like stale cookies...but I'll tip back the emotional scale, I'm just giving myself a couple days cause in my opinion you need to allow yourself to feel ALL your hurts & pains before you can fully heal.
But.
Dispite all this I stay grateful, which is something I'm ever happy God has given me the grace to FINALLY be able to do.
I look back upon myself n my life & I think..."I can walk, I can talk, I can see, I can hear, I live in a house, I have great family, I have amazing friends ALSO in the form of family & much more to soon come, I have shoes on my feet and clothes on my back, I have a bed to sleep on and I can breathe...I aint got problems" & it's books like "A piece of cake" by Cupcake Brown which make me realise just how true this statement really is.
Sure, everyone has their cross to carry [believe me, I know that] & everyone has their burdens but being able to take your eyes off your problems & exercise gratefulness...makes you really realize that you're more blessed than you think.
Despite this being said, I have my hurts, I have my doubts about life & I often question what's ahead for me considering what's already happened...I have my days because I'm a human being, but I'm trying to look at the bigger picture.

Like I've often said...I love tomorrow.

xoxo

_Keez Complicity

I haven't posted on here in ages...

November update

Is it ever really worth the risk ?

Neglect.

Ramblings & RANT. [reblogged from my tumblr account]

Black Birdie.

Ramblings.

Cheeyz.

Am I shallow/Asked out/Cindy says/I want your input.

Just one day [unfinished]

One of my favourite songs at the moment.

20 Random Facts About Me. [ +2 ]

Curl Obsession ?

My blog post set aside for my maker.

Goals.

A random word of advice.

I tumble over.

Do you REALLY care what skin tone they are ?

So..

Change in URL

Trending topic...

I just wanna say to you guys...

The big chop.

Have you forgotten that NOBODY is perfect ?

MORE big changes.

I love twitter/I Hate's.

I caved...

Oh JAS SHARRAP you're not THAT nice.

Happy new year my loves'.

A bit of randomity is always good.

Merry Christmas everyone <3

I'm good.

More Changes.

Great day, thoughtful evening.

Butterflies on the cross.

Hmm...cuuuuuuuuuurious...

Write me a letter, not an email.

Forgiveness ? Necessary ?

Goodnight love.

My christmas wishlist

Progress.

Early morning blues

"Friends"

Gosh man...

Open Book.

Moved out.

Is love really THAT blind ?

*Yawns* Just a quick update.

A lot of love for...

Always be.

Family times = Good times.

Tinsel town pt 1

Thank you..

I'm having a nerd moment.

Anonymous.doc

My dahlink.

Pookie got a haircut.

TGI fridays

Identity Crisis.

I'm TIRED.

Emotional Evenings.

This & that.

Pookie's back.

New Jersey today, New York tomorrow.

Grounded.

Forgive me.

Me & my bowl of cherries.

*Sniffs*

My piece of cake on "A piece of cake".

Okay I know I'm a lil late with this but...

Tip of the iceburg.

I miss the promise of yesterday.

Yawns Just a quick update.

Sniffs